Tuesday, November 29, 2005
 It was supposed to show depression at it's darkest point, where it becomes so overpowering that you're no longer a person in depression, but a mere faceless shell of grief. I guess you could call it being depressed about being depressed. and how true, feelings can get, when under depression, all is nothing but a mere shell. a walking, living yet empty and void of further emotions piece of shell... life has changed much for me... i tried to put my whole soul into work work and more work... i had wanted to be void of any other useless distractions, i had wanted to turn over a new leaf, but i failed.... i failed terribly, to such an extend of no turning back. i tried to evoke new feelings, but it seemed that everything is not up to my personal standard. are the standards that i had set for myself way too high? or is it that, im trying to hard? or is it that i dun have anymore faith in it already? what exactly is going on in my feeble mind? its so pathetic... ppl ask if im happy, yes i look and appeared happy for i have what some of them don't have... but m i really happy? deep down, i myself also dunno. what for i sacrificed so much and get nothing in return? well not really practically nothing in return, i do get some returns, but those returns are not really what i yearned for... what i really wanted, i could never ever get it. i know this is a case of never ever, so i shall type it big and fat on down so that hopefully it will cross my mind and tell me to forget bout it. perhaps life would get better after that? but deep in my heart and soul, i know that i can never let go... the memories are simply too much for me to bear... all those times spent together, each and every incident have been clearly etched in my memory, times we ate together, went to beach together, went sentosa together, walked those dark scary paths together, sat at the esplanade together, had our special moments together and played and decorated a heart-shaped sparkles on the palawan beach together... all these memories are too much... too much for me to bear, i tried to act tough, to act strong, but i cant. everytime i out wif him, my thoughts strayed to her.... in the end, i had to give it up. i know myself only too well, my heart is always towards her, the feelings can flow only towards her. for i know, thru my soul, she is the only one i really treated and cared for like my gf. she's the only one i was and still is, serious about. but i know that she is wif her ex well, is her gf now... i only realised after i lost her how much i love her. and moreover, she said she's close wif a guy now, haiz... y cant i juz let everything go? why? to me, she's some1 i will love my whole life, this i know, and some1 i will never forget bout, she is the one who made me learn the meaning of love. actually i should have felt it long ago, since the 1st time we kissed, cos a tingling sensation ran powerfully thru my whole body and soul, i should have never let her go. no1 had ever given me that kinda feeling before...now, what i can pray for is for a miracle...but do miracles really exists? There can be miracle When you believe Though hope is frail It's hard to kill Who knows what miracles You can achieve When you believe Somehow you will, You will when you believe i really sometimes wonder, will i really, really be happy if i have tonnes and tonnes of money? my brain tells me yes, cos by then i will be able to do what i want to, yet my sub-conscious mind says not... cos in the process of achieving that goal, i will have to sacrifice other things... from this, i learnt something about life. in life, we will always have to sacrifice something in order to achieve another thing. there were many a times when i felt as though im engulfed by the feeling of extreme loneliness... i felt as though no one remembered, no one cared, no one could understand me. i know everyone will have their own personal problems/stuffs that we would rather buried it deep within our hearts and bring it to our graves with us... that's why sometimes, i prefer that ppl dun ask me bout problems which i really dun wish to divulge... there's a feeling encrusted deep within my heart and soul... i duno if anyone can unlock and evoke that feeling in me again... but that kinda feeling is something i cant ever forget... and maybe due to this reason, im always trying too hard to evoke that kinda feeling out to such an extend that nothing ever works out fine... haiz.... but perhaps also, different ppl will evoke diff feelings in me... so that i should not be so single sighted and focus only on that stretch of feelings and not notice the other kinds? When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one that had been opened for us. but nevertheless, i hope that one day, that kinda feeling will be in me again. Maybe it's such that im so afraid of setbacks and hurt that i don't wish to try again? or is it memories of the past haunting me? or is it that i dun wish to hurt anyone anymore... or perhaps, just perhaps, its my retribution for having hurt so many before? We should treat every setback as a lesson, live your life from a different point of view by learning to let go of the things not belonging to you and cherishing what you have. actually, i should be contented with what i have now, i have a stable and caring and loving family, have a stable job with although a not ideal income but its quite ok already i guess, side income from tuitions, someone who's always there for me and so on... well the only bad things in life is that i have not many friends, no matter how close we once were, we tends to drift apart in time to come... i find this very sad in my life. the saying is so "right", friends may come and friends may go... only true friends will leave footprints in your life... yes they only left footprints, but what can one do with footprints? a last line before i wrap up this entry... Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realisation of how much you already have.
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
8:29 PM
Wo shou gou le deng dai ni suo wei de an pai Shuo de wei lai dao di duo jiu cai lai Zong shi yao lai bu ji cai zhi dao wo ke ai Wo xiang yi lai er ni que dou bu zai Ying gai kai xin de di dai Ni gei de quan shi kong bai Yi ge ren jia ri fa dai Zhao bu dao ren pei wo kan hai Wo zai xing fu de men wai Que yi zhi dou jin bu lai Ni lei ji gei de shang hai Wo shi zhen de hen nan shi huai * Zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai Er ni zong shi tai wan ming bai Zui hou cai ba hua shuo kai Ku zhe qiu wo liu xia lai Zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai Wo men mian qian tai duo zu ai Ni de shou que fang bu kai Ning yuan mei chu xi qiu wo bie li kai Ni zong shi yao wo guai man man ji hua jiang lai Wo de yan lei que yi zhi diao xia lai Guo qu zen me jiao dai ni gai gei de xin lai Bei ni qin shou huan huan tui ru xuan ya Cong wo lian shang de cang bai Kan dao ji yi man xia lai Guo qu tian mi zai dao dai Zhi shi gan jue yi jing bu zai Er wo dui ni de qi dai Bei ni yi ci ci shuai huai Yi jing sui cheng tai duo kuai Yao zen me ping cou gen chong lai [Repeat * , *] Translation : I’ve had enough waiting for your so-called arrangement The future that you spoke of, just how long will it take Always have to wait till it’s too late to realize that I’m lovable I want to depend on you, but you’re not there The places that are supposed to be happy All that you gave was nothing Staring off into space by myself on holidays Can’t find someone to accompany me to watch the sea I’m standing outside the door of happiness But haven’t been able to enter inside The pain that you have cumulatively inflicted It’s really hard for me to be released from it * I finally realized that love cannot return And you are always understanding too late Only in the end do you speak your mind Crying and begging me to stay I finally realized that love cannot return There are too many obstacles in front of us But your hand cannot let go You’d rather be shameless, begging me not to leave You always want me to be obedient, slowly planning the future But my tears were constantly streaming down In the past how have you displayed the trust that you were supposed to give I’ve been slowly pushed off a cliff directly by you From the paleness of my face Can see the memories slowing down The sweetness of the past is rewinding But the feelings are already not present And the hopes that I have placed in you Have been shattered by you time and again It’s already broken into too many pieces How can they be put back together and resumed again [Repeat * , *]
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
8:25 PM
Saturday, November 05, 2005
back from the cruise for a few days le...im always so bz and too tired to create entries for this solitary blog...hmm what i actually mean is that this blog is solitary as in it only hears from me, reflections from me alone....its getting so quiet nowadays, how i miss those times when the blog is vibrant with life, times whereby entries r always flooding in.... well the cruise was a big flipflop...i rushed to harbourfront carrying my workfiles haha...den reached there at 6pm sharp...phew half an hour late after the checkin time haha..but its ok la.... den checked into the balcony room at the 9th floor of the cruise...room number is 9160 any1 wanna try it for 4D? haha...well the room looks none too fabulous...we had this queen bed and also a double sofa bed...den the other end of the room near the sofa bed was the balcony opening our view to the endless and delicious looking ocean for days to come! ahhh the balcony... a place whereby i can stand there whole day long and gaze at the vast, endless and serene ocean... like it best when its sunrise and sunset...ahhh how the sun hang itself over the ocean before rising and setting, thereby making the entire vast surface seemed almost bathed in orangy glow...how perfect the setting would be if there were 2 dolphins jumping and swimming in the view too... and also how perfect everything would be, if the person in my mind had been with me... eh enough of these...lets move on.... hmm there's also a toilet there...it comprises of 1 partition of shower room and the other half the toilet room and also the sink area... quite small but enough for me to enjoy my shower there can le ba haha.... ok, lets get the ball rolling; 1st night after checking in and after i had inspected the room (as i always did when i go to new places) we headed to the mediterrenean room to get our international buffet dinner.... hmmm let me recall what i had ate...hmmm... yes, i ate shark fin soup much to my obligation for i had always been anti shark fin...$#^&I$%^#$ argh... next i ate some salad, then i ate braised duck with sea cucumber, spicy prawns, sushi, brocolli with albalone i tink duno what is that haha... den ate chicken wings, blah blah a lot more lah...den finished up the sumptous dinner with a dash of assorted teatime cakes and mango pudding set in a beautiful glass...so enticing...hehe...n also i drank Singapore Sling for the 1st time in my life...ahhh so nice to drink but like very diluted ... arbish cheat my $7.50 ah! den we went to watch a show at the lido...since we were staying in the balcony room, we got the priviledge of sitting in the balcony seats above the others to get this spectacular view of the entire stage! wohooo! the 1st show was a bout the notorious MARRISA BURGRESS : music is my life! ahhh she is sooo pretty wor.... though can see some age lines appearing on her pretty face le..keke nevertheless she is still pretty...she used to be the lead actress in MOULLIN ROUGE! wohooo....she's born in australia but live her life mostly in france....she knows multiple languages... and she soooo graceful when dancing! like her songs muchie! the 2nd show was Sopresos: an ocean odyessy...its about acrobatics and dances...ahh so nice....just like cirque de soleil i guess...i missed watching that cirque...nevertheless..Sopresos made my day! there's a total of 5 themes in the entire show... Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Pure i tink....keke....i like the EARTH most....the brazillian dancer was soooo beautifully dressed in those tribal sorta way..so colourful...she was sooo tanned..i tink she is african american sorta pattern de..keke....all the dances were extremely captivating!!! i had been completely mesmerized by the dance and music.....ahhh...wat a gorgeous dance.... there were also acrobats from china and germany, they swung in the air, danced in the air, did balancing acts, squeezing themselves into containers and so on...the atmosphere had been intensifying at times when its sooo exciting! keke after the shows, it was already 11pm, and its time for the BINGO!!!! keke..the person who got full house within 45 calls will walk away with $28,888 keke but as usual , i suspect its computerized in such a way that no1 will ever get the top price...so some1 got the consolation price of $306 haha....i left only 4 more nums to get the price sobz.... cheat my $12 ah! den after bingo, we went for supper at the mediterrenean again...ate cakes, congee, noodles, pizzas, chicken wings, fish etc etc more like dinner than supper haha... after supper, we decided to take a stroll around the gigantic cruise... walked from deck 7-13..ahh my fave is deck 13...the star deck....the moment when im at the top of the liner, i had felt so near, so close to heaven, i felt as though if i had tried to reach, i would have been able to grasp a star...hehe...that night, hadnt been very starry but it was good enough... the moon was so bright in the sky...its reflection seems to make the entire ocean shimmer in its silvery glow.... ahhh simply beau-ti-ful! time passed so fast as though in the wink of an eye, its already 2am in the wee hours of the morning! keke...we went back to the cabin... and i fell asleep listening to the seawaves against the liner and looking out at the dark ocean bathed in silvery moonlight... day 2: i woke up with a terrible feeling. the sudden dreadful feeling that descended on me as i went into the toilet, i knew im in trouble this time. for all throughout the night after downing my dinner, i had felt reactions in my palms, i got this nagging feeling at the back of my brain saying that something is wrong with me already but i had chose to ignore it... haiz... in the bathroom, i noticed both my legs and hands were covered with fleshy, red, tingling rashes... ahhhhhrgh...how could this have happened?!? and on my very virgin cruise trip too! oh mi gosh! i tried to cover up that i had contracted allegery to something by rinsing myself with death cold water...but to no avail...the rashes were too prominent to the eyes... haiz... left without a choice, i declared my problem to my parents, whom were so worried that i might have contracted some terminal deadly disease....i told them that i suspect it must have been allergy to 1 of the components of the singapore sling for i had never tried that before...and moreover , i took in so much seafood and the bed lining wasnt exactly clean..so...well...perhaps its all these combination that caused me to get this allergic reaction. luckily mom brought along my eczema med and i applied it all over the rashes.... within 2 hours, these rashes subsided...then i felt ok, no more itch. after breakfast we went sunbathing and jacuzzi.... ah..this is a wrong step! the jacuzzi water was very very warm..in fact, its hot! we sat in the jacuzzi for 30mins and following that i wanted to try the icy cold swimming pool..so i went into it... and after coming out from the ice water, i felt so cold that i decided to take up the jacuzzi again...but this time i choose a jacuzzi out of a pavilion....so that i could get a tan! keke... hmm all went well till i went back to bathe.... after bathing, i observed myself in the mirror in the bathroom and noticed 2 rashes appearing on my chest area...omg...don't tell me they are coming back..sobz...den i kept quiet and went to lunch at the pavilion room, an authentic chinese cruisine restaurant, we ate sea cucumber braised duno wat, sweet and sour fish, lotus leaf chicken and many more...towards the end of our lunch, i had this terrible feeling that my rashes were flaring up again, so i went back to the cabin to check....oh my gosh, it was terrible! now my whole body was really flared up again....and this time, even worse than before...we rushed to the medical centre to consult a doctor after i applied my cream for 1 hour but to no avail. upon reaching the medical deck, i was attended by a phillipino nurse, she took my temperature and asked me rountine questions, there was another crew waiting to see doctor too but i was put ahead of her as i had been declared as emergency case... the doctor was a myanma doctor..keke...the way he speaks very cute, but since i took biomedical before, i sort of understand what he was trying to get across to me. it was allergy due to unknown source, it maybe from the bedsheets dirty, maybe from insects maybe from seafood maybe from alcohol...well the list never ends...its unknown...pengz.....well, i had this same allergy once before when i was 16 or 17 i think...that time i was in terrible itch and agony for 3 whole nights days for i did not see the doc... haiz y m i always so prone to skin irriation...am i that sensitive?? he wanted to give me an anti-histamine shot to sooth my itch but i rejected his offer for i did not want any more injections for i had already taken tons of injection since i was 15...i did not want to bring further damage to my kidneys or any other vital organs. i told him that i could bear with the itch, just give me some oral medications, he relented and said if i ever need the injection cos i cant bear with the itch anymore, just call him and he will come to my cabin to medicate me... hehe wat a nice doctor he is.... the nurse was also very nice and caring.... after seeing the doctor, we went to buy my cruise photos with the sopresos dancers and also the cruise birdie! keke.... bought a small wooden framed photo of me n birdie...keke... next we headed to swensen's gelato cafe to have icecream, ate so many scoops of icecream till the bill was shocking for we just ordered only icecream! ahaha....16 scoops of icecream wooohooo! actually wanted to try earthquake but there wasn't any on the menu...sobz.... following that, we took a walk along the cruise, taking multiple shots of ourselves..keke...well this trip we did not take many photographs as the weather wasnt that good for phototaking all due to the fact that the sun was always behind us at those scenic spots! argh...frustrating! after that, we went back to the cabin to rest before dinner...and can you imagine that...i actually fell asleep! oh my what a waste of my limited precious time on board! it must be due to the medications! argh... dinner was at the pavilion again, this time we ate traditional syle steamed fish, and many more forgotten what i have eaten le since there were so many different types of delicacies on board haha... den we went back to the cabin again cos bro and mom wanted to go toilet..keke....den i stood in the balcony to enjoy the night view of the ocean, and daddy and i counted endless stars in the skies hehe..so bright, so beautiful. but no matter how hard i skimmed my eyes across the endless stretch of skies, i have failed to locate the Orion Belt which held special meanings to me... the 3 stars failed to show on the cloudless starry skies...how long had it been, since i last saw those stars, well i guess it has been many a months now... den i went back in to lay on the bed to watch tv...and omg! i fell asleep again...haiz...medication is making me drowsy n more drowsy.... i woke up at 11pm cos every1 wanted to go out for supper...thus i went along..keke well...supper as usual was a spread with hi tea cakes n such... ate some fried fish fillet n cakes! keke after supper, went for a quick stroll around the star deck to enjoy the gentle sea breeze...n also to digest the heavy supper haha...i gazed up at the cloudy starless sky...and wished that i could be on board boats/cruises more often... with that thought weighing in my mind, we headed back to our cabin. within moments, a huge downpour started with thunder and lightning, wow, what a spectacular it had been to watch a thunderstorm occuring in the midst of an ocean haha.... the kinda feeling is totally different as being in a storm on land...
standing on the balcony, waves and wind and rain splashed on me, ahhh the sweet taste and smell of the salt water was almost heavenly, but it had been bitterly cold for the temperature out at sea was much lower as compared to on land hehe....
day 3:
watching the beautiful sunrise, the orangy yellow glow of the rising sun illuminating the entire ocean, making everywhere seemed almost bathed in orangy light....what a warm feeling it gave out...the placid scene would have been even more idyllic if there were a couple of dolphins skipping and flipping in the backdrop like it had once been during sunset while i was in phuket 2 yrs back....ahhh.... *dreamy look* wishing that time would stand still, just for a few moments would have been enough, the happiest time had been when i was in phuket... ahh 1 of my paradise on earth.... well i better get back to the topic of cruising..keke
what a wondrous experience it had been, to be surrounded by the seas, stars, sun n skies....ahhh what is lacking to make it my paradise is the sand! oh me oh my how i wished that i could jump into the ocean and soak my soul full of the sea water, my thirst for the sea is never filling, the sea, sand,sun, skies and stars seemed to be integrated into part of my life, i always feel at ease with these 5 elements around me.... wishing that these moments could last forever, but well all good things always come to an end, soon it was almost 9am, time was drawing near for us to reach back singapore, haiz.... so fast..... although it had been kinda boring on board for there were little activities for us to do, yet to me, it was almost heavenly, it was 2nd closest i could get to being close the ocean nature haha... other than the last week at dolphin lodge haha..... phew... time seemed to past so fast when i was enjoying myself....
11am, docked back in singapore, left the ship with a heavy heart for i didn't wish it to end so fast, i spent less than 48hrs on board....haiz...but nevertheless, if i have the will, i will have the chance to go again no matter how expensive it would be. my next dream cruise is the caribbean cruise...ahhh....bea-u-ti-ful!
wow, it took me 2 weeks to get this blog up, due to the fact that im always bz with work, haiz..boss returning 11/11 n i have yet to qualify for my LAL test...sobz... -stressed- so many tests to undertake and i have no knowledge of these tests too... argh...for my future dreams to travel the oceans/islands in the world, i must work hard!
Hawaii, Maldives, Mauritus, Caribbean, Bahamas, Cairns, Great Barrier Reef, Gold Coast etc etc, wait for me, i will visit you all one day! keke =) It's over and done but the heartache lives on inside And who's the one you're clinging to instead of me tonight? And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling Dont you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight Dont cha know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight, goodnight I'm there at your side, I'm part of all the things you are But you've got a part of someone else You've got to find your shining star And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling Dont you know there's nobody left in this world to hold me tight Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight, goodnight And where are you now, now that I need you? Tears on my pillow wherever you go I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean You never see me fall apart In the words of a broken heart It's just emotion that's taken me over Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul But if you don't come back Come home to me, darling Nobody left in this world to hold me tight Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight Goodnight, goodnight
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
4:16 AM
Friday, October 21, 2005
back from dolphin lodge le... it was an enjoyable time spent there... when we 1st arrived there, and i was searching for the toilet to change into the bikini, a guy came along and talked to me n escorted me to the ladies haha....wat a warming welcome...den i found out his name to be quite similiar to my cousin...he is sophian whereas my cousin is sophia! haha... den i suan my cousin with tt guy's name saying wat similiar names hahah....the 4 of us were under the trainer of sophian and ruddie for the whole day.... but the one who showed me around was sophian...ruddie attended to my mom n aunt... hmm.... the day started with gloomy weather, dampening my moods in the morning but things went for the better and ended up being a sunny day last saturday... ended up i got sunburnt for the 1st time..... sophian taught me how to do tricks with the dolphins and i made them do sychronise swimming, dance with them by holding their dorsal fins, jumping, flipping, fetch balls, hoops and so on... the dolphins hugged n kissed me so many times...i got to touch his mouth n tongue n teeth too...i fed them with sardines...they can eat up to 8kg of sardines daily... there r a total of 14 dolphins in the lagoon...those i know of the names are : Lono, binbin, bubbles, pluto, alfa, eddie murphy, and i forgot the other names already..keke.... well the main characters in my interaction with the dolphin is 21yr old lono, 19 yr old binbin and also 15 yr old pluto.... keke.... sophian get the lono n pluto the kiss me each at one side haha..so funny and fishy smell!! eekk but it was nice nice!! different from kissing ppl! keke.... den sophian say he is jealous of the lono cos lono kissed my mouth oh mi gosh and my cousin showed me that kinda face when she heard what sophian said.... -faintz- den the dolphins carrying me around while i held onto their fins...i got to tickle the dolphins under their dorsal fins and shook hands with them, say bye bye with them.... keke they r so huge yet they r soooo cute! ahhhh like a dream came true... all my life till now i had always wanted to be with the dolphins and i finally got to do it! yeah! hmm... den during lunch break... sophian brought me around to see all the 14 dolphins.....and also to see a monkey!!! forgot what the monkey is called already haha.... den i secretly went into the shallow end of the beach to touch 2 dolphins keke..duno what they r called...but they seemed to like me touching n stroking them....den 2nd interaction time we got to do tricks with the dolphins... tis time my partner was pluto! 15 yr old pluto is sooo handsome..den when i asked him " Pluto, are you handsome?" he nodded his head! so cute! hahaha... den sophian, who is my instructor again, asked him "Pluto, r u lazy?" pluto shooked his head keke...he understands! keke...too bad din take any pictures with my camera/hp cos not waterproof camera/hp sobz!! luckily aunty took some photos with her camera....her underwater camera sooo diff to press the button...pengz....in the water... my cousin practically glued herself to my for she said she dun like sophian to hold her..pengz...well...what to say..she scared of tickle also de...keke...n sophian helps us stabilise in the water by holding us from the back mah...she so cute..she say if sophian like that hold her...she will die hahaaa.....after doing tricks...bout 4pm singapore time, we went to shower and get ready to go to the hotel already...keke...had a warm sent off by sophian and ruddie...ruddie talked to my mom and sophian walked me to the boat...before reaching the hotel, we could already see it standing on a hill..wow sooo country -like the hotel...keke....we upgraded to a superior room with a view down the sides of the hill...the view overlooks the whole of the town, spreading the view towards the sealine...ahhh so pretty...if only i could stay there longer (although the food at the hotel is terrible!)we got a pair of interconnecting rooms...keke there's a twin single bed and a queen bed...mom wants the single bed...den cousin insisted that i should sleep with her on the queen bed pengz..so like that loh...den ended up i din get a good sleep cos she sleep until my side of the bed! argh...bed so big liao she still sleep until squeezing me...arghhhhh.....the next morning, i awoke very early....5am singapore time haha..excitedly i pull opened the curtains and to my disappointment...what i saw was the sunrise with the sun rising from the right side of the sea.... - sadly, the left side of the sea bay was engulf by dark, gloomy skies... to my utmost wonder, i saw a tornado like cloud in the distant...it was looming out from the sea towards mainland...it seemed so huge, so dark and evil...a sudden feeling of dread fell onto me... i hope it wasn't what was on my mind... i quickly asked mom to come n see and she told me yes it was a tornado kinda spiral wind... n its dangerous..so if it really comes inland, we will have problems...cousin also came n joined us at the window..it was so peaceful at that moment, no birds were flying...no breeze at all...like as though we were in the eye of the storm, so placid..... but it was also unlikely that anything bad will happen since it was not known to have natural disasters in that area we were in..haha... but who knows, nowadays mother nature is a bit haywired seeing all those disasters happening everywhere on earth from fires to hurricanes to earthquakes and tsunamis....luckily within 30minutes..the tornado shape dispersed, this may be due to the fact that it has not absorbed enough water to come inland yet....well...but with its dispersion came buckets and buckets of rain falling from the dark, inky skies....we went down to have our breakfast, i hadnt much appetite to eat for i think i have put on 2kg already...sobz...yet i managed to eat a hearty breakfast with desserts too! hahaha.... den after resting for 30minutes...its time for us to go to the Peak Spa for i had booked some packages for us there.... treated mom and aunt to a 3hr spa there...i myself took a 2.5hr spa inclusive of body scrub, aromatherapy massage, steam room, herbal bath, pedicure and snacks with ginger tea... theirs 3hr package is more or less the same cept they had foot reflexlogy and shoulder and back massage minus the pedicure haha.... 1st time i went spa..so cool man! expensive yet the feeling of it is great! but the bad thing is that i can only have on a disposable undergarment! grrr.... well...its a part and parcel of spa i guess...welll i believe all spas are like that haha...her services were okok i guess since i cant comment for i never went massage or spa before? keke...i gave her SG$10 as tips afterwards.... all along the massage and scrub i was in jitters and keeping my laughter back from the tickles managed by her hands! hahaha....phew! just one holiday already squeezing my pocket dry....there are still 2 more holidays to go... and im already about to declare bankruptcy!!! argh.... this year went so many places le..keke...broke but happy.... at least during holidays, it's a time whereby i can let all unhappiness and worries go away at least momentarily...but once im back...those unhappiness and worries come sinking in again.... but nevertheless, what is life without unhappiness and happiness right? yeah i believe i am right... haa...getting lamer and lamer everyday.... muz be due to the fact that im utterly cooped up with work work and more work.... laboratory stuffs... tuitions... students results... my own tests results... money problems.... insurances and of cos regrets in my love life...haiz........ blah blah blah the list goes on and on.... neverending... phew... but i guess this is adult life ba...life is an endless cycle...starting from a baby -> child -> teenager -> young adult -> adult ...now im in the last few months of teenager age still... shall live to enjoy to the fullest i hope... well i cant hope, i myself must make it happen. my future lies in my own pair of hands... nothing shall deter me from reaching my dreams.... my dreams currently is to be promoted to be a technical specialist.... and i will make it happen...make it happen through my own hard work and not cos of pulling strings... those dumb iderts (colleagues) may not like me but its fine with me. i shall declare in this blog that im here, at tuas, to steal their jobs from them, to ride over them, to achieve higher than them! yes i may not be as well versed in laboratory practical skills, but no one is perfect. i know i am better in the theory skills as compared to them. so i shall work towards my goal. but at the same time, i must not neglect my practical skills too, for i believe in, yes i strongly believe in practice makes perfect. well perhaps not PERFECT in those perfect sense, but at least, somewhere, somehow, i will be able to master some of the technical skills...i trust myself that in time to come, i will overcome my weaknesses in practical skills and i will truimph over them. just watch out... i need time, time to practise and observe.... they all may look down on me cos i did not even heard of gram staining or never even tried pouring of agar into petri dishes before...yes i admit, there's a lot of things i do not know about yet at this moment, but in time to come, i will learn. everyone is born into the world without knowing how to do majority of the things... but we gradually learn, day by day we gain new knowledge, sometimes we may be viewing the same thing everyday yet we do not know that we are actually gaining knowledge from our observance...well i will prove those 3 dumbos wrong.... i will one day be well verse in both technical/practical and also theory skills! i knew right from the very start that they dislike me due to the fact that im the highest qualified in the lab without comparing to microbiologist and senior microbiologist of cos... well... since u feel threathened by me, feel scared of me that y u wanna drive me out of this company, u all can continue waiting and yearning for me to leave - but i won't...i know what i want. yes there may be times whereby u all teased and talked and said sarcastic and hurtful things to me, but i wun take it to heart, although at times i had really felt like crying for im so hurt yet i told myself... " be strong, you have already come such a long way. it isn't easy to get such a kind of job given that it's not even related to your diploma. you have been given a lot of chances in this life and this is one of those chances that don't come by easily. and this is one of your dream job since secondary 3 other than teaching... believe in yourself and you can do it..."bearing these words in my mind, i ploughed on....hoping yet at the same time, sure of that i will be able to make my mark one day. sometimes i wonder, where had the once confident me disappear to? at those interviews, i had protrayed such a positive and confident personnel that no interviewers have turned me down, yet why, why do i feel so inferior all of a sudden? where has all my drive gone to? many times i have tried, tried to comfort myself by telling myself that my salary is higher than them although they have worked so many years in this kinda field already but is it of any use? at 1st it soothed my anger a bit, but now, there seemed to be no difference... so what if they have experience, so what if they know all the procedures for the testS? everyone started from scratch... i know that they too, when they first came in, they did not know anything also, and from what i had heard, they had been worse off than me, for their didn't even take biochemistry/biology that kinda subjects before... who on earth do they think they are, to belittle me, who they think they are, to criticize me, who they think they are, to make fun of me by scolding me for no good reason for picking on me for saying rude things bout me... they can say all they want now, i will bear with it - for when the time is ripe, the day when i rises, will be the day they will fall...and i will make sure, they will fall hard, they will regret. just like how my 2 enemies in tp had fallen with their pathetic results and now low paying jobs... the good will always truimph over the evil. they can continue trying to find fault with me, they can continue trying to sabotage my experiments thereby making me fail my test, but i will not give up. i will be even more careful and eagle eye now...yesterday, 20 oct 05 they want to sabotage me again...haiz.... sick n tired of this kinda childishness... yesterday i prepared 84 syringes with needles to be sterilised so that after sterilization we can check n test to see if those bacteria i inserted will be killed a not...den they purposely did not seal 4 of the packages i have done finished... thereby almost getting me into deep trouble! luckily i managed to spot the mistake juz as i was handling over my products to the person at the sterlization unit..phew.. and i told sarina bout it..den she warned me to be careful of them 3....yeah!! tonight going to cruise le..so expensive man the cruise...$680 a person...den cruise starts tonight at 9pm n will be in singapore again on sunday 11am...kaoz...cheat $$$ ah!! still dare put 3 days 2 nights...where got 3 days huh....less than 2 days still dare say 3 days! arbish!!!well nevermind, at least hor...i get to go cruising! keke..my other dream coming true le..keke... mommy, daddy, bro and me will be in the balcony class room! yay!! too bad cant afford the most ex de cos 1 person will need pay $1000 for the excecutive suite...junior suite also $800++ hahaha...nevermind la...settle for the 3rd best ba..sobz...since it's only so short period... yay!! 1st time going on cruise n i get to stay the balcony class whoo hooo!! i shall not sleep much! muz view more things den will be daddy's money worth! keke...i shall stargaze alone tonight at the balcony... tml i shall watch the sunrise alone at the balcony....tomorrow i shall go to the sunset boulevard to see the sunset! keke... ahhh...wat a life! if only every weekend i can travel just like now..keke...Wish you were here (with me)
Funny how the years
They just pass us by
Seems like yesterday
You were in my life
You always wanted
To start a family
I was way too young
I was runnin' free
If you could only see me now
You'd realize
I'm not the boy who
Made you cry
You gave yourself
I didn't see it
You died in me
I should've saved you
Oh
Wish you were here with me
I thought I knew it all
How stupid could I be?
I think of all I had
And it makes me weak
If you could only see me now
You'd realize
I'm not the boy who
Made you cry
You gave yourself
I didn't see it
You died in me
I should've saved you
Oh who leave you lost
And sometimes
You learn but it's too late
It's too late
You gave yourself
I didn't see it
You died in me
I should've saved you
You gave yourself
Why did you give yourself to me?
You died in me
Why was I too blind to see?
OhOhOh
Wish you were here with me
Funny how the years
Just pass us by
Wish you were here with me
Sometimes
You hurt the ones who love you most
And sometimes
You hold the ones
*note - it took me one whole week of inter free time to write this entry phew..finally completed it... so bz bz nowadays...
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
7:33 AM
Saturday, September 10, 2005
yesterday i went lantern safari with jojo and her 2 frenz... yesterday had been a torturing day. i rushed to chinese garden mrt after work n managed to reach there at 5.15pm. i sat at the same exact place where i had stood with her juz 1 yr ago. vivid memories flashed across my tortured mind. last yr we had been there together, wearing the same pink tshirts we had bought together at queensway shopping centre. there were simply so many memories. last year had been the first time both of us ever went to the lantern funtasy. it was yet another of our 1st time together. i remembered how happy we had been last year. we even bought a similiar hp accessory crafted by a skilled china lady which consisted of a tiny grain of rice bearing our names encapsulated in a blue liquidfied small tube. we ate taiwanese sausages there too and i remembered hers was a bit sour but luckily nothing happened. we took photos together at lilo and stitch, beauty and the best etc... this year, the decorations seemed lifeless, seemed so dull, seemed so totally boring. i just plainly walked around a few exhibits without really looking at them, cos i know, in my heart, i miss her deeply... we came to the place whereby last year we took photos of winnie the pooh n piglet together....it was overbearing... for the 1st time in my life, i drank tiger beer...it tasted horrible but at least momentarily i got this fuzzy high feeling, which although made me feel terrible with a nagging headache aftershock but i rather suffer the headache much better than heartache. after that we went to the movies.... midnite movie...caught "be with me" i teared throughout the movie, those scenes in the movies seemed so familiar, so true, more or less juz like what me n her had once went thru... how we hugged together, shopped together, talked together... at one part of the movie, jojo caught me crying but she kept silent...im very grateful to her for keeping silent. i learnt something from the movie, how hurtful it can be, to realise that the one u truly love, is not with you, but with another. how painful it is, when u realise that she is hiding things from u, just like wat i once did to her before... i realised how callous and hard love can be...i realised how cruel i had once been. after the movie, i cant go home yet...cos my heart is aching and feeling sour..for the first time ever in my life, i felt so hurt and so pained n so jealous...its only then, i noe its true love. my true love is gone now...but will she be gone forever? i bit my tongue to keep my tears back... went drinking again.... encapsulated in smoke and booze seemed like heaven to me... finally at 4am, i made way for home. when home, i cant sleep, thoughts raging in my confused mind, neverending thoughts that had been there since late april 2005. filled with regrets of words and actions i failed to speak out... i cried myself to sleep again. at about 7am, i had a fitful nightmare - that we were together again, she was beside me, and suddenly she just disappeared from my life to be with another and that she was ignoring me all over again. well ever since that day, i realised she had already ignored me, i juz cant face up to it. i cant be whole without her, but i have to try. i wished that she is here to listen to my problems, she is here for me to comfort me, she is here to lend me her shoulders when i want one to lean on......but the chance is gone... if only time could really turn back.... it will always be my deepest regrets to have lost her... i wish that one day, we will be back together. the feelings that are now in my heart are beyond what i could use words to describe. i tried to love another, but its too hard, its too hurtful... god, if you love me, please grant me my wish... no matter how long, no matter how tough, i will patiently wait. i sincerely hope that it will not be an endless wait...i will wait patiently, sincerely, silently, and i hope that i will be the one she come to, when she have problems be it be in any angles such as school/relationship/frenship.... i will always be here for her...Oceans apart day after day And I slowly go insane I hear your voice on the line But it doesn't stop the pain If I see you next to never How can we say forever Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I took for granted, all the times That I though would last somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears But I can't get near you now Oh, can't you see it baby You've got me goin' CrAzY Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you I wonder how we can survive This romance But in the end if I'm with you I'll take the chance Oh, can't you see it baby You've got me goin' cRaZy Wherever you go Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you Whatever it takes Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
9:26 AM
Monday, August 29, 2005
you may not be the only flower in the garden, you may not be the only grain of sand on the beach, you may not be the only star in the sky, yet i know, you are the one in my life. ever since the day we parted, i lost the life we had created. those days we shared were bright but nowadays, nothing seemed right. i yearn for you to be mine, so much that every night i cry. hugging my pillow, hearing the winds through the willow. feeling all alone and cold wishing that you are here to kiss and hold. weiwei, everyday everynight every moment, you are always in my thoughts... i sincerely wish and pray that, your answer will be what i yearned for... i hope that the time can as happy as those days starting from 29/10/2003 again... each day i look at a page on my diary, and thought of the day we spent together, each memory seemed so vivid, so real, that i could almost feel your presence in me. each memory seemed so strong, that at times when i realised all i was thinking was not real, i feel the pang of hurt and loneliness, i wish u can always be here with me... not as a friend, but as a lover, a confident, my other half...
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
11:38 PM
Today was a good day for me, everything went smoothly for me. Went Becton Dickinson for interview again. Today there were four interviewers, 2 from HR and 2 Microbiologists. At the start, I was kind of nervous but gradually that feeling faded off as I grew more accustomed to the surroundings and environment. Today had to write yet another report, this time the scenario was: Given that a lab testing had failed, what are the steps you would take. That was all, no other elaboration… so I had to think of what to write and so on, this time I was given a mere 10 minutes. I touched on the past topic I was given at the first interview: Testing for Water contamination. I further elaborated on testing the equipments for microbes and so on… finished the report within 7minutes to my surprise. Was terribly afraid for I had this butterfly feeling in my stomach that I had screwed up my job for the report was not comprehendible by even myself. But alas, I secured the job with my air of confidence and most probably, my speech, my way of twirling information around my little finger, my quick attempts to salvage the situations… I finally won the battle between soooo many candidates but I was the fittest, it was the survival of the fittest…keke…. But now I am in a dilemma, KK also offered me a job, Technical Officer, but I am going to turn it down. It’s not totally because I do not like that job, but it’s more that I would prefer the microbiology job better. And moreoever, the pay at BD is much higher…almost $300 higher with benefits like free transport to n fro from my house and medical and insurance coverage. 5 day work also as compare to kk’s 5 and a half day work with 24hr on call in case equipment breakdown in the middle of the night. But now I don’t know how to get round to turning down kk’s offer…haiz I feel so bad, they even called me up to ask me attend their dinner and dance, but at that time I cant tell them any answers for I knew I might not take up the job if I have another better offer…and now, I DO have a better off, and I do not know how to turn them down. Well, either way, I have to get round to doing it tomorrow.
Bad news of the day, my bloody contracted got terminated. So today’s my last day of work at ttsh…haiz going to miss everyone who had been nice to me there… you are always in my thoughts, running around n never are u caught, wish that you can slow down a while, just long enough to let me see your smile. wish that you can slow down a while, just long enough to let me speak to u for miles... i miss you, do you know that? will you miss me too???
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
11:32 PM
Sunday, August 28, 2005
so many words left unsaid, so many feelings left unpaid. why is it that after so long, you are still the one making me so forlorn. endless nights, i lay in bed, waiting for sleep to overcome and take my mind whirling around and round pictures of you, swims and bound. i look up into the dark inky skies, and wondered where my bright stars flies, it was only then, did i realised that, without you in my life, all the skies seemed flat i wish and i wish and i wish again that i could one day hold you in my arms again. i wish and i wish and i wish again, that you can be my angel in arms again. dearest eunice, i hope that you are not avoiding me, i can never ever stand the feeling of losing you. i wanted to see you, i wanted to hug you, i wanted to kiss you. i wanted everything to go back like before, and this time, i will not make the same mistakes, i know i can make it happen, all i ask for, is a chance again. i hope you can believe me. i hope you will believe me. i hope that two of our hearts, will become one again. without you in my life, life seemed so bleak, without you in my life, everything is monotone. my feelings for you has always remained so strong, and it will always remain strong if not stronger. eunice, eunice, te quiero amo mio te quiero.... aishiteru
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
2:56 PM
Saturday, August 27, 2005
I am trying to master this song, so that perhaps, one day, i can sing this to her? i really want her back....this song truly spoke of my inner most feelings...at night, i would look up at heaven and ask for an answer... sometimes, i will search for a star, which would provide me with inner peace... but no matter what, maybe my love will come back one day, only heaven knows.... She's always on my mind From the time I wake up, Till I close my eyes. She's everywhere I go She's all I know. And though she's so far away, It just keeps getting stronger everyday And even now she's gone I'm still holding on So tell me, where do I start 'Coz it's breakin' my heart Don't wanna let her go Chorus: Maybe my love will come back someday Only heaven knows And maybe our hearts will find a way But only heaven knows And all I can do is hope & pray 'Coz heaven knows. My friends keep telling me That if you really love her, You've gotta set her free And if she returns in time I'll know she's mine But tell me, where do I start 'Coz it's breakin' my heart Don't wanna let her go (Repeat Chorus except last line) Bridge:'Coz heaven knows Why I live in despair 'Coz wide awake or dreamin', I know she's never there And all the time I act so brave, I'm shakin' inside Why does it hurt me so?(Repeat Chorus)
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
9:26 PM
day after day had passed, i kept running into troubles in the bloody hell clinic, today i wanted to get half day off for monday for tuas interview again, they refused to grant my little wish. they claimed clinic not enough ppl, i heard from teetee that sister fucker lye said that "if she don't come on monday, then she can no need to come again. and i want to call the agency to complain her." bloody hell loh... but before she can complain, senior staff nurse goh said " aiyo dun nid complain blah blah n so on..." den she had to give in...den fucker sis wanted to TALK to me in her office...kns...den i went in....if it was last week, i would have been so scared n cried..but today, i amazed myself, i went in, sat down n negiotiate with her. 1st thing she said was" Jasmine, why have you been late everyday for work?" den she pushed my punch card to show me . .. well i was late for only 1 or 2 mins everyday. i had wanted to show her that i had clocked out late everyday too! for up to 10mins late...but i thought better of it den i juz said no reason as to why i m late... i had totally no wish to speak to her...duh... den next she asked was"i heard that you have been very unhappy working here these few days, why is it so?" i told her that i have some personal problems with which i have no wish of divulging. den she told me " you shouldnt have vent your anger on the clinic." i replied that i know it's wrong for me to do that den she blah blah...she then asked "why your contract ending next wednesday you din inform me?"i replied " well, at that time, you were the one who called the agency to tell them to give me another chance, to extend me till aug 31. so i just leave it as it is, till 31 aug. and also the agency didn't asked me to extend like previously." she then proceeded to ask me for the agency number.i asked her for the leave, i asked her" so is my leave for monday morning approved? for i have an interview to attend."
she asked me to change the interview time slot and i replied" i m sorry but i cant change it, for its very important to me. but i can come to work after the interview" i could see that she wasnt happy but who cares, she wan she can terminate me lah i dun wan to work there also le... she said" so u meant the clinic isnt important?"i replied the clinic IS important, but the interview concerns my FUTURE." i knew i was very insistent today....so i truimph over her...i got the half day off for monday. i think she is very idiot, i think she purposely want to prevent me from getting a job for she herself as a sister(clinic manager) she is bound to understand that, once the interview is postponed, you might just lose the chance of the interview. yet she DARED to suggest that to me! what cheek she had! i then told her my frustrations bout the clinic...i have never been taught to check the case files, and how was i supposed to do something which i had never even lay my hands? i told her i have never been properly trained at all to assist the doctors, i went into the rooms to observe the senior nurses only twice, and within those times, i was there for less than 15mins. and they can simply open a new room when the urology doctors are jammed up, then ask me to go in to assist, all along i have been taking already checked case files from other nurses to let the doctors see the patients. and although they put my name on the assignment list to run the full urology clinic, i did not checked the case files as they have been checked by the staff who had been previously supposed to be assisting the doctor and at the last minute was asked to do other assignment such as counter duties. so all along, i have no training to check case files and assist doctor yet i was always called in... there were many things i had wanted to continue but hadn't the chance to, yes i had clocked in late, but y not u see the time i clock out, its much even later than 1 or 2 mins. how r u going to reimburse me for the late 10mins i clockout? nonE! not even a single cent, and yet i clock in late for 1 min, u want to deduct 15mins off my pay, is this fair? then wat about my lunch hours? you all agreed either 12-1 or 1-2 pm...and wat sort of lunch hours do i get? wierd hours like 1.30 or 2pm start ..den sometimes even only allowing me to get only 30mins lunch...is this fair to me? but i guess today i had shocked her with my insistence, i am not some1 to be bullied. the past 3 mths at tan tock seng, the living hell clinic of B1B has taught me to survive, every1 in tan tock seng noes B1B is the worst clinic in terms of ppl relation. i had survived, i m going to be stronger. i would like to thank the clinic, for giving me the chance to learn to be more confident, to grow up, to be strong in terms of self and people relation. thursday watched movie with teetee(my colleague) after ending clinic after much nagging, drink drank drunk, it was quite nice cos of daniel wu starring in the movie, he is soo handsome, and she treated me swensen's cos she juz got her pay but i got to treat her back another day...guess she is the 1st to treat me eat that ba...ate till almost $50 pengz...cray fish pasta, chilli fillet pasta, chowder soup in sourdough bread, topless 5... n we were almost late for the movie again..pengz.... ~scenes in this movie makes my heart very sour, really wished that you were here with me~ i think tee noticed i teared at points of the movie...haiz...
friday went watched the maid with collegues after much persuasion of cooping myself up in work n no life n always sad, not scary at all the show..kinda lame even...i not even scared at all...maybe its cos im in no mood for the show at all ba...we watched at cathay, as i walked passed the mastero bistroe, i was reminded of the time i went there with eunice to celebrate her fren's bday which she had to pay soooo much $$ for her fren's pressie...ate suki ramen, it was terrible! waste of $$.... waited so long for 190 to go home...n so tired n crowded on the bus summore...
saturday went work in morning, had that talk with the sister idert lye. after work we went to PS for lunch at pizza hut. had to treat teetee back...ended up eating $50 almost also...heart pain ah... but luckily i got $16.50 back from her fren cos i not treating tt fren eat haha... den went played pool at paradiz...den took cab to suntec to meet her fren's bf...den we went shop for tee's doc's pencil case...den we went marina sq walk walk n got lost there...den went took cab home... wat a day....haiz... ~at marina sq, i was reminded of the times when we went there together, every single detail i could remember so clearly as though they just happened yesterday. i walked down the flat escalator with them today down to the place where there's swensen, cafe cartel etc, and was reminded on walking down that escalator with you last sunday, my heart hurts so much, they asked me wat happened but i kept silent...at suntec, i was reminded of the times we walked through there on so many times a week last time...after ur sch or after my school, we would walked around carrefour, royal sporting house or juz simply walking aimlessly around...at esplanade, i looked at the seats near the water whereby we had sat a few times before...how i wished at that moment back in time was never ended, that i could hug you there n then always...~all these memories proved too much a toil for me... i had to get away from there asap, so i took a cab home, i dun want to walk to the bus stop where we last parted taking 960 to bugis that stop, i dun wan to walk to the bus stop where i usually took 190 home...im just missing you so much, so deeply...everything is not important but for u...i really miss you....i gathered up my courage to call u..but u were bz...i was happy to receive ur sms but u were bz...i wanted to hear your voice, but you were bz... i will wait, no matter how long, i will wait, for it's you...no1 but you...you are the one i yearn for, the one i truly loves, the one i can cry endlessly for, the one who meant everything to me n yet more...through these past few days, i had been reading through the black book i had kept record of wat we did last time...all those wonderful memories.... p/s: din meant to kept smsing you got reply a not..but i really got dc n dc...hope you wun get angry... my modem spoilt le...i typed the blog in ms word b4 publishing it...i took many times just to get this entry posted.
wOrDs Of lOvE spOkEn @
8:06 PM
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