Star Ocean & Sky Ocean

the profound me

2005-11-29T20:29:00.000+08:00

It was supposed to show depression at it's darkest point, where it becomes so overpowering that you're no longer a person in depression, but a mere faceless shell of grief. I guess you could call it being depressed about being depressed. and how true, feelings can get, when under depression, all is nothing but a mere shell. a walking, living yet empty and void of further emotions piece of shell...

life has changed much for me... i tried to put my whole soul into work work and more work... i had wanted to be void of any other useless distractions, i had wanted to turn over a new leaf, but i failed.... i failed terribly, to such an extend of no turning back. i tried to evoke new feelings, but it seemed that everything is not up to my personal standard. are the standards that i had set for myself way too high? or is it that, im trying to hard? or is it that i dun have anymore faith in it already? what exactly is going on in my feeble mind? its so pathetic... ppl ask if im happy, yes i look and appeared happy for i have what some of them don't have... but m i really happy? deep down, i myself also dunno. what for i sacrificed so much and get nothing in return? well not really practically nothing in return, i do get some returns, but those returns are not really what i yearned for... what i really wanted, i could never ever get it. i know this is a case of never ever, so i shall type it big and fat on down so that hopefully it will cross my mind and tell me to forget bout it. perhaps life would get better after that? but deep in my heart and soul, i know that i can never let go... the memories are simply too much for me to bear... all those times spent together, each and every incident have been clearly etched in my memory, times we ate together, went to beach together, went sentosa together, walked those dark scary paths together, sat at the esplanade together, had our special moments together and played and decorated a heart-shaped sparkles on the palawan beach together... all these memories are too much... too much for me to bear, i tried to act tough, to act strong, but i cant. everytime i out wif him, my thoughts strayed to her.... in the end, i had to give it up. i know myself only too well, my heart is always towards her, the feelings can flow only towards her. for i know, thru my soul, she is the only one i really treated and cared for like my gf. she's the only one i was and still is, serious about. but i know that she is wif her ex well, is her gf now... i only realised after i lost her how much i love her. and moreover, she said she's close wif a guy now, haiz... y cant i juz let everything go? why? to me, she's some1 i will love my whole life, this i know, and some1 i will never forget bout, she is the one who made me learn the meaning of love. actually i should have felt it long ago, since the 1st time we kissed, cos a tingling sensation ran powerfully thru my whole body and soul, i should have never let her go. no1 had ever given me that kinda feeling before...now, what i can pray for is for a miracle...but do miracles really exists?

There can be miracle

When you believe

Though hope is frail

It's hard to kill

Who knows what miracles

You can achieve

When you believe

Somehow you will,

You will when you believe

i really sometimes wonder, will i really, really be happy if i have tonnes and tonnes of money? my brain tells me yes, cos by then i will be able to do what i want to, yet my sub-conscious mind says not... cos in the process of achieving that goal, i will have to sacrifice other things... from this, i learnt something about life. in life, we will always have to sacrifice something in order to achieve another thing.

there were many a times when i felt as though im engulfed by the feeling of extreme loneliness... i felt as though no one remembered, no one cared, no one could understand me. i know everyone will have their own personal problems/stuffs that we would rather buried it deep within our hearts and bring it to our graves with us... that's why sometimes, i prefer that ppl dun ask me bout problems which i really dun wish to divulge...

there's a feeling encrusted deep within my heart and soul... i duno if anyone can unlock and evoke that feeling in me again... but that kinda feeling is something i cant ever forget... and maybe due to this reason, im always trying too hard to evoke that kinda feeling out to such an extend that nothing ever works out fine... haiz.... but perhaps also, different ppl will evoke diff feelings in me... so that i should not be so single sighted and focus only on that stretch of feelings and not notice the other kinds?

When the door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one that had been opened for us.

but nevertheless, i hope that one day, that kinda feeling will be in me again. Maybe it's such that im so afraid of setbacks and hurt that i don't wish to try again? or is it memories of the past haunting me? or is it that i dun wish to hurt anyone anymore... or perhaps, just perhaps, its my retribution for having hurt so many before?

We should treat every setback as a lesson, live your life from a different point of view by learning to let go of the things not belonging to you and cherishing what you have.

actually, i should be contented with what i have now, i have a stable and caring and loving family, have a stable job with although a not ideal income but its quite ok already i guess, side income from tuitions, someone who's always there for me and so on... well the only bad things in life is that i have not many friends, no matter how close we once were, we tends to drift apart in time to come... i find this very sad in my life. the saying is so "right", friends may come and friends may go... only true friends will leave footprints in your life... yes they only left footprints, but what can one do with footprints?

a last line before i wrap up this entry... Contentment is not the fulfillment of what you want, it is the realisation of how much you already have.

why am i always understanding too late?

2005-11-29T20:25:00.000+08:00

Wo shou gou le deng dai ni suo wei de an pai

Shuo de wei lai dao di duo jiu cai lai

Zong shi yao lai bu ji cai zhi dao wo ke ai

Wo xiang yi lai er ni que dou bu zai

Ying gai kai xin de di dai

Ni gei de quan shi kong bai

Yi ge ren jia ri fa dai

Zhao bu dao ren pei wo kan hai

Wo zai xing fu de men wai

Que yi zhi dou jin bu lai

Ni lei ji gei de shang hai

Wo shi zhen de hen nan shi huai

* Zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai

Er ni zong shi tai wan ming bai

Zui hou cai ba hua shuo kai

Ku zhe qiu wo liu xia lai

Zhong yu kan kai ai hui bu lai

Wo men mian qian tai duo zu ai

Ni de shou que fang bu kai

Ning yuan mei chu xi qiu wo bie li kai

Ni zong shi yao wo guai man man ji hua jiang lai

Wo de yan lei que yi zhi diao xia lai

Guo qu zen me jiao dai ni gai gei de xin lai

Bei ni qin shou huan huan tui ru xuan ya

Cong wo lian shang de cang bai

Kan dao ji yi man xia lai

Guo qu tian mi zai dao dai

Zhi shi gan jue yi jing bu zai

Er wo dui ni de qi dai

Bei ni yi ci ci shuai huai

Yi jing sui cheng tai duo kuai

Yao zen me ping cou gen chong lai [Repeat * , *]

Translation :

I’ve had enough waiting for your so-called arrangement

The future that you spoke of, just how long will it take

Always have to wait till it’s too late to realize that I’m lovable I want to depend on you, but you’re not there

The places that are supposed to be happy

All that you gave was nothing

Staring off into space by myself on holidays

Can’t find someone to accompany me to watch the sea

I’m standing outside the door of happiness

But haven’t been able to enter inside

The pain that you have cumulatively inflicted

It’s really hard for me to be released from it

* I finally realized that love cannot return

And you are always understanding too late

Only in the end do you speak your mind

Crying and begging me to stay

I finally realized that love cannot return

There are too many obstacles in front of us

But your hand cannot let go

You’d rather be shameless, begging me not to leave

You always want me to be obedient, slowly planning the future

But my tears were constantly streaming down

In the past how have you displayed the trust that you were supposed to give

I’ve been slowly pushed off a cliff directly by you

From the paleness of my face

Can see the memories slowing down

The sweetness of the past is rewinding

But the feelings are already not present

And the hopes that I have placed in you

Have been shattered by you time and again

It’s already broken into too many pieces

How can they be put back together and resumed again

[Repeat * , *]

SuperStar Virgo n ME!

2005-11-05T04:16:00.000+08:00

back from the cruise for a few days le...im always so bz and too tired to create entries for this solitary blog...hmm what i actually mean is that this blog is solitary as in it only hears from me, reflections from me alone....its getting so quiet nowadays, how i miss those times when the blog is vibrant with life, times whereby entries r always flooding in.... well the cruise was a big flipflop...i rushed to harbourfront carrying my workfiles haha...den reached there at 6pm sharp...phew half an hour late after the checkin time haha..but its ok la.... den checked into the balcony room at the 9th floor of the cruise...room number is 9160 any1 wanna try it for 4D? haha...well the room looks none too fabulous...we had this queen bed and also a double sofa bed...den the other end of the room near the sofa bed was the balcony opening our view to the endless and delicious looking ocean for days to come! ahhh the balcony... a place whereby i can stand there whole day long and gaze at the vast, endless and serene ocean... like it best when its sunrise and sunset...ahhh how the sun hang itself over the ocean before rising and setting, thereby making the entire vast surface seemed almost bathed in orangy glow...how perfect the setting would be if there were 2 dolphins jumping and swimming in the view too... and also how perfect everything would be, if the person in my mind had been with me... eh enough of these...lets move on.... hmm there's also a toilet there...it comprises of 1 partition of shower room and the other half the toilet room and also the sink area... quite small but enough for me to enjoy my shower there can le ba haha.... ok, lets get the ball rolling; 1st night after checking in and after i had inspected the room (as i always did when i go to new places) we headed to the mediterrenean room to get our international buffet dinner.... hmmm let me recall what i had ate...hmmm... yes, i ate shark fin soup much to my obligation for i had always been anti shark fin...$#^&I$%^#$ argh... next i ate some salad, then i ate braised duck with sea cucumber, spicy prawns, sushi, brocolli with albalone i tink duno what is that haha... den ate chicken wings, blah blah a lot more lah...den finished up the sumptous dinner with a dash of assorted teatime cakes and mango pudding set in a beautiful glass...so enticing...hehe...n also i drank Singapore Sling for the 1st time in my life...ahhh so nice to drink but like very diluted ... arbish cheat my $7.50 ah! den we went to watch a show at the lido...since we were staying in the balcony room, we got the priviledge of sitting in the balcony seats above the others to get this spectacular view of the entire stage! wohooo! the 1st show was a bout the notorious MARRISA BURGRESS : music is my life! ahhh she is sooo pretty wor.... though can see some age lines appearing on her pretty face le..keke nevertheless she is still pretty...she used to be the lead actress in MOULLIN ROUGE! wohooo....she's born in australia but live her life mostly in france....she knows multiple languages... and she soooo graceful when dancing! like her songs muchie! the 2nd show was Sopresos: an ocean odyessy...its about acrobatics and dances...ahh so nice....just like cirque de soleil i guess...i missed watching that cirque...nevertheless..Sopresos made my day! there's a total of 5 themes in the entire show... Earth, Water, Fire, Wind and Pure i tink....keke....i like the EARTH most....the brazillian dancer was soooo beautifully dressed in those tribal sorta way..so colourful...she was sooo tanned..i tink she is african american sorta pattern de..keke....all the dances were extremely captivating!!! i had been completely mesmerized by the dance and music.....ahhh...wat a gorgeous dance.... there were also acrobats from china and germany, they swung in the air, danced in the air, did balancing acts, squeezing themselves into containers and so on...the atmosphere had been intensifying at times when its sooo exciting! keke after the shows, it was already 11pm, and its time for the BINGO!!!! keke..the person who got full house within 45 calls will walk away with $28,888 keke but as usual , i suspect its computerized in such a way that no1 will ever get the top price...so some1 got the consolation price of $306 haha....i left only 4 more nums to get the price sobz.... cheat my $12 ah! den after bingo, we went for supper at the mediterrenean again...ate cakes, congee, noodles, pizzas, chicken wings, fish etc etc more like dinner than supper haha... after supper, we decided to take a stroll around the gigantic cruise... walked from deck 7-13..ahh my fave is deck 13...the star deck....the moment when im at the top of the liner, i had felt so near, so close to heaven, i felt as though if i had tried to reach, i would have been able to grasp a star...hehe...that night, hadnt been very starry but it was good enough... the moon was so bright in the sky...its reflection seems to make the entire ocean shimmer in its silvery glow.... ahhh simply beau-ti-ful! time passed so fast as though in the wink of an eye, its already 2am in the wee hours of the morning! keke...we went back to the cabin... and i fell asleep listening to the seawaves against the liner and looking out at the dark ocean bathed in silvery moonlight... day 2: i woke up with a terrible feeling. the sudden dreadful feeling that descended on me as i went into the toilet, i knew im in trouble this time. for all throughout the night after downing my dinner, i had felt reactions in my palms, i got this nagging feeling at the back of my brain saying that something is wrong with me already but i had chose to ignore it... haiz... in the bathroom, i noticed both my legs and hands were covered with fleshy, red, tingling rashes... ahhhhhrgh...how could this have happened?!? and on my very virgin cruise trip too! oh mi gosh! i tried to cover up that i had contracted allegery to something by rinsing myself with death cold water...but to no avail...the rashes were too prominent to the eyes... haiz... left without a choice, i declared my problem to my parents, whom were so worried that i might have contracted some terminal deadly disease....i told them that i suspect it must have been allergy to 1 of the components of the singapore sling for i had never tried that before...and moreover , i took in so much seafood and the bed lining wasnt exactly clean..so...well...perhaps its all these combination that caused me to get this allergic reaction. luckily mom brought along my eczema med and i applied it all over the rashes.... within 2 hours, these rashes subsided...then i felt ok, no more itch. after breakfast we went sunbathing and jacuzzi.... ah..this is a wrong step! the jacuzzi water was very very warm..in fact, its hot! we sat in the jacuzzi for 30mins and following that i wanted to try the icy cold swimming pool..so i went into it... and after coming out from the ice water, i felt so cold that i decided to take up the jacuzzi again...but this time i choose a jacuzzi out of a pavilion....so that i could get a tan! keke... hmm all went well till i went back to bathe.... after bathing, i observed myself in the mirror in the bathroom and noticed 2 rashes appearing on my chest area...omg...don't tell me they are coming back..sobz...den i kept quiet and went to lunch at the pavilion room, an authentic chinese cruisine restaurant, we ate sea cucumber braised duno wat, sweet and sour fish, lotus leaf chicken and many more...towards the end of our lunch, i had this terrible feeling that my rashes were flaring up again, so i went back to the cabin to check....oh my gosh, it was terrible! now my whole body was really flared up again....and this time, even worse than before...we rushed to the medical centre to consult a doctor after i applied my cream for 1 hour but to no avail. upon reaching the medical deck, i was attended by a phillipino nurse, she took my temperature and asked me rountine questions, there was another crew waiting to see doctor too but i was put ahead of her as i had been declared as emergency case... the doctor was a myanma doctor..keke...the way he speaks very cute, but since i took biomedical before, i sort of understand what he was trying to get across to me. it was allergy due to unknown source, it maybe from the bedsheets dirty, maybe from insects maybe from seafood maybe from alcohol...well the list never ends...its unknown...pengz.....well, i had this same allergy once before when i was 16 or 17 i think...that time i was in terrible itch and agony for 3 whole nights days for i did not see the doc... haiz y m i always so prone to skin irriation...am i that sensitive?? he wanted to give me an anti-histamine shot to sooth my itch but i rejected his offer for i did not want any more injections for i had already taken tons of injection since i was 15...i did not want to bring further damage to my kidneys or any other vital organs. i told him that i could bear with the itch, just give me some oral medications, he relented and said if i ever need the injection cos i cant bear with the itch anymore, just call him and he will come to my cabin to medicate me... hehe wat a nice doctor he is.... the nurse was also very nice and caring.... after seeing the doctor, we went to buy my cruise photos with the sopresos dancers and also the cruise birdie! keke.... bought a small wooden framed photo of me n birdie...keke... next we headed to swensen's gelato cafe to have icecream, ate so many scoops of icecream till the bill was shocking for we just ordered only icecream! ahaha....16 scoops of icecream wooohooo! actually wanted to try earthquake but there wasn't any on the menu...sobz.... following that, we took a walk along the cruise, taking multiple shots of ourselves..keke...well this trip we did not take many photographs as the weather wasnt that good for phototaking all due to the fact that the sun was always behind us at those scenic spots! argh...frustrating! after that, we went back to the cabin to rest before dinner...and can you imagine that...i actually fell asleep! oh my what a waste of my limited precious time on board! it must be due to the medications! argh... dinner was at the pavilion again, this time we ate traditional syle steamed fish, and many more forgotten what i have eaten le since there were so many different types of delicacies on board haha... den we went back to the cabin again cos bro and mom wanted to go toilet..keke....den i stood in the balcony to enjoy the night view of the ocean, and daddy and i counted endless stars in the skies hehe..so bright, so beautiful. but no matter how hard i skimmed my eyes across the endless stretch of skies, i have failed to locate the Orion Belt which held special meanings to me... the 3 stars failed to show on the cloudless starry skies...how long had it been, since i last saw those stars, well i guess it has been many a months now... den i went back in to lay on the bed to watch tv...and omg! i fell asleep again...haiz...medication is making me drowsy n more drowsy.... i woke up at 11pm cos every1 wanted to go out for supper...thus i went along..keke well...supper as usual was a spread with hi tea cakes n such... ate some fried fish fillet n cakes! keke after supper, went for a quick stroll around the star deck to enjoy the gentle sea breeze...n also to digest the heavy supper haha...i gazed up at the cloudy starless sky...and wished that i could be on board boats/cruises more often... with that thought weighing in my mind, we headed back to our cabin. within moments, a huge downpour started with thunder and lightning, wow, what a spectacular it had been to watch a thunderstorm occuring in the midst of an ocean haha.... the kinda feeling is totally different as being in a storm on land...

standing on the balcony, waves and wind and rain splashed on me, ahhh the sweet taste and smell of the salt water was almost heavenly, but it had been bitterly cold for the temperature out at sea was much lower as compared to on land hehe....

day 3:
watching the beautiful sunrise, the orangy yellow glow of the rising sun illuminating the entire ocean, making everywhere seemed almost bathed in orangy light....what a warm feeling it gave out...the placid scene would have been even more idyllic if there were a couple of dolphins skipping and flipping in the backdrop like it had once been during sunset while i was in phuket 2 yrs back....ahhh.... *dreamy look* wishing that time would stand still, just for a few moments would have been enough, the happiest time had been when i was in phuket... ahh 1 of my paradise on earth.... well i better get back to the topic of cruising..keke

what a wondrous experience it had been, to be surrounded by the seas, stars, sun n skies....ahhh what is lacking to make it my paradise is the sand! oh me oh my how i wished that i could jump into the ocean and soak my soul full of the sea water, my thirst for the sea is never filling, the sea, sand,sun, skies and stars seemed to be integrated into part of my life, i always feel at ease with these 5 elements around me.... wishing that these moments could last forever, but well all good things always come to an end, soon it was almost 9am, time was drawing near for us to reach back singapore, haiz.... so fast..... although it had been kinda boring on board for there were little activities for us to do, yet to me, it was almost heavenly, it was 2nd closest i could get to being close the ocean nature haha... other than the last week at dolphin lodge haha..... phew... time seemed to past so fast when i was enjoying myself....

11am, docked back in singapore, left the ship with a heavy heart for i didn't wish it to end so fast, i spent less than 48hrs on board....haiz...but nevertheless, if i have the will, i will have the chance to go again no matter how expensive it would be. my next dream cruise is the caribbean cruise...ahhh....bea-u-ti-ful!

wow, it took me 2 weeks to get this blog up, due to the fact that im always bz with work, haiz..boss returning 11/11 n i have yet to qualify for my LAL test...sobz... -stressed- so many tests to undertake and i have no knowledge of these tests too... argh...for my future dreams to travel the oceans/islands in the world, i must work hard!
Hawaii, Maldives, Mauritus, Caribbean, Bahamas, Cairns, Great Barrier Reef, Gold Coast etc etc, wait for me, i will visit you all one day! keke =)

It's over and done

but the heartache lives on inside

And who's the one you're clinging to

instead of me tonight?

And where are you now,

now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Dont you know there's nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Dont cha know there's nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

I'm there at your side,

I'm part of all the things you are

But you've got a part of someone else

You've got to find your shining star

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Dont you know there's nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

And where are you now, now that I need you?

Tears on my pillow wherever you go

I'll cry me a river that leads to your ocean

You never see me fall apart

In the words of a broken heart

It's just emotion that's taken me over

Caught up in sorrow, lost in my soul

But if you don't come back

Come home to me, darling

Nobody left in this world

to hold me tight

Nobody left in this world to kiss goodnight

Goodnight, goodnight

Dance with dolphins

2005-10-21T07:33:00.000+08:00

back from dolphin lodge le... it was an enjoyable time spent there... when we 1st arrived there, and i was searching for the toilet to change into the bikini, a guy came along and talked to me n escorted me to the ladies haha....wat a warming welcome...den i found out his name to be quite similiar to my cousin...he is sophian whereas my cousin is sophia! haha... den i suan my cousin with tt guy's name saying wat similiar names hahah....

the 4 of us were under the trainer of sophian and ruddie for the whole day.... but the one who showed me around was sophian...ruddie attended to my mom n aunt... hmm.... the day started with gloomy weather, dampening my moods in the morning but things went for the better and ended up being a sunny day last saturday... ended up i got sunburnt for the 1st time..... sophian taught me how to do tricks with the dolphins and i made them do sychronise swimming, dance with them by holding their dorsal fins, jumping, flipping, fetch balls, hoops and so on... the dolphins hugged n kissed me so many times...i got to touch his mouth n tongue n teeth too...i fed them with sardines...they can eat up to 8kg of sardines daily... there r a total of 14 dolphins in the lagoon...those i know of the names are : Lono, binbin, bubbles, pluto, alfa, eddie murphy, and i forgot the other names already..keke....

well the main characters in my interaction with the dolphin is 21yr old lono, 19 yr old binbin and also 15 yr old pluto.... keke.... sophian get the lono n pluto the kiss me each at one side haha..so funny and fishy smell!! eekk but it was nice nice!! different from kissing ppl! keke.... den sophian say he is jealous of the lono cos lono kissed my mouth oh mi gosh and my cousin showed me that kinda face when she heard what sophian said.... -faintz- den the dolphins carrying me around while i held onto their fins...i got to tickle the dolphins under their dorsal fins and shook hands with them, say bye bye with them.... keke they r so huge yet they r soooo cute!

ahhhh like a dream came true... all my life till now i had always wanted to be with the dolphins and i finally got to do it! yeah! hmm... den during lunch break... sophian brought me around to see all the 14 dolphins.....and also to see a monkey!!! forgot what the monkey is called already haha.... den i secretly went into the shallow end of the beach to touch 2 dolphins keke..duno what they r called...but they seemed to like me touching n stroking them....den 2nd interaction time we got to do tricks with the dolphins... tis time my partner was pluto! 15 yr old pluto is sooo handsome..den when i asked him " Pluto, are you handsome?" he nodded his head! so cute! hahaha... den sophian, who is my instructor again, asked him "Pluto, r u lazy?" pluto shooked his head keke...he understands!

keke...too bad din take any pictures with my camera/hp cos not waterproof camera/hp sobz!! luckily aunty took some photos with her camera....her underwater camera sooo diff to press the button...pengz....in the water... my cousin practically glued herself to my for she said she dun like sophian to hold her..pengz...well...what to say..she scared of tickle also de...keke...n sophian helps us stabilise in the water by holding us from the back mah...she so cute..she say if sophian like that hold her...she will die hahaaa.....after doing tricks...bout 4pm singapore time, we went to shower and get ready to go to the hotel already...keke...had a warm sent off by sophian and ruddie...ruddie talked to my mom and sophian walked me to the boat...before reaching the hotel, we could already see it standing on a hill..wow sooo country -like the hotel...keke....we upgraded to a superior room with a view down the sides of the hill...the view overlooks the whole of the town, spreading the view towards the sealine...ahhh so pretty...if only i could stay there longer (although the food at the hotel is terrible!)

we got a pair of interconnecting rooms...keke there's a twin single bed and a queen bed...mom wants the single bed...den cousin insisted that i should sleep with her on the queen bed pengz..so like that loh...den ended up i din get a good sleep cos she sleep until my side of the bed! argh...bed so big liao she still sleep until squeezing me...arghhhhh.....the next morning, i awoke very early....5am singapore time haha..excitedly i pull opened the curtains and to my disappointment...what i saw was the sunrise with the sun rising from the right side of the sea.... - sadly, the left side of the sea bay was engulf by dark, gloomy skies... to my utmost wonder, i saw a tornado like cloud in the distant...it was looming out from the sea towards mainland...it seemed so huge, so dark and evil...a sudden feeling of dread fell onto me... i hope it wasn't what was on my mind... i quickly asked mom to come n see and she told me yes it was a tornado kinda spiral wind... n its dangerous..so if it really comes inland, we will have problems...cousin also came n joined us at the window..it was so peaceful at that moment, no birds were flying...no breeze at all...like as though we were in the eye of the storm, so placid..... but it was also unlikely that anything bad will happen since it was not known to have natural disasters in that area we were in..haha... but who knows, nowadays mother nature is a bit haywired seeing all those disasters happening everywhere on earth from fires to hurricanes to earthquakes and tsunamis....

luckily within 30minutes..the tornado shape dispersed, this may be due to the fact that it has not absorbed enough water to come inland yet....well...but with its dispersion came buckets and buckets of rain falling from the dark, inky skies....we went down to have our breakfast, i hadnt much appetite to eat for i think i have put on 2kg already...sobz...yet i managed to eat a hearty breakfast with desserts too! hahaha.... den after resting for 30minutes...its time for us to go to the Peak Spa for i had booked some packages for us there.... treated mom and aunt to a 3hr spa there...i myself took a 2.5hr spa inclusive of body scrub, aromatherapy massage, steam room, herbal bath, pedicure and snacks with ginger tea... theirs 3hr package is more or less the same cept they had foot reflexlogy and shoulder and back massage minus the pedicure haha.... 1st time i went spa..so cool man! expensive yet the feeling of it is great! but the bad thing is that i can only have on a disposable undergarment! grrr.... well...its a part and parcel of spa i guess...welll i believe all spas are like that haha...her services were okok i guess since i cant comment for i never went massage or spa before? keke...i gave her SG$10 as tips afterwards.... all along the massage and scrub i was in jitters and keeping my laughter back from the tickles managed by her hands! hahaha....phew! just one holiday already squeezing my pocket dry....there are still 2 more holidays to go... and im already about to declare bankruptcy!!!

argh.... this year went so many places le..keke...broke but happy.... at least during holidays, it's a time whereby i can let all unhappiness and worries go away at least momentarily...but once im back...those unhappiness and worries come sinking in again.... but nevertheless, what is life without unhappiness and happiness right? yeah i believe i am right... haa...getting lamer and lamer everyday.... muz be due to the fact that im utterly cooped up with work work and more work.... laboratory stuffs... tuitions... students results... my own tests results... money problems.... insurances and of cos regrets in my love life...haiz........ blah blah blah the list goes on and on.... neverending... phew...

but i guess this is adult life ba...life is an endless cycle...starting from a baby -> child -> teenager -> young adult -> adult ...now im in the last few months of teenager age still... shall live to enjoy to the fullest i hope... well i cant hope, i myself must make it happen. my future lies in my own pair of hands... nothing shall deter me from reaching my dreams....

my dreams currently is to be promoted to be a technical specialist.... and i will make it happen...make it happen through my own hard work and not cos of pulling strings... those dumb iderts (colleagues) may not like me but its fine with me. i shall declare in this blog that im here, at tuas, to steal their jobs from them, to ride over them, to achieve higher than them! yes i may not be as well versed in laboratory practical skills, but no one is perfect. i know i am better in the theory skills as compared to them. so i shall work towards my goal. but at the same time, i must not neglect my practical skills too, for i believe in, yes i strongly believe in practice makes perfect. well perhaps not PERFECT in those perfect sense, but at least, somewhere, somehow, i will be able to master some of the technical skills...i trust myself that in time to come, i will overcome my weaknesses in practical skills and i will truimph over them. just watch out... i need time, time to practise and observe.... they all may look down on me cos i did not even heard of gram staining or never even tried pouring of agar into petri dishes before...

yes i admit, there's a lot of things i do not know about yet at this moment, but in time to come, i will learn. everyone is born into the world without knowing how to do majority of the things... but we gradually learn, day by day we gain new knowledge, sometimes we may be viewing the same thing everyday yet we do not know that we are actually gaining knowledge from our observance...well i will prove those 3 dumbos wrong.... i will one day be well verse in both technical/practical and also theory skills! i knew right from the very start that they dislike me due to the fact that im the highest qualified in the lab without comparing to microbiologist and senior microbiologist of cos... well... since u feel threathened by me, feel scared of me that y u wanna drive me out of this company, u all can continue waiting and yearning for me to leave - but i won't...i know what i want.

yes there may be times whereby u all teased and talked and said sarcastic and hurtful things to me, but i wun take it to heart, although at times i had really felt like crying for im so hurt yet i told myself... " be strong, you have already come such a long way. it isn't easy to get such a kind of job given that it's not even related to your diploma. you have been given a lot of chances in this life and this is one of those chances that don't come by easily. and this is one of your dream job since secondary 3 other than teaching... believe in yourself and you can do it..."bearing these words in my mind, i ploughed on....hoping yet at the same time, sure of that i will be able to make my mark one day. sometimes i wonder, where had the once confident me disappear to? at those interviews, i had protrayed such a positive and confident personnel that no interviewers have turned me down, yet why, why do i feel so inferior all of a sudden? where has all my drive gone to? many times i have tried, tried to comfort myself by telling myself that my salary is higher than them although they have worked so many years in this kinda field already but is it of any use? at 1st it soothed my anger a bit, but now, there seemed to be no difference... so what if they have experience, so what if they know all the procedures for the testS?

everyone started from scratch... i know that they too, when they first came in, they did not know anything also, and from what i had heard, they had been worse off than me, for their didn't even take biochemistry/biology that kinda subjects before... who on earth do they think they are, to belittle me, who they think they are, to criticize me, who they think they are, to make fun of me by scolding me for no good reason for picking on me for saying rude things bout me... they can say all they want now, i will bear with it - for when the time is ripe, the day when i rises, will be the day they will fall...and i will make sure, they will fall hard, they will regret. just like how my 2 enemies in tp had fallen with their pathetic results and now low paying jobs... the good will always truimph over the evil. they can continue trying to find fault with me, they can continue trying to sabotage my experiments thereby making me fail my test, but i will not give up. i will be even more careful and eagle eye now...

yesterday, 20 oct 05 they want to sabotage me again...haiz.... sick n tired of this kinda childishness... yesterday i prepared 84 syringes with needles to be sterilised so that after sterilization we can check n test to see if those bacteria i inserted will be killed a not...den they purposely did not seal 4 of the packages i have done finished... thereby almost getting me into deep trouble! luckily i managed to spot the mistake juz as i was handling over my products to the person at the sterlization unit..phew.. and i told sarina bout it..den she warned me to be careful of them 3....yeah!! tonight going to cruise le..so expensive man the cruise...$680 a person...den cruise starts tonight at 9pm n will be in singapore again on sunday 11am...kaoz...cheat $$$ ah!! still dare put 3 days 2 nights...where got 3 days huh....less than 2 days still dare say 3 days! arbish!!!well nevermind, at least hor...i get to go cruising! keke..my other dream coming true le..keke... mommy, daddy, bro and me will be in the balcony class room! yay!! too bad cant afford the most ex de cos 1 person will need pay $1000 for the excecutive suite...junior suite also $800++ hahaha...nevermind la...settle for the 3rd best ba..sobz...since it's only so short period... yay!! 1st time going on cruise n i get to stay the balcony class whoo hooo!! i shall not sleep much! muz view more things den will be daddy's money worth! keke...i shall stargaze alone tonight at the balcony... tml i shall watch the sunrise alone at the balcony....tomorrow i shall go to the sunset boulevard to see the sunset! keke... ahhh...wat a life! if only every weekend i can travel just like now..keke...

Wish you were here (with me)

Funny how the years
They just pass us by
Seems like yesterday
You were in my life
You always wanted
To start a family
I was way too young
I was runnin' free
If you could only see me now
You'd realize
I'm not the boy who
Made you cry
You gave yourself
I didn't see it
You died in me
I should've saved you
Oh
Wish you were here with me
I thought I knew it all
How stupid could I be?
I think of all I had
And it makes me weak
If you could only see me now
You'd realize
I'm not the boy who
Made you cry
You gave yourself
I didn't see it
You died in me
I should've saved you
Oh who leave you lost
And sometimes
You learn but it's too late
It's too late
You gave yourself
I didn't see it
You died in me
I should've saved you
You gave yourself
Why did you give yourself to me?
You died in me
Why was I too blind to see?
OhOhOh
Wish you were here with me
Funny how the years
Just pass us by
Wish you were here with me
Sometimes
You hurt the ones who love you most
And sometimes
You hold the ones

*note - it took me one whole week of inter free time to write this entry phew..finally completed it... so bz bz nowadays...

maybe my love will come back someday, only heaven knows...

2005-09-10T09:26:00.000+08:00

yesterday i went lantern safari with jojo and her 2 frenz... yesterday had been a torturing day. i rushed to chinese garden mrt after work n managed to reach there at 5.15pm. i sat at the same exact place where i had stood with her juz 1 yr ago. vivid memories flashed across my tortured mind. last yr we had been there together, wearing the same pink tshirts we had bought together at queensway shopping centre. there were simply so many memories. last year had been the first time both of us ever went to the lantern funtasy. it was yet another of our 1st time together. i remembered how happy we had been last year. we even bought a similiar hp accessory crafted by a skilled china lady which consisted of a tiny grain of rice bearing our names encapsulated in a blue liquidfied small tube. we ate taiwanese sausages there too and i remembered hers was a bit sour but luckily nothing happened. we took photos together at lilo and stitch, beauty and the best etc... this year, the decorations seemed lifeless, seemed so dull, seemed so totally boring. i just plainly walked around a few exhibits without really looking at them, cos i know, in my heart, i miss her deeply... we came to the place whereby last year we took photos of winnie the pooh n piglet together....it was overbearing... for the 1st time in my life, i drank tiger beer...it tasted horrible but at least momentarily i got this fuzzy high feeling, which although made me feel terrible with a nagging headache aftershock but i rather suffer the headache much better than heartache. after that we went to the movies.... midnite movie...caught "be with me" i teared throughout the movie, those scenes in the movies seemed so familiar, so true, more or less juz like what me n her had once went thru... how we hugged together, shopped together, talked together... at one part of the movie, jojo caught me crying but she kept silent...im very grateful to her for keeping silent. i learnt something from the movie, how hurtful it can be, to realise that the one u truly love, is not with you, but with another. how painful it is, when u realise that she is hiding things from u, just like wat i once did to her before... i realised how callous and hard love can be...i realised how cruel i had once been. after the movie, i cant go home yet...cos my heart is aching and feeling sour..for the first time ever in my life, i felt so hurt and so pained n so jealous...its only then, i noe its true love. my true love is gone now...but will she be gone forever? i bit my tongue to keep my tears back... went drinking again.... encapsulated in smoke and booze seemed like heaven to me... finally at 4am, i made way for home. when home, i cant sleep, thoughts raging in my confused mind, neverending thoughts that had been there since late april 2005. filled with regrets of words and actions i failed to speak out... i cried myself to sleep again. at about 7am, i had a fitful nightmare - that we were together again, she was beside me, and suddenly she just disappeared from my life to be with another and that she was ignoring me all over again. well ever since that day, i realised she had already ignored me, i juz cant face up to it. i cant be whole without her, but i have to try. i wished that she is here to listen to my problems, she is here for me to comfort me, she is here to lend me her shoulders when i want one to lean on......but the chance is gone... if only time could really turn back.... it will always be my deepest regrets to have lost her... i wish that one day, we will be back together. the feelings that are now in my heart are beyond what i could use words to describe. i tried to love another, but its too hard, its too hurtful... god, if you love me, please grant me my wish... no matter how long, no matter how tough, i will patiently wait. i sincerely hope that it will not be an endless wait...i will wait patiently, sincerely, silently, and i hope that i will be the one she come to, when she have problems be it be in any angles such as school/relationship/frenship.... i will always be here for her...

Oceans apart

day after day

And I slowly go insane

I hear your voice on the line

But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never

How can we say forever

Wherever you go

Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes

Or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you I took for granted, all the times

That I though would last somehow I hear the laughter, I taste the tears

But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby

You've got me goin' CrAzY

Wherever you go

Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes

Or how my heart breaks

I will be right here waiting for you

I wonder how we can survive

This romance

But in the end if I'm with you

I'll take the chance

Oh, can't you see it baby

You've got me goin' cRaZy

Wherever you go

Whatever you do I will be right here waiting for you

Whatever it takes

Or how my heart breaks I will be right here waiting for you

2005-08-29T23:38:00.000+08:00

you may not be the only flower in the garden,

you may not be the only grain of sand on the beach,

you may not be the only star in the sky,

yet i know, you are the one in my life.

ever since the day we parted,

i lost the life we had created.

those days we shared were bright

but nowadays, nothing seemed right.

i yearn for you to be mine,

so much that every night i cry.

hugging my pillow,

hearing the winds through the willow.

feeling all alone and cold

wishing that you are here to kiss and hold.

weiwei, everyday everynight every moment, you are always in my thoughts... i sincerely wish and pray that, your answer will be what i yearned for... i hope that the time can as happy as those days starting from 29/10/2003 again... each day i look at a page on my diary, and thought of the day we spent together, each memory seemed so vivid, so real, that i could almost feel your presence in me. each memory seemed so strong, that at times when i realised all i was thinking was not real, i feel the pang of hurt and loneliness, i wish u can always be here with me... not as a friend, but as a lover, a confident, my other half...

2005-08-29T23:32:00.000+08:00

Today was a good day for me, everything went smoothly for me. Went Becton Dickinson for interview again. Today there were four interviewers, 2 from HR and 2 Microbiologists. At the start, I was kind of nervous but gradually that feeling faded off as I grew more accustomed to the surroundings and environment. Today had to write yet another report, this time the scenario was: Given that a lab testing had failed, what are the steps you would take. That was all, no other elaboration… so I had to think of what to write and so on, this time I was given a mere 10 minutes. I touched on the past topic I was given at the first interview: Testing for Water contamination. I further elaborated on testing the equipments for microbes and so on… finished the report within 7minutes to my surprise. Was terribly afraid for I had this butterfly feeling in my stomach that I had screwed up my job for the report was not comprehendible by even myself. But alas, I secured the job with my air of confidence and most probably, my speech, my way of twirling information around my little finger, my quick attempts to salvage the situations… I finally won the battle between soooo many candidates but I was the fittest, it was the survival of the fittest…keke…. But now I am in a dilemma, KK also offered me a job, Technical Officer, but I am going to turn it down. It’s not totally because I do not like that job, but it’s more that I would prefer the microbiology job better. And moreoever, the pay at BD is much higher…almost $300 higher with benefits like free transport to n fro from my house and medical and insurance coverage. 5 day work also as compare to kk’s 5 and a half day work with 24hr on call in case equipment breakdown in the middle of the night. But now I don’t know how to get round to turning down kk’s offer…haiz I feel so bad, they even called me up to ask me attend their dinner and dance, but at that time I cant tell them any answers for I knew I might not take up the job if I have another better offer…and now, I DO have a better off, and I do not know how to turn them down. Well, either way, I have to get round to doing it tomorrow.
Bad news of the day, my bloody contracted got terminated. So today’s my last day of work at ttsh…haiz going to miss everyone who had been nice to me there…

you are always in my thoughts,

running around n never are u caught,

wish that you can slow down a while,

just long enough to let me see your smile.

wish that you can slow down a while,

just long enough to let me speak to u for miles...

i miss you, do you know that?

will you miss me too???

te quiero

2005-08-28T14:56:00.000+08:00

so many words left unsaid,
so many feelings left unpaid.
why is it that after so long,
you are still the one making me so forlorn.
endless nights, i lay in bed,
waiting for sleep to overcome and take
my mind whirling around and round
pictures of you, swims and bound.
i look up into the dark inky skies,
and wondered where my bright stars flies,
it was only then, did i realised that,
without you in my life, all the skies seemed flat
i wish and i wish and i wish again
that i could one day hold you in my arms again.
i wish and i wish and i wish again,
that you can be my angel in arms again.

dearest eunice, i hope that you are not avoiding me, i can never ever stand the feeling of losing you. i wanted to see you, i wanted to hug you, i wanted to kiss you. i wanted everything to go back like before, and this time, i will not make the same mistakes, i know i can make it happen, all i ask for, is a chance again. i hope you can believe me. i hope you will believe me. i hope that two of our hearts, will become one again. without you in my life, life seemed so bleak, without you in my life, everything is monotone. my feelings for you has always remained so strong, and it will always remain strong if not stronger. eunice, eunice, te quiero amo mio te quiero.... aishiteru

heaven knows

2005-08-27T21:26:00.000+08:00

I am trying to master this song, so that perhaps, one day, i can sing this to her? i really want her back....this song truly spoke of my inner most feelings...at night, i would look up at heaven and ask for an answer... sometimes, i will search for a star, which would provide me with inner peace... but no matter what, maybe my love will come back one day, only heaven knows....

She's always on my mind

From the time I wake up,

Till I close my eyes.

She's everywhere I go

She's all I know.

And though she's so far away,

It just keeps getting stronger everyday

And even now she's gone

I'm still holding on

So tell me, where do I start

'Coz it's breakin' my heart

Don't wanna let her go

Chorus:

Maybe my love will come back someday

Only heaven knows

And maybe our hearts will find a way

But only heaven knows

And all I can do is hope & pray

'Coz heaven knows.

My friends keep telling me

That if you really love her,

You've gotta set her free

And if she returns in time

I'll know she's mine

But tell me, where do I start

'Coz it's breakin' my heart

Don't wanna let her go

(Repeat Chorus except last line)

Bridge:'Coz heaven knows

Why I live in despair

'Coz wide awake or dreamin',

I know she's never there

And all the time I act so brave,

I'm shakin' inside

Why does it hurt me so?(Repeat Chorus)

another day another hour another minute another second

2005-08-27T20:06:00.000+08:00

day after day had passed, i kept running into troubles in the bloody hell clinic, today i wanted to get half day off for monday for tuas interview again, they refused to grant my little wish. they claimed clinic not enough ppl, i heard from teetee that sister fucker lye said that "if she don't come on monday, then she can no need to come again. and i want to call the agency to complain her." bloody hell loh... but before she can complain, senior staff nurse goh said " aiyo dun nid complain blah blah n so on..." den she had to give in...den fucker sis wanted to TALK to me in her office...kns...den i went in....if it was last week, i would have been so scared n cried..but today, i amazed myself, i went in, sat down n negiotiate with her.

1st thing she said was" Jasmine, why have you been late everyday for work?" den she pushed my punch card to show me . .. well i was late for only 1 or 2 mins everyday. i had wanted to show her that i had clocked out late everyday too! for up to 10mins late...but i thought better of it den i juz said no reason as to why i m late... i had totally no wish to speak to her...duh...

den next she asked was"i heard that you have been very unhappy working here these few days, why is it so?" i told her that i have some personal problems with which i have no wish of divulging. den she told me " you shouldnt have vent your anger on the clinic." i replied that i know it's wrong for me to do that den she blah blah...

she then asked "why your contract ending next wednesday you din inform me?"
i replied " well, at that time, you were the one who called the agency to tell them to give me another chance, to extend me till aug 31. so i just leave it as it is, till 31 aug. and also the agency didn't asked me to extend like previously."
she then proceeded to ask me for the agency number.

i asked her for the leave, i asked her" so is my leave for monday morning approved? for i have an interview to attend."
she asked me to change the interview time slot and i replied" i m sorry but i cant change it, for its very important to me. but i can come to work after the interview"
i could see that she wasnt happy but who cares, she wan she can terminate me lah i dun wan to work there also le... she said" so u meant the clinic isnt important?"
i replied the clinic IS important, but the interview concerns my FUTURE." i knew i was very insistent today....so i truimph over her...i got the half day off for monday. i think she is very idiot, i think she purposely want to prevent me from getting a job for she herself as a sister(clinic manager) she is bound to understand that, once the interview is postponed, you might just lose the chance of the interview. yet she DARED to suggest that to me! what cheek she had!

i then told her my frustrations bout the clinic...
i have never been taught to check the case files, and how was i supposed to do something which i had never even lay my hands? i told her i have never been properly trained at all to assist the doctors, i went into the rooms to observe the senior nurses only twice, and within those times, i was there for less than 15mins. and they can simply open a new room when the urology doctors are jammed up, then ask me to go in to assist, all along i have been taking already checked case files from other nurses to let the doctors see the patients. and although they put my name on the assignment list to run the full urology clinic, i did not checked the case files as they have been checked by the staff who had been previously supposed to be assisting the doctor and at the last minute was asked to do other assignment such as counter duties. so all along, i have no training to check case files and assist doctor yet i was always called in...

there were many things i had wanted to continue but hadn't the chance to, yes i had clocked in late, but y not u see the time i clock out, its much even later than 1 or 2 mins. how r u going to reimburse me for the late 10mins i clockout? nonE! not even a single cent, and yet i clock in late for 1 min, u want to deduct 15mins off my pay, is this fair? then wat about my lunch hours? you all agreed either 12-1 or 1-2 pm...and wat sort of lunch hours do i get? wierd hours like 1.30 or 2pm start ..den sometimes even only allowing me to get only 30mins lunch...is this fair to me? but i guess today i had shocked her with my insistence, i am not some1 to be bullied. the past 3 mths at tan tock seng, the living hell clinic of B1B has taught me to survive, every1 in tan tock seng noes B1B is the worst clinic in terms of ppl relation. i had survived, i m going to be stronger. i would like to thank the clinic, for giving me the chance to learn to be more confident, to grow up, to be strong in terms of self and people relation.

thursday watched movie with teetee(my colleague) after ending clinic after much nagging, drink drank drunk, it was quite nice cos of daniel wu starring in the movie, he is soo handsome, and she treated me swensen's cos she juz got her pay but i got to treat her back another day...guess she is the 1st to treat me eat that ba...ate till almost $50 pengz...cray fish pasta, chilli fillet pasta, chowder soup in sourdough bread, topless 5... n we were almost late for the movie again..pengz.... ~scenes in this movie makes my heart very sour, really wished that you were here with me~ i think tee noticed i teared at points of the movie...haiz...

friday went watched the maid with collegues after much persuasion of cooping myself up in work n no life n always sad, not scary at all the show..kinda lame even...i not even scared at all...maybe its cos im in no mood for the show at all ba...we watched at cathay, as i walked passed the mastero bistroe, i was reminded of the time i went there with eunice to celebrate her fren's bday which she had to pay soooo much $$ for her fren's pressie...ate suki ramen, it was terrible! waste of $$.... waited so long for 190 to go home...n so tired n crowded on the bus summore...

saturday went work in morning, had that talk with the sister idert lye. after work we went to PS for lunch at pizza hut. had to treat teetee back...ended up eating $50 almost also...heart pain ah... but luckily i got $16.50 back from her fren cos i not treating tt fren eat haha... den went played pool at paradiz...den took cab to suntec to meet her fren's bf...den we went shop for tee's doc's pencil case...den we went marina sq walk walk n got lost there...den went took cab home... wat a day....haiz...

~at marina sq, i was reminded of the times when we went there together, every single detail i could remember so clearly as though they just happened yesterday. i walked down the flat escalator with them today down to the place where there's swensen, cafe cartel etc, and was reminded on walking down that escalator with you last sunday, my heart hurts so much, they asked me wat happened but i kept silent...
at suntec, i was reminded of the times we walked through there on so many times a week last time...after ur sch or after my school, we would walked around carrefour, royal sporting house or juz simply walking aimlessly around...
at esplanade, i looked at the seats near the water whereby we had sat a few times before...how i wished at that moment back in time was never ended, that i could hug you there n then always...~

all these memories proved too much a toil for me... i had to get away from there asap, so i took a cab home, i dun want to walk to the bus stop where we last parted taking 960 to bugis that stop, i dun wan to walk to the bus stop where i usually took 190 home...im just missing you so much, so deeply...everything is not important but for u...i really miss you....i gathered up my courage to call u..but u were bz...i was happy to receive ur sms but u were bz...i wanted to hear your voice, but you were bz... i will wait, no matter how long, i will wait, for it's you...no1 but you...you are the one i yearn for, the one i truly loves, the one i can cry endlessly for, the one who meant everything to me n yet more...through these past few days, i had been reading through the black book i had kept record of wat we did last time...all those wonderful memories....

p/s: din meant to kept smsing you got reply a not..but i really got dc n dc...hope you wun get angry... my modem spoilt le...i typed the blog in ms word b4 publishing it...i took many times just to get this entry posted.

2005-08-23T22:54:00.000+08:00

i finally found out the ans... the ans i dreaded so much... it's like the end of world for me... i must let everything go now...from this moment on... i must not crack up as i once did... i had not been able to eat...not been able to sleep, thus resulting in the lack of lustre in my present appearance, colleagues had noticed the changes in my over past few months at work. they noticed my build shrinking, from 64kg to the present 55kg in juz 6 weeks. they enquired, but wat could i say? i just told them that im ok, hiding the fact that im in fact at all not ok... i had to put up fake smiles, pretended laughs at their jokes, its all so difficult. at last, a long last later, i broke down. i took my 2nd fag recently, it was terrible, hell it was really terrible, i can feel the polluted air suffocating n billowing into my red, once healthy lungs. i drank during the times i was supposed to be at tuition. every1 thought i attended tuitions when the fact is that yes i was in woodlands area, but at a corner in woodlands, drowning away the cold hard feelings. my life in a total mess. my job in a total mess. scolding virtually daily from superior, stating my job attitute is terrible recently, things do halfway, not concentrating. my brain poisoned, my life poisoned, i seemed more to be dead than living. i tried to keep out of her life, i tried n tried, but i failed. i had to see her one last time, but when i saw her, i cant let it go...i simply cant... how many endless nights i wet my pillow wif tears... endless night looking at things that are in black n white, my world seemed colourless. since she said her ex treat her well, i should be happy, i should let her go... but y cant i juz do it? was it because she's the 1st that i did everything with? she's the 1st i truly treated as a gf? she's the 1st ger i truly loves and m loving still? the world is tormenting me... i feel so so tortured... i did not even felt this way when my other ex left me, the one i so claimed i love a lot... it was only then, did i realised how much eunice meant to me, but it was all too late. i dun deserve to have her, or maybe i never ever deserved her in the 1st place, that's y the person she should be with is still her ex...i hate myself for still loving her at this bloody fucking junction... i hate love. i hate life. i hate everything. maybe i should just disappear. nothing i can do now, her heart has gone to tt person to keep for always. it's time to close this chapter of the book, and open another. i hope their story will be a happily ever after. i know her ex wun ever treat her the way i treated her. i will hate myself for doing this forever, but eunice, if one day u r single again, do tink of me, i will always be waiting for u, endlessly till the end of time n beyond. i really loves u.

2005-08-21T22:45:00.000+08:00

Cherish. It is a word usually reserved for wedding vows and love songs. But what does it really mean to cherish? Isn't just loving someone enough?

Cherishing a person means that you are so deeply connected that you feel their joy, feel their pain and become part of their experiences.

Cherishing someone you love forms a deep, intimate bond with that person. Their world becomes something in which you take a vested interest. Feeling cherished is something we all long to experience. It makes us feel valued and treasured. It's natural to want to feel cherished by the people you love because cherishing someone is an extension of our love.

It's often true that when you have really lost someone, then do you really learn to cherish him/her. But these kind of incidences always came too late, you will always be 25mins too late just like the lyrics of Micheal Learns to Rock's - 25 minutes. With being late, you can never ever turn back time for time and tide, waits for no man. the best thing we could do, is to look ahead into future, and wish each other all the best in their lives. it's sort of like the two of you walking hand in hand, and upon reaching a cross road, it's time to split up. from then onwards, your path is yours, be it be leading you towards the ray of hope and light, or be it be leading you towards the end of time. the choice lies in you and no one elses.

There are so many stories I still want to tell

There are so many I love you's left unsaid

There are many tears left uncried

There are many dreams left to fall apart

I miss our long talks

I miss the nights when all was alright

I love you like a sister, you were my angel,

Yet I wonder why you left me here to die

We were forever best friends-When one fell to the ground

The other one was there to help her back up.

We healed our broken hearts

With a hug and a gentle smile.

We stayed up every night looking at the stars,

Giggling like little girls and having midnight talks.

You said you had to go-I wished it wasn't so.

You said we'd always write.

You said it would be like old times.

I looked in your eyes as you looked into mine,

With smiles like everything was fine.

Yet we both knew well that this was our last good-bye.

We knew that we would never again

Have those long talks and play like little girls again.

We knew all the pain we'd cause ourselves.

I also knew that my angel was being taken away,

Yet we promised no matter what we'd remain forever best friends

Love is a worldly emotion, the goal all human seek, the prize that can make our lives complete. Love is both timeless and, in too many instances, transient. We all believe, if only because we must, that love can be found. Some of us - maybe most of us - have discovered it can also be lost.

When one loves completely, but the love is not returned, they must bestow a most painful gift. That of letting go. For if you love someone, you will do anything you can to make them happy.No matter how much it hurts.

Yesterday's goals, dim memories.

Dark saddened eyes, blurring with tears.

Painful scars borne; Love's history.

Futures crumble when doubt appears.

No brightly lit hope envisioned,

When following after harsh words.

Hurt soul splits in twain, partitioned.

Swooned by appeal - when numbness lured.

Apologies made, never bought.

Price paid turned out far too costly.

Though never known what would be wrought -

Must walk into the night softly.

One wish, only to be released.

Granted - now receive this token.

Words written in rhyme, love's deceased.

When promises made . . . were broken.

I duno noe the exact way of describing the emotions caged up in me, thus i have to express myself the best way i could - through poems.

Title: Bottled up emotions

it all seemed juz like yesterday, that i last held you,

it all seemed juz like yesterday, that i just bathed with you,

it all seemed juz like yesterday, that i just slept right beside you,

everything seemed like yesterday but that "everything" had taken a twist for the worst.

you have been in my thoughts, night and day

why cant i just washed them all away.

is it always so hard to forget someone?

or is it that i did not want to try for i know you are my destined one?

i knew i had done you many great wrongs

but it's human nature throughout life long.

i just wished that time could turn back

way back to the time when i can hug you without a care.

all i yearn for are mild hugs and kisses

for these little things have been wat i misses.

but i know that all is lost and gone,

for there is she, waiting for u so long.

Title: A secret affair

my mind in a whirl,
like a dog chasing its tail.
i took out my panasonic
and typed on it like a manic.
the words flowed smoothly out
for they had been in my brain round and about.
i penned a poem today
during the time when someone who had been delayed
the poem may seemed profound
but there in there, a meaning to sound.
but i guess all's over and done with
for there's another to be with.
by far that's the saddest poem i have written,
but i guess it was never meant to be opened
so i decided to leave it just like its title,
only to be in my MEMORIES.

2005-08-21T15:13:00.000+08:00

"Same Old Brand New You"

I can still remember the time you were there
When I needed to hold you, feel you
Everytime I ask you to find a new way
You lie a new way
Is it gone, gone, gone, gone, gone
You'll change
You'll never change
You're never never gonna keep your promises x 2
You said you'd change
But I'm afraid
It's something I won't live to see
It's seems so strange
That sometimes fate
Can appear to be so real
And yet turn out to be a fantasy
Same old line, one more time
Say you're gonna be, there for me
Say you'll change, change your ways
Never gonna keep your promises
Same old game ( Ben - You know it doesn't turn me on)
Brand new day (Ben - You're singing that same old song)
No more lies (Ben - If you don't wanna find me gone, gone, gone, gone, gone)
Another night, another day
What can I say
You're still the same old brand new you
You break your promises in two
What can I do
When you're the same old brand new you
You'll change, you'll never changeYou're never never gonna keep your promises x 2
Because of you, I guess we're through
Is this the way it has to beI've been a fool (Ben - I've been a fool)
A fool for you (Ben - A fool for you)
But I've got better things to do than let you walk all over me
Same old line, one more time
Say you're gonna be, there for me
Say you'll change, change your ways
Never gonna keep your promises
Same old game (Ben - You know it doesn't turn me on)
Brand new day (Ben - You're singing that same old song)
No more lies (Ben - If you don't wanna find me gone, gone, gone, gone, gone)
Another night, another day
What can I say
You're still the same old brand new you
You break your promises in two
What can I do
When you're the same old brand new you
I can still remember the time you were there
When I needed to hold you, feel you
Everytime I ask you to find a new way
You lie a new way
Is it gone, gone, gone, gone, gone(Instrumental break)
You'll change, you'll never change
You're never never gonna keep your promises x 2
Same old line, one more time
Say you're gonna be, there for me
Say you'll change, change your ways
Never gonna keep your promises
Same old game (Ben - You know it doesn't turn me on)
Brand new day (Ben - You're singing that same old song)
No more lies (Ben - If you don't wanna find me gone, gone, gone, gone, gone)
Another night, another day
What can I say
You're still the same old brand new you
You break your promises in two
What can I do
When you're still the same old brand new you
Another night, another day
What I can say
You break your promises in two
What can I do
Another night, another day
What I can say
You're still the same old brand new you
You break your promises in two
What can I do
You're still the same old brand new you

questions kept popping into my my mind, just like a dog chasing its tail...it's endless, incessantly popping up n gone n up n gone...it's tormenting me...argh....but wat can i do? what's there could be done? wat done can never be undone...all the bad bad things...all the happy happy things.... well..... all good things will eventually come to an end.... but is the end the ultimate end? only heaven knows, juz like the song lyrics of Rick Price's Heaven Knows "maybe my love will come back some day, only heaven knows maybe my heart blah blah tt part of the lyrics... so meaningful yet so hurtful....i have come to a conclusion, love is profound, it could never be understood... and it's always entwined with sadness... for if there's no sadnesss, there could never be love....

"someone once asked me this question:
If someday u were to find out that some elses is truly in love with your gf/bf, and he/she can treat him even better than you can, and you also knows that ur gf/bf has or used to have some feelings for that person, would you sacrifice yourself to let them be together?"

to some ppl...who had attained nirvana, the qn above will apply to them as in they r willing to do so, and they WILL be happy doing so.... to let the one they love to be with the one they hate...well it's pretty confusing...but i believe there's some true to it ba....

another theory is that, u dun feel happy for that someone is cos u still loves that some1 a lot? maybe this is also partially true? well im speaking these theories from my own point of view...
well perhaps i belong to the latter, im someone who always mouth hard heart soft ba...watever...one day i will get rid of this bad bad habit..keke..... believe in myself n i CAN DO IT YEAH!

short update of my life....
interview 2nd time at kk hospital...sucks manager no people relation at all..terrible....job scope seemed boring.... 1st interview at brecton dickinson medical at tuas is very nice...keke..hopefull can ge the job..my ideal job...can be promoted to microbiologist den senior microbiologist! yeah...tt's the only happy thing in my life so far...ever since the day my skies turned black n cloudy..keke...hopefull more good things will follow...

Another night another day,

What can i say?
i am the one who miss-es you!~

~~following the tune of "You're still the same old brand new you"~~~~

BTW, my qin ai de DANIEL WU YAN ZU got a new movie coming ouT!!! I WANT I WANT TO WATCH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

life is never a bed of roses

2005-07-10T13:17:00.000+08:00

ranting out my thoughts to no one in particular...

dreaming of things that may never come together...

in one's life there's meant to be up and downs

but why is it in my life there's so much sorrows for me to drown?

here i am, wishing for an angel from heaven to lighten my load

yet why is it after waiting so long, the angel, still fail to spoke

am i to continue waiting for the angel to appear?

or am i suppose to find the angel herself before she was to disappear?

at some point of time, our lives is bound to be filled with loneliness

but where is the you who will be there with me to share my void of emptiness?

all i asked is for the day - a day whereby the sun will shine again

a day where all the love and care will always remain...

my birthday

2005-06-18T21:43:00.000+08:00

You entered: 1/17/1985
You were born on a Thursdayunder the astrological sign Capricorn.
Your Life path number is 5.
The Julian calendar date of your birth is 2446082.5.
The golden number for 1985 is 10.
The epact number for 1985 is 8.
The year 1985 was not a leap year.
As of 6/18/2005 8:42:40 AM CDT
You are 20 years old.
You are 245 months old.
You are 1,065 weeks old.
You are 7,457 days old.
You are 178,976 hours old.
You are 10,738,602 minutes old.
You are 644,316,160 seconds old.
There are 213 days till your next birthday on which your cake will have 21 candles on it.
Those 21 candles produce 21 BTU's,or 5,292 calories of heat (that's only 5.2920 food Calories!) .
You can boil 2.40 US ounces of water with that many candles.

Your birthstone is Garnet
The Mystical properties of Garnet
Garnet is used as a power stone
Some lists consider these stones to be your birthstone.
(Birthstone lists come from Jewlers, Tibet, Ayurvedic Indian medicine, and other sources)
Emerald, Rose Quartz

Your birth tree is
Elm Tree, the noble-mindedness
Pleasant shape, tasteful clothes, modest demands, tends not forgive mistakes, cheerful, likes to lead but not to obey, honest and faithful partner, tends to a know-all-attitude and making decisions for others, noble-minded, generous, good sense of humour, practical.

There are 190 days till Christmas 2005!

The moon's phase on the day you were born was waning crescent.

Sitting on a garden bench

2005-06-11T18:19:00.000+08:00

Sitting on a side of a garden bench
Gazing up the empty skies
Listening to the rhythmic crashing of the waves
A sense of longing is building in me.

Sitting on a side of a garden bench,
Beautiful sights and sounds surrounded me
Attractive flowers coupled with their sweet scent
Bestowed onto me, a feeling of inner peace

Sitting on a side of a garden bench,
The soft sunlight shining on my body,
Commended me the feeling of being blithe
The gentle breeze caressing my cheeks,
Leaving me the feeling of true bliss.

Sitting on a side of a garden bench,
I took a long look along the coast
I sensed a deep and sudden quietness,
In the blink of an eye, everything had changed

Sitting on a side of a garden bench,
I couldn’t understand what had happened,
Nothing in life would always remain the same.
Evitable changes had taken place.

Sitting on a side of a garden bench,
Trying to trudge on ahead despite the changes
Proved to be a task too arduous
No matter what, I will do it.

xin xue lai chao n i wrote out this prose, think got many errors but nevertheless, what to do...so long no write le...m totally out of touch wif the humane world.

Working in Tan Tock Seng Hospital rheumatism, allergy and immunology coupled with the urology department proved to be a new insight for me... from there, I learnt multiple things which were never taught in the classrooms... my horizon were broaden, I have gained invaluable knowledge all these new experiences put me right on track for better employment in the near future… the nurses there were mostly nice and friendly except for a minority who are very artificial and lazy.

My favorite senior staff nurse is Agnes… from my 1st day of work till now, I found her to be very naggy in person but nevertheless, she goes all out to help you even though she will nagged at the problem for a while before lending her hand. She is the one the chose me (“as what the other staff so-called it as promoted me”) to be an urologist assistant. Out of the 4 of us trainees, I was the 1st to be assisting the doctors, 1st to man the whole entire reception counter alone. And I was also called to train the trainees on the counter jobs but staff nurses did not ask me to teach them the room assisting job and up to now, I don’t know why. I guess I got myself into the good books of the senior staff nurses and even the staff nurses and the manager of the patient service associates within a week of my working.

Finally, just last week, I was to assist a doctor all by myself w/o the help of others. Although the last patient took 1 hr to finish her consultation, and I cant claim the overtime, but nevertheless, I was able to claim time-off and proved that I am a reliable assistant thus Friday morning, I was posted to assist both room 17 and 18 at the same time thus I had to leave the partition door btw the rooms opened in order to assist both. Both doctors Andy Yeo and Wong Chun Jun are medical officers who had just graduated not long ago. They are both nicknamed the cutest and handsome doctors in the clinics… my working with them brought about slight jealousy btw the trainees but it soon passed and we are always joking about the doctors and another trainee whom we call “lao ren” having an affair hehe. den now the story changed, become trainee qiwei (lao ren) and trainee yijin have affair behind the doors everyday while lynnette and me man the main counter or i in the doc's room keke.... cos the 2 of them always da qin ma ciao in the room den when we bully qiwei, she always ask yijin to help her keke bleahz =p working in ttsh clinic b1b is fun with them girls around. n i kept calling a nurse monster behind her back cos she ask me to call ambulance for her but din tell me which aged home ambulance she wants me to call...den i went ask another nurse seeing tt idert nurse was very bz, den the stupid nurse told me NEXT TIME GOT THING DUNO U DUN ANYHOW GO ASK PPL! COME BACK TO ASK ME! i hated her already since the 1st week of work - basically, cos the head staff nurse ask her to train me to be a doctor's assistant mah...den in the room tt time, doc went out le left me n her she told me this "i train u hao le, den i got no job le lah" therefore, tt whole afternoon i din receive any training from her.... kaoz! den she always complaining bout things, juz last wk she told me work there the pay as compared to her previous pay, is like comparing tian n di! kns! den y not go back her previous company n work duhZ~ idert old monster! after she scolded me...machiam all the nurses there knew bout it within 1hr...den they all come n ask me " eh tt cockroach/glucosamine scolded u ah? dun care her lah....her work dun wan to do ask u help her u new here of cos duno wat ambulance she wans also....ignore her k she always lazy and eat snake 1." hahaha....den i realised that all the ppl there dun like her also...cos she thinks she very big or wat...duhz~ den now even the senior staff nurse knows i call her MONSTER! but she say i very daring cos she herself also dun dare call her monster....cockroach the most liao haha =x .... keke

In summary, my working life is fulfilling and enjoyable. But the bad part is, everyday I get home tired and thus always fall asleep very fast thereby not much time to read or do other things. But maybe it’s a blessing in disguise for I rather tire myself out than to spend waking hours in the bed deep in thoughts of issues that had come and go. ahhh monday working again...grrr keke but i will make the best out of everyday....live life to the fullest everyday (",)v

Poems

2005-04-13T00:34:00.000+08:00

To love is to share life together

to build special plans just for two

To work side by side

and then smile with pride

As one by one, dreams all come true.

To love is to help and encourage

with smiles and sincere words of praise

To take time to share

to listen and care

In tender, affectionate ways.

To love is to have someone special

one who you can always depend

To be there through the years

sharing laughter and tears

As a partner, a lover, a friend.

To love is to make special memories

of moments you love to recall

Of all the good things

that sharing life brings

Love is the greatest of all

Slow Tears
by Martini

I look up

as a tear rolls slowly

down my cheek

I think about better days

and wonder if I'll feel that way again

you look at me

with those eyes I know so well

always serious, so deep and insightful

as though you're always in control

But not today

not now

Now you look so scared

like for once you don't have the answer

I gaze at you

looking deep into those hazel eyes

Hoping to understand

why you've said those things you did

I wonder for a momentif this is all a dream

if I shall wake in the morning

and be relieved

you look at me

with a confusion I have never seen

slowly pull me towards you

and wipe the tears from my cheek

Broken Heart
by Crystal Holtz

I will never forget the days we once had

The days when you were everything to me

My mind used to tell me we'd be together forever

But now I realize that was all a big dream

The feelings I have for you will never go

I wish I could take back that one regretful day

The day when I willingly let you slide from my arms

Never did I think of the astonishing pain of regrets

That I would once have to live through

The sight of you in someone else's arms

Makes my heart shatter into a million pieces

I sometimes wonder if you still think of me

Or if to you, I'm just a face in the crowd

I wish so very much that one day we can have it all back

But for now, I'll sit here silently

Remembering all the memories we once shared

Everyday my love grows much stronger

Hoping that one day you will feel the same

And put back the pieces of my broken heart.

These are merely some poems which I found to be extremely meaningful... they truly brought back wonderful memories...

1 yr 6 mths juz over

2005-04-13T00:27:00.000+08:00

juz had 18mths over today...today was an ok day....went tuitions around woodlands area den went meet eunice n den bought old chang kee n breadtalk for us to eat cos juz got pay....den we went library borrow book... today raining so i took out umbrelLA omg i havent bring out the umbrella to dry yet brb! okie im back...... yah today took out umbrelLA to shelter her from the library to the mrt area.... den she went took 966 to change 26 home den i went for tuition... it was a nice day today... i juz had a new haircut...looks wierd i tink....well wat to do....muz haf a new hair cut for a new life wif my new eyes....misty grey eyes can put u unknowningly into a trance... so beware of my eyes... whahahhahaha oh yah she very lazy so long din blog le...grrr only noe how to sms wif her AL..... blehaz joking lah dun piak me hor hahaha

NAMES!!!

2005-04-13T00:15:00.000+08:00

Relate your Name using these alphabetical meaning to find out more about yourself...

E.g.....
E You are a very exciting person.
U You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
E You are a very exciting person.

A You can be very quiet when you have something on your mind.
B You are always cautious when it comes to meeting new people.
C You definitely have a partier side in you, don't be shy to show it.
D You have trouble trusting people.
E You are a very exciting person.
F Everyone loves you.
G You have excellent ways of viewing people.
H You are not judgmental.
I You are always smiling and making others smile.
J Jealously
K You like to try new things.
L Love is something you deeply believe in.
M Success comes easily to you.
N You like to work, but you always want a break.
O You are very open-minded.
P You are very friendly and understanding.
Q You are a hypocrite.
R You are a social butterfly.
S You are very broad-minded.
T You have an attitude, a big one.
U You feel like you have to equal up to people's standards.
V You have a very good physique and looks.
W You like your privacy.
X You never let people tell you what to do.
Y You cause a lot of trouble.
Z You're always fighting with someone

Last Day of ScHooL

2005-03-11T12:35:00.000+08:00

long tym no one came and visited this blog..
everyone is just so busy in life..
bb's exams are cuming..
hope she will work hard and do well for her exams..
as for mi, today is the last day of school for me le..
will be having a 6weeks break before i start my second semester..
duno wat i will be doing for the whole 6weeks..maybe go work..or maybe slack ard..
haha..life is just so boring..
will be meeting bb later at Woodlands..
if there is no changes we will be eating LJS..
Yesterdae saw on the tv tt ther is a new product on offer..
haha..shall go ther n see if it is nice..
mi nw gg for lunch le..shall update again when i have the tym ba..
bb..bb loves you worx..miss ya lots too..
-hugs and muacks for u-
Remember to study hard for ur exams kae..
have confident in urself and half a battle is won..

Last Day of ScHooL

2005-03-11T12:22:00.000+08:00

aiyo oh oh

2005-01-25T02:29:00.000+08:00

oh oh...very long time since i blog le... i more n more lazy liao...now having holidays...1st day of holidays n im plagued wif projects n more projects argh.... hmm... feels like skinning some sluts alive sia.... throw the face of women leh they all...haiz..but wat to do... sluts r juz simply - slutty .... always trying to gain credits in front of ppl, using unscruplous ways to get what they want...not leaving any routes for the person they aim left....

Webster's 1913 Dictionary Definition: \Slut\, n. [OE. slutte; cf. OD. slodde a slut, Icel.sl["o]ttr a heavy, loglike fellow, slota to droop.]1. An untidy woman; a slattern.Sluts are good enough to make a sloven's porridge.--Old Proverb.2. A servant girl; a drudge. [Obs.]Our little girl Susan is a most admirable slut, and pleases us mightly, doing more service than both the others. --Pepys.3. A female dog; a bitch.

they wan play dirty, i will feng pei them...we shall see who will be worse off in the end... always go tell stupid tales to teacher say no $$ pay sch fees den end up buy new 3G hp to haolian in sch....ring n ring in lectures...sooo irriating.... buay tahan sia... so wat if got latest hp model? duhz.... irriating eye sore... hope teacher/ ppl who approve their sch fee loans see them got soo much excess $$ buy hp, clothes,bags den scrap their loan off! haha den i will be laffing like mad there sia =x evil me..but wat to do.... slutty bitches.... even went drag the teacher onto their sides...kip say n say i din do anything.... ask me pass them the work i did which had been double checked to be perfectly alrite cept for some line spacing problem...but contents was hit right on the nail...duh....summore they can say "EVERYTHING is wrong! the contents is WRONG, layout is WRONG, EVERYTHING is wrong!!! GO and REDO everything"..went ask teacher teacher say nth wrong liao still dare say this kinda thing....den end up went tell another teacher marking the final work saying "she anyhow did her part, din follow instructions, ended up we had to redo everything again" it's juz sooo lame...den yet went ahead w/o my permission to change all the photos in my report and even refabricated my whole report out exactly the same cept photos diff n said it's them do wan.. - if juz by merely changing photos in the report to suit their stupid pinko eyes, to have every picture in their bloody report PINK, den i got nth to say...lamer.... report suppose to haf STANDARD and CLEAR photos instead of PINK photos... juz cos tt BIG FAT bitch loves PINK all the pictures muz be PINK duh~....den the other chapter...i wrote nicely for them already, ended up they dun wan use the chapter... saying everything irrelevant den they went n put "changing thecolor of the website to be another color, preferably pink, finding more links, making the website more cheerful" as their RECOMMENDATION of the project...duh....i put as "integrating a real-time live update system so that information will be updated faster and also to put a disabled mouse click for anti-spam/hacking on the website for the info are protected info" they tok rubbish n more rubbish...who bothers bout ur webpage be PINK in color or white color loh... who cares if the website has cute cute pictures a not...it's used by scientists who are practical and wan to get to the end of their research faster and not waste their time playing around your fanciful webbie.... bloody hell! moreoever my report was approved by the nus professor... argh.... hate suckers.... they juz love to go office and sell stationeries to sell in yahoo auction n in class.....fuckers...ruining the image of TP students if found out sia...haiz..even went there to PRINT out the whole set of lecture notes for biomechanics and binded it there den went to sch sell 1 copy for $5.... reli cant take it man...den kip say n say ppl..tt ppl very fat lah.."wah lau tt ger soooo fat!! how can she pei her tall and handsome bf...muz be tt guy blind sia...she juz sit on the seat in the bus den he sure no space liao sia" "he stand wif his gf machiam like the num 1 and 0" " wah seh...tt ger so pretty, her bf sooo ugly...so not compatiable man.... that ger muz be either blind or she lost virgin to that guy or wat tt y bo bian" "eeeyea...she always wear the same jeans to sch wan...duno issit so poor til cant afford to buy jeans" >>> these kinda sentences i hear til very very SIANZ liao... tt y i dun BOTHER to talk to them at all...n also dun bother to listen to their craps...so childish......n they always saying tt jas hor...so childish wan lehz....say a bit also cannot... we muz be mature mah....19++ liao lehz.... next time i hear them say this line again..i will reli splash a glass of water on their face if there is water available... say me childish.... say eunice childish.... bloody hell! they soooo MATURE den wun act til like tt liao....

today the Si bei bitch SBB call me on the hp : "hello.... jas ah.... i now at NUS lehz....last wk hor i kip trying to catch you but u kip disappearing away after the tests lehz...tt y i cant tell u.... nus ppl ask us to return our keys n cards to them okie...muz rmm to go back nus return the keys to them ... oh yah..also muz rmm to clear your cupboard there ah......" she say something like tt in a very very very ERXIN tone..machiam like seducing ppl like tt...bth..den my mama see my face as i listen to the phone den after tt she ask me y i look so disgusted den i told her cecilia called n her voice very erxin.... den she try act gd also when i asked her gotten the testimonial from professor liao anot n also took back her log book from prof yet den she said "havent lehz....i havent see him today lehz.... but i told latha to sms tell him today our last day there liao lehz... n also wat log book? latha say dun nid to hand in the log book to him leh...how come u hand in leh? huh...latha say muz hand in den we ask her she say dun nid leh...aiyo...dun care her lah...latha say things always half half wan.... stupid idert teacher lai de...useless teacher.... ......... ok lah... you remmmmmeeebbeeer to go back nus clear your cupboard and return the keys n cards okie? muz take gd care of yourself hor... byebye!! c u in sch soon!" argh..listening to her 5 mins speech makes my hair all stand sia.... machiam i duno how to take care of myself like tt nid her remind me...yucks! tink when eunice see this she sure wan puke wan hahah =x opps i tink i nid to go bed liao..tml meeting bb go CYCLING N MOVIE!!! yay!! tml i reli muz distress sia.... cant stand this kinda ppl in tp much longer...luckily gg grad soon liao..keke .... today received a letter from ntu...introducing the courses available there...hehe....hope can get into uni...hopefully NUS....if not den NTU loh...last last resort got SIM biomedical engineering ba haha .... =x okok i very naggy liao..tink too long din blog/tok to ppl liao.....kept to myself most of the times in sch haha cos dun feel like talking.... muz concentrate in my studies! i MUST go uni....after tt be a teacher if possible... if not , go work in the biopolis! haha blehaz...or maybe biopolis le den decide wan be teacher a not hehe =) gd nite to all..... take care those reading this naggy bloggie.... huggiez for bb!! mizz ya!

wat's wrong mahx..

2005-01-15T22:54:00.000+08:00

lalala

2005-01-02T01:54:00.000+08:00

haha bleahz! kuku kuku!!! biong biong! jumpz around...im home n im relaxed!! today went safra mount faber 1st time wif my new NEW membership card! hehe..so nice nice there!! keke but not as nice as yishun safra lah....keke today after sooooo many mths of not swimming sooo many laps, i finally swam 35laps! phew! tis can be deemed a gd improvement for this out-of-touch swimmer/lifesaver...pengz...for usually during training sessions, we have to swim at least 50 laps minimum keke.... well wat to say...i so long nia train liaoz...today she not bad sia..can swim 20 laps! =x keke...gd gd improvement wor...her strokes also improved slightly though she still can start from lane 2 swim till end at lane 4 lah... =x keke..but not bad le lah....hmm...her speed also improved a bit..stamina also a bit better....the pool actually is 50m long if im not wrong, cos i pulled 30 times b4 i needed to turn mah....so should be around 50m...not wat eunice think it is that the pool length is shorter haha bleahz...den after that went bathe in the nice nice shower room..keke.... den went take cab to suntec to eat pizza hut...the STAR pizza hor..so TERRIBLE sia...machiam like EATING SALT loh...EEEYEA! den summore the stupid STARRY BITES changed into ONION RINGS! ARGH!!! WASTE MY $34.60 eat so nan chi de food! n they din even tell us the starry bites dun haf liao...if not i wun haf ordered that stupid pizza le....hmph.... den after that went walked around carrefour...den went level 3 or 4 the old courts there to sit down den study my BIOMECHANICS! ARGH!! HATE FORCES! HATE ACCELERATION!! HATE VELOCITY, DISPLACEMENT, SPEED TIME GRAPHS! HATE LATERAL, SAGITTAL, FRONTAL, TRANVERSE, FLEXION, SUPINATION n many more! all so chim!!! HATE THE BONE NAMES - wat carpals, metacarpals, ileum, clavicle, sternum, humerus, ulna, skull, nasal, tarsals, metatarsals, radius, pubic, pelvic, hip hmph ... den stil got so many more to memorize den muz noe their joints also! haiz....next wk got 3 terrible tests! duno how to get full marks le lah....biostatistics terrible! food hygiene lecture all tok tok tok bout bacteria n so on..so boring confusing wan lehz..... the only consolation i haf in the last wk of december is that i got back my food hygiene quiz 1 n i got 20/20 keke...den my medical imaging test should be able to get full marks ba...or at least 19/20! hmph....i muz win those bitching SLUTS! they win me in $$( cos bf sponsor = sluts) and also new presents but so wat! my results beta means my future brighter! hmph shall do wat im supposed to do den no1 can BACKSTAB me....bloody suckers....tell n tell n complain n complain to teachers....if cant do the work den share lah...dun nid to BAO DAO WAN wan loh....say wan to do everything yet complain say i din help, i did the poster n flyer liao stil not happy, kns, den rate me lousy low for my grp member review....fuckers! haiz...luckily bb always by my side n tell me reasoning, dun get angry wif them n so on... always siding wif me... thanks for living wif me thru all these hard times, thanks for bearing wif my nonsense n erractic emotions....haiz...thanks for everything....hugs...miss n love u lotsa.... btw bb u should reli try lose some wgt ah...beta for ur health...ltr ur legs one day will not substain ur wgt le k...den u might get sick n so on..so u muz EXERCISE MORE!!! LOSE WGT NOT EQUAL TO DUN EAT HOR! U JUZ GO N SWIM MORE CAN LIAO OK! UNDERSTAND?! hahaha bleahz shall end here le...she muz be wondering how come i not replying her in the msn... =x cham...bye bye take care every1 reading this blog!

A poem dedicated to all the victims of the devastating tsunami, may god lead you all to paradise...

God looked down on your body,

So tired from hanging on,

From a life that was overwhelming you,

And wanted back His son.

So he took away the air you breathe,

And gave you what was best,A

place to be at peace,

A final place to rest.

A poem dedicated to all those who had lost their loved ones in the tsunami...

The caring prayers, the shaking shock -

This awful news my world did rock.

No one knew how it happened or why.

We were all so sad; it made me cry.

How unfair it should have happened now -

Won't someone ever tell me how?

Their tears had dried, their pain had healed;

And God chose this time for their lifes to yield.

It's later now, while we've moved on -

We will miss them as though they had just gone.

We'll never forget all the good they did,

Even though, to their our farewells we've bid.

We love them still, we miss them yet;

And on this I'll forever bet.

If they are truly in our hearts,

From us they'll never be truly apart.

in tp nw..lalalala

2004-12-22T16:36:00.000+08:00

here i am in tp library using its computer to surf the net and at the same time waiting for my bb to finish her sch.. and in the meantime also waiting for that meijin to come back from her lunch wif her boyfriend..haha..came to bb's sch at ard 1..den went tampines to have our lunch..decide to eat the cafe cartel set lunch..but after we had a seat and wanted to place our order..that person told her the set lunches sold out already..sianz 1/2 le..so we order other food to eat..bb ate pork ribs..den i eat grilled dory fish..haha eat till the both of us all so full lohx..haha..den after eating we went to walk ard tm and cs..bb wanted to but the belt i wan for mi de..but every 77th street i go also sold out le..haha everyone jux got the same taste as mi..lalala wat to do..haha..great minds tink alike..haha..nw i m looking for a nike SB..haha yellow in color..veri striking de color but very nice..hehe..duno wat tym my bb finish ur tutorial..haha..haf been trying to sign in the the toopid msn..but bb sch library veri lousy wan..cannot sign in..lalala..haha..dun care le..doubt anyone will be online at tis times..coz all my beloved friends all start sch le..
haha long tym since i last touch my pretty little blog..haha..hope my grps of friends are doing great at their own sch..tink projects and their tight timetsble is killing them.. ppl dun gif up worx..hehe u all can de..miss u all lotsa..especially those times we have together in sch..haha..those troubles we have created..those tears and joy we once shared..these are all things that could not be found in poly life..maybe to some of u u might not tink so..but too mi..those precious times we had tgt are times that could nia be find in poly life..but wat to do..growing up is part and puzzle of our life..meeting new people..working wif new people..are jux part of daily life..haha..we will meet up real soon i hope..lala..den tt will be the time we gossip agn..haha..lalala..i am in their library for one hour le..but i haben see anione i noe lehx..lalala..tink my bb ending her tutorial soon..lalala.yeah!!

do u consider what i sae before doing the things u wan..

2004-11-18T08:49:00.000+08:00

in sch nw..hafing enterprise lesson..
sumtimes i think that what i say my bb dun listen de..
bb i dun lk 6 packs..
i duno whu gif u the idea of eating med..
or wat gif u the idea of eating the med..
all i wan tell u is u should think more carefully..
before u decide on eating that med ba..
haiz..6 packs so er xin lohx..
i tink i dun understand u anymore..
and nw i reli can sae the distance between us is getting wider..
coz i dun even noe wat u r doing..
and wat suddenly u haf the idea of going to eat tt med..
nothing to say le..u read le..den reply mi back..
went watch ab-normal beauty..
hehe a nice show..
not even scary at all...
haha..i wan watch taxi..hehe..
comedy show..can luff till pengz..
haf not been feeling well..but i haf recover already..hehe..
not fully recovered..oni left cough nia..
love and miss ya my beloved bb lotsa..
-hugs and muacks-
take good care worx..

sunday

2004-11-14T15:21:00.000+08:00

frmo monday to thursday i was in msia...hehe spent a lot of $$ ate a lot of food n especially icecreams!!!!!!!!! ahaha fat fat me le.....today hehe..me stayed home again as on friday too, actually wan go meet her wan...den hor...duno y i juz told her i not feeling very well she say very mafan to meet...den sat den meet ... she suddenly became soo understanding le...it came to me as a shock...well sat i ask her n she told me wat happened, though i still not sure as to y she suddenly changed cept she dun wan argue anymore...hmm...beta dun hurt her anymore....im guilty n sick of hurting ppl le.... den yesterday went swimming at redhill...luckily din rain much hehe....looks like god reli wans us to swim n burn off some fats...cos i getting damn fat nowadays...gorging my face into any food i can find...sianz..duno y lk tt...im always hungry....ate a lot of food le im still hungry....haiz....den mama kept controlling me dun let me eat tis n tt...den go out wif bb she also say cant eat so much....every1 saying im fat....hmph....den after swimming we went lunch den went her hse hehe....slept wif her yesterday....damn shiok ahz....so long le since we last slept tgt... =x lalala....u all dun anyhow think...slept = sleep nia k...not tt kinda things hor.... den after tt dinner we went suntec eat....erm...actually is milenia walk there eat cos suntec sooooo crowded...den we went home...yesterday was a nice nice nice day hehe....no quarrel, happy moments hehe.... she went duno wat island to eat seafood today...she is sick...haiz...worried for her...muz be yesterday she dun wan cover blanket tt y today like tt...haiz...my fault...hope she will get okok faster...miss n love her lotsas...hugs n muacks!

jux a dae..

2004-11-11T18:32:00.000+08:00

long tym since i last blogged..
she went off to malaysia le..and will be back soon..
duno wat tym she will reach singapore..
she nia sae when i msg her..aniwae her bus was delayed..
tis few daes haf jux been normal days..nothing much happen..
but i tink thru alot..tings abt mi n her..
haben being doing much tings..slacking ard and laying on the bed n rotting away..
hope she enjoyed herself there ba..
had test on wed..which is yesterdae..whaha..
not veri ez..neither was it difficult..
tml haf to go sch agn..as usual..suppose to have tests tml..
but the sch decided to postponed the test..
better still..dun nid wake up early to rush to sch..
feeling veri lethagic..duno why..
haha..i wan go cut and dye my hair..
lalala...shall ask my mama to sponsor mi..lalalala..
shall go rebond my hair agn..hehe..
shall decide wat hairstyle to cut and wat color to dye..
haha shall highlight it also..
oh yah..i wan go n book my theory lesson..hehe..
den shall ask mama if she wan sponsor mi go for practical..
stephanie already started her circuit drive le.. -jealous-
haiz..no one wan pei mi go..lalala..
sound lk i m toking to myself..
haha but whu cares..my blog aniwae..no shld sae is OUR blog..
whahaa..lets see wat tym she msg mi and tell mi she reached singapore le..
aniwae also duno wat to say le.. shall continue to lie on the bed n rot away..
-bb since u hafing diaheorra rmm to drink more water and take good care of urself-
-miss ya-
-hugs and muacks-

yummy

2004-11-07T01:44:00.000+08:00

yesterday went meet bb even though at 1st cant make it de hehe.... i muz meet her against all odds cos she needs something from me hehe...den after tt we went Big'O' to eat the icecream & cheese cakes hehe...eat till can die...so sweet n cheesy eekkk hehe...den after tt we went taka food court to let bb eat lunch hehe cos i already ate wif mama le...den after tt bb and i hang around taka area until 7.30pm den we took bus to P.S for im meeting my aunty and cousin there to have dinner and to catch a late night movie....caught the hilarious princess diaries 2 hehe...so funny tt show hehe ... den after tt raining heavily le...aunt sent me home hehe...den i so angry...i sms bb so many smses she din reply me wan lehz...duno wat she doing hmph! den 1.50am she sms me i reply her at 2am i sms her she 4am den reply me hmph...den made me wait so long for her to reply....den i got the sms le...i go n sleep hmph....den today wakey...go her hse hehe...had fun there =x hehe...so sianz this time we both kena period almost same day sia haha.... watched shrek 2 at her hse den play game hehe...den after tt i went home le..cos she gg party hehe....haiz..so fast new wk im gg overseas le...den soon sch reopening le...haizzz.....dread gg to sch..cos i dun wan see those bitches...so cheapo...go bf hse haf sex liao den get $50...erxin loh...worst than those category A $150 / hr prostitute at geylang duh~ cheapo gers...bth.... bb...i will miss u lots...i loves u lots hehe... feel like hug hug u noe den ahemahem wor haha...=x glad to noe u had a fun day today hehe =)

cramp cramp n more cramp

2004-11-05T10:57:00.000+08:00

mi nw in sch..whahaha...hehe
and my stomach damn pain manz..
bb still slping..
bb gg to leave singapore and throw mi in singapore along AGAIN..
hehe..she gg off to genting and kuala lumpor le..
she gg for a week..and i will be left alone by her..hehe..
hehe aniwae she also not scare i will go tou qing wan..
ask her : "u not scare i go tou qing ar"
den she sae : "not scare..scare for wat"
she so confident that i wun..
aniwae hope there wun rain..den she can enjoy herself..
hehe..as long as she is happy den it will be worth the money..
as well as my time waiting for her..hehe..
the next tym i shall go n throw her in alone in singapore..hehe..
but she will always sae i noe u bu se de wan..
so sure will ask her go de..
tings was not gd for us aniwae..
had dinner at a restuarant named big 'O'
bb pay de..haben thank her for the treat..
shall thank her here..
bb thank you..ai si ni le..-muacks-
todae bring bb to eat big 'O' de cake..
hope she will lk it..
i need to find a job..i m broke..anione got lobang..
in sch nw..need to search for information..but i cannot find the things i wan..
shall continue searching..and den later can meet bb le..yeah..
yesterdae supposed to go swimming wif bb..
in the end rain so heavily..so nia swim..
den wanted to go westmall and watch the doll master..
den in the end the movie got brought fwd..so westmall dun haf..
den decide to go prince/jade and watch..
den they also dun haf..
in the end went suntec and watch..
hehe..
the whole day, we took so mani bus ride lohx..
whahahaha..in the end finally watch the show le..
not scary..n the ending is touching..
den after that went carrefour and walk walk..
bb bought her scallop to bring home and eat..
den walk to the bus stop together..
not in the mood to blog aniting nw..
and no more ice-cream today..

true love

2004-11-02T01:30:00.000+08:00

Love is so very special
Yet can make you feel so lost
It can arrive just like the springtime
And melt away like morning frost
You must find ways to nurture
Always grow your love with care
Never ever take for granted
The love that you both share
Mistakes are bound to happen
You may hurt each other's heart
Yet don't give up to easily
It will tear your love apart
Love resembles a bright flame
That lights a dark starry night
Never ever let this flame burn down
Rekindle with all your might
Take a moment every day
Look deep into each other's eyes
Never hesitate to show affection
Small gestures will keep a love alive
Talk openly about your feelings
Take time to show that you care
Treasure each and every moment
Because to find true love is rare
- Connie Thomas Lugo -

happy happy day

2004-11-01T23:41:00.000+08:00

today is a happy happy day! but like all happy things, it started off with a sad thing... today morning i had a terrible nitemare, i dreamt that my bb was lost forever... it started off wif she being very very sick till nth can help her anymore, sobz, den after tt, we went to a place, a house on a cliff facing the sea, den she spent her last days there...we were sitting n talking on the grass patch outside our hse facing the sea...den suddenly the color in her face changed, i knew her end was nearing,and before she caught her last breath, she told me, i muz not do anything, for that's the way she wanted everything to be... she dropped her body over the cliff edge, i couldnt do anything, i juz sat there, tears couring down my cheeks, den after i calmed down a little, i raced down the cliff road to the beach, to find her body to bring back to her parents. despite my searchings,she couldnt be found, my search was fruitless. den suddenly, a very strong feeling overcame me...i could feel it in my very soul, that she had been transformed into a scallop...cos from where she dropped down, she should have been landing at the patch of scallop grounding....thus i went there, and gathered all the scallops i could find in hope that maybe one of them is her... with that, i ran all the way to her mother's shop, a fishmonger stall in the wet market. i told her bout wat had happened. but as i was telling her, some1 mistook my pail of scallops to be for sale n was bz opening each scallop to inspect the meat in it... when i came to realise it, i tried to stopped her, but i was too late, she opened one last scallop in the pail, i snatched the scallop out from her hands like an wild animal and to my utmost horror i saw the tiny little almost cant be seen piece of meat in the shell, the scallop seems to have juz been form, not too long ago from the size of it too. the grief that overcame me at tt moment was too much, so deep that it couldnt be put into words, no1 can ever understand that kinda feeling unless they felt as though a part of their life had been cruelly torn away from them, a part of their body had been tortured endlessly on, it's worst than stabbing urself with thousands of knives... the pain was - unbearable... as i held onto the scallop shell, i could feel that it was her...as if to confirm my feelings tt it was her....a tinge of blood seems to move out n disperse in the water around the meat...at that particular moment, my entire world seemed to have fallen apart...Still hanging onto the scallop, I dropped to my knees and started pounding the ground with my fist as if it would alleviate the agony in my heart. With Eunice thousands of kilometers away in some unknown reign, we would be like the opposites ends of an enormous rainbow, never be able to see each other again. with my endless flow of tears, my agonizing heart was worse, i kept asking her crying mother, y? y did she haf to go n leave me alone? y did she left w/o a word? y? y is heaven so unfair? y y y? thousands of WHYS went thru my mind, at that moment, life seemed unfair to us, y did this kinda things have to happen? i kept forcing myself awake all thru the dream, but it was fruitless, den suddenly at 8.44am i finally pulled myself out of the horrible nitemare, i opened my phone n saw her smses, but still feeling uncertain, i smsed her and reassured my fears. i waited kinda long for her sms, was about to call her, when suddenly the sms came in. phew, i breathed a sign of relief. Tears soaked my bedding and still more welled up. i duno y i kept crying....i duno is the fear of my nitemare or was it the relief...till now...every min i tink of this nitemare, tears still welled up in my eyes... is she more dependent on me or m i more dependent on her... now i noe, it's the latter...i had been wrong to say she was always the one tt's always dependent on me....i shouldnt have ever treated her bad....now den i noe, how much she reli meant to me, how much i cant be w/o her...I had been selfish. The trouble with selfishness was that, in the end, you lost all the people were close to you. Either they left you or you abandoned them. If this went on an on, you would wind up completely alone....

Life is a gift. We don’t get to choose if we’ll be born. Or when or who our parents will be. We just get to be alive. That’s God’s gift to us. How we live our lives is our gift to others. When a newborn baby dies, do you think it hurts his family any less as he was only a few hours old?”

~oceansurf~

2004-10-25T01:16:00.000+08:00

"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."
-Kaleel Jamison

Once my heart was captured, reason was shown the door, deliberately and with a sort of frantic joy. I accepted everything, I believed everything, without struggle, without suffering, without regret, without false shame. How can one blush for what one adores?

TINKING N THINKING EVERYDAY...STUPID ME

2004-10-16T03:16:00.000+08:00

I THINK OF YOU,
AS EACH DAY PASSES ON
I ASK GOD TO REPAIR OUR RELATIONSHIP
JUST WHERE IT WENT WRONG.

I'VE CRIED SO MANY TEARS
AND CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP,
THE MEMORIES I HAVE OF YOU,
THOSE I'LL ALWAYS KEEP.

I HAVE ASKED GOD TO SHOW ME,
JUST WHAT I NEED TO DO,
TO GRANT ME THE PATIENCE, 'TIL
HE BRINGS ME BACK TO YOU

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH,
I CAN'T EVEN DESCRIBE
BUT LIFE WITHOUT YOU
WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME.

I KNOW I'VE DONE MANY WRONG THINGS.
I KNOW I MADE YOU CRY AND CRY,
BUT, BAOBEI, PLEASE FORGIVE ME
AND PLEASE DON'T SAY GOOD-BYE.

~USELESS BAOBAO DA BEN DAN~

Please forgive me...pls...haizzz

2004-10-16T03:11:00.000+08:00

You tell me not to feel so sad,
But then I go and cry.
You tell me, “keep your chin up”
But I feel like I could die.

The worst day of my life
Was when I made that choice.
I need to feel you hold me,
I need to hear your voice.

Can you hear me softly calling?
Can you taste my sour tears?
Do you know how much I love you?
Do you know my biggest fears?

I’m afraid you still don’t love me,
I’m afraid you won’t return.
I’m afraid to show my feelings,
I have this inner burn...

The inferno of my sadness,
They are the fires of death.
They burn here deep within me,
And pierce my every breath.

I wish you would stay with me,
Please, don’t go away.
I need to know you love me,
And I need for you to stay.

I’ll love you for eternity,
I’ll love you for all time.
Just stay forever in my arms,
Again... just, please, be mine.

Now I know you’re gone for good,
And never coming back.
Now I see I’ve been replaced,
You haven’t lost your knack.

You always could move on so fast,
It crippled me to see.
You could always turn around,
And walk away from me.

You turned back only once to say,
“I will be back, don’t cry.”
You took away my heart and soul,
And now... I fear I’ll die.

You need to come back to me, dear.
I need to hear you say,
“I told you I’d be back sometime,
I’ve loved you till today.”

please forgive me

2004-10-16T03:08:00.000+08:00

It still feels like our first night together
Feels like the first kiss and
It's gettin' better baby
No one can better this
I'm still hold on and you're still the one
The first time our eyes met it's the same feelin' I get
Only feels much stronger and I wanna love ya longer
You still turn the fire on

So If you're feelin' lonely.. don't
You're the only one I'd ever want
I only wanna make it good
So if I love ya a little more than I should

Please forgive me I know not what I do
Please forgive me I can't stop lovin' you
Don't deny me

This pain I'm going through
Please forgive me
If I need ya like I do
Please believe me
Every word I say is true
Please forgive me I can't stop loving you
Still feels like our best times are together
Feels like the first touch

We're still gettin' closer baby
Can't get close enough I'm still holdin' on
You're still number one I remember the smell of your skin
I remember everything
I remember all your moves
I remember you
I remember the nights ya know I still do

One thing I'm sure of
Is the way we make love
And the one thing I depend on
Is for us to stay strong
With every word and every breath I'm prayin'
That's why I'm sayin'...

fucked up

2004-10-16T02:39:00.000+08:00

im a terribly liar...i cant lie properly even if i wanted to...haiz... i juz helped someone bout 1 yr ago...to pose as the gf...den i dare not tell her...for the greatest fear was she breaking up with me... that's y i tell white lies, but who noes, white lies r so hurting at times that they can bring a person to change from love to hatred for the other, i noe she hates me to the core, her every word, every sentence, were filled with disappointment, sadness, hurt n anger n exasperation. how i wished i could turn back time, back to december last yr, n told her all bout helping my back then "buddy" the plan, at tt time a particular joseph was chasing after angel, den she hates tt joseph as much as i hate her...and there was another jo call sophia the real name. den angel was very distressed over that, den since she found out i hate joseph cos last time tt joseph tried to get fresh wif me b4 lah and den she asked me gang up wif her to pretend to be lovers to turn tt jo off....but at the mean time, sophia, her bro, loves her also... den the only way was for me to pretend to be her lover, den write mushy disgusting messages for joseph has her acc..den when joseph read le...den she will get jealous or hate us or wat..den she will back off. den this sophia who loves her sis, but her sis loves another person who dun loves her at all...so angel muz pretend to be my gf so that sophia will be the person who tries to break us up den joseph will also hate us n ignore her... so duno y...my job was juz to write letters to her in the email using the topics she asked me to write around... i din even tok to her on phone b4...much less see her b4...den after the stupid plan succeed, she din contact me anymore...wat a fucking buddy...haiz...juz like another kelvin, leo or other buddy i had..make use of me...haiz... den it's like... i duno how to tell her..cos i m very scared...ltr she noe...she will dun wan me... cos i can write tt kinda things to ppl.... but seldom to her... all those things said in the emails were untrue... ... i noe, to ask for forgiveness is too much a thing. i m in no position to ask for anything at all... im broken her trust once n again... i knew i had been too selfish... too busybody, too coward, i should haf told her the truth right from the start, but the fear of losing her is greater than i could bear, so i kept mum. i knew i shouldnt, yet i did. i consulted my buddy ah ma, she told me the dire consequences tt i will lose her...so i believed n din say a word out..but how i regretted... tis is a lesson i will learn. i will not keep things...no matter wat it is ... i muz say it out...n face the consequences, cos it's always more hurtful if the person finds out the truth herself... im so brainless...im not a gd liar yet i lied....all my lies could be easily see thru....yet i tot i could kip it down...haiz

bloody hell myself

2004-10-16T02:08:00.000+08:00

We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives...
Truly loving another means letting go of all expectations. It means full acceptance, even celebration of another's personhood...
We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly...

it has been a long time since i last blogged, today went tuition again..before tt went met bb at her sch to return the stupid cds that cant be burnt...duh den after tt we went take, she gave me a surprise by bringing me to eat the volcano ramen at ajisen taka branch...the noodle very the spicy ahz...got a whole mount of chilli on top...for the 1st time, i heard her say "ze ge mian hen la ah". btw us, she is the one tt can always eat n eat n eat chilli yet dun feel hot wan...den i was kinda shocked...well she kinda long din eat chilli le...cos of her stomach, think her stomach got problem, everyday lau sai n lau sai.... den together wif the ramen, we had prawn rolls, fishcake and mayo prawns. they were nice, cept the fishcake a bit hard n salty...den we drank ice lemon tea. today, finally after a long time, we had a long long chat, w/o quarreling, we talked bout her frenz, my mama n dad arguing, her sch stuffs, her teacher's joke bout refilling the diesal instead of unleaded petrol at the petrol kiosk. den after tt we went carrefour, she bought a can of tako balls for me n also bread for my mama. den we went breadtalk, i bought a long bacon n cheese bread, a fiery floss bread n a ham n cheese bread. den after tt went take bus to b.panjang b4 changing bus to wdls n frmo wdls change bus to tuition place. it was very sweet of her to pei me take 190 all the way to b.panjang den she changed 960 home but she overslept n took all the way to marina -hehe zhu zhu ah- but it's ok lah...i can see she's tired...shouldnt haf let her accompany...i was very selfish today =( den she reached home at about the time i ended my tuition lesson. (sorry ah)

den after tuition i called her tok tok for a while b4 i got up the 2nd bus...den on b4 boarding 3rd bus i called her to chat again...hope my phone calls not very fan ahz... hehe though ex is ex...but...muz haf sacrifices to haf happiness mah....

den at nite...trouble starts setting in...everytime, in the msn we sure cant talk properly, we had to argue....there's mountainous problems between us...n there's only ONE way to solve everything...n tis way is me... my farking decision is highly important. haiz...im juz a liar ba...

life is entwined with lies

2004-10-12T14:37:00.000+08:00

Don't ever lie
to that special person,
it will catch up with you.

I told a lie
and now it's on my mind,
I might have hurt someone
I really like a lot.

Don't ever tell a lie to someone special.
When she found out,
I hurt her and hurt myself.

To whom I'm talking to,
please forgive me
and give me another chance,
I would like to make you my bb
and my pet's mummy

Don't lie to someone special to you,
I made a little lie,
but it's on my mind,
because you found out
before I told you.

touched after reading what you have prepared for mi..

2004-10-12T08:51:00.000+08:00

Baobei,
thanx for completing the story exactly on the 12th October..
i was touched when i read the story n tears nearly roll down my cheeks..
no matter how many times u r asking mi..i will still gif u the same answer..
Jasmine Chan Shiyu, i m sincerely willing to spend my life with you thru happiness and sorrow, thru weaknesses and strengths, for better or for worse, i will love u..
no matter what happen i will still be by your side..n i wun leave you alone..

Finally, Our one year anniversary have come..
In this one year, we have been thru lots of happiness and sorrow..hurt and love..
However, each tym we face a test, we managed to pull thru together not leaving anione behind..tym aren't good for us nw..n i noe u noe tat too..
our attitude towards each other nwadays is bad..n our tolerance for each other is wearing thin..i duno what will happen to us..but all i wan tell u is no matter what happen i will be by ur side till the veri sec u decide to gif up on the relationship..We are two person with different thinking and interests..
and we are together for a long tym..i believe that for us to be together from the start till nw is cox miracles has taken place..lk u say when we believe in miracles, it will happen..

i want wish u happy one year anniversary..
i love u n i noe i always will..
and i noe that u too will always love mi..
i dun ever wan put an end to our relationship..
our relationship will put thru all tests and obstacles..
thanks for all the memories and happy times u have bring for mi till nw..
and i noe there will be more to cum..
love ya lotsa..
miss ya lotsa..
-hugs and muacks-

Happy Anniversary!!!

2004-10-12T03:50:00.000+08:00

Happy Anniversary

Today marks our anniversary;
Another year gone by.
Another year for the two of us;
Another year of “You and I.”

I must tell you how I feel;
As another month has passed
I hope from deep within my heart;
That we will never part.

With every month that passes by;
I feel more close to you.
And in my heart I can feel;
Your love’s forever true.

Know that I will always feel;
The way I feel today.
Happy with the choice I made;
In every single way

So on this day we celebrate;
The day we sealed our love.
And declared to spend our lives as one;
To all, and God above.

from baobao

Cinderella and Prince Charming

2004-10-12T03:49:00.000+08:00

A Pair of Star-crossed Lovers
Who Later Became
Cinderella & Prince Charming…

Her gentle hands warmed my very soul,
Her loving eyes penetrated my flirtatious heart and made it whole.
Her dazzling smiles froze my mind with only thoughts of her,
Her luscious lips left me weak and yearning for more.
The gentle strokes of her hand runs electric shocks through my body,
The snuggling together makes me feel so loved, so cozy.

On Wednesday, March 12 2003, at 22:30:34 hours, I met a sweet, cheerful girl with a dazzling smile in the IRC. We exchanged phone numbers as in she gave me her home number for her hand phone had been confiscated by her teacher for a week as she had forgotten to turn it to silent and it had unfortunately beeped in class. Thus she used her mother’s hand phone to message me that night until she fell asleep. We chatted into the wee hours of the morning of Thursday, March 13 2003, 01:26:03 hours.

On Thursday, March 13 2003, 23:13:54 hours, I was being greeted with a cheery “arlOe” in the IRC. That day, by surprise, she had gotten her hand phone back from her teacher earlier than the expected “confiscated duration” for her teacher would be going overseas later that week. That night, we had actually planned to chat on the phone, but due to unpredicted circumstances, fate did not decree us to chat. All our previous reservations of what could we chat about was superfluous. I think I chatted far too long on the line with some other person till she fell asleep. For I finally replied her in the IRC at 2:15am but there was not any reply. I waited for her online until Friday, March 14, 2003, 03:14:12 hours before I finally decided to closed the conversation window to go to bed. To say the truth, at that time, I was kind of distress, for I had actually wanted to talk to her and find out more about this adorable little gullible girl, whom till then, I had never even seen before or talked on the phone before, and she could actually even gave me two of her house numbers (namely her room’s line and her computer table’s line), her mother’s hand phone number and also her own hand phone number. She had failed to think of the dire consequences if I was a baddie. What would have happened to her? This, only heaven would know, for I am not a baddie. =)

Friday, March 15, 2003, at about 9.30pm. We made an informal and un-confirmed meeting at Boat Quay. That day, I finally had the chance to unmask the face of the person whom I had been chatting to online for the past two nights. At first, I called her to tell her that I had reached, albeit we were standing just about 10 meters apart, our search for each other were proven to be futile due to the Friday night’s crowd. I was frantically sweeping my eyes through the crowd of girls and all of a sudden, it was as though a spotlight was being shone on her. At long last, I saw her, standing within group of girls. She could effortlessly be distinguished out from the rest of them for she was the only one talking on the phone in that group. In addition, that night, she seemed so attractive, totally indescribable. Clad in a magnificent white blouse and a charming blue skirt, they seem to bring out the colors in her cheeks, thus, making her look stunningly radiant and incandescent. Standing by the riverside, we kept asking each other to come over to our side. I dare not go over to her, for I was too shy to. The reason she did not came over, was mostly due to the gargantuan group of friends I had around me. Thus, both being hesitant to going over to the other, this drew an end to our first meeting.

After that fateful day, I did not even contact her at all, and even callously deleted her number from my hand phone. I thought that she had found me detestable for she did not even message me ever since that day we met at Boat Quay. That, as a result, concluded a close to phase one of our friendship.

Sunday, 12 October 2003 at 23:04:26 hours, with a stroke of fate, heaven decree us to meet yet again. We common chatted for a while in the IRC, then at 23:17 hours, I asked for her name, then upon knowing that I am called “Jassy”, she asked if we had ever chatted before but I was uncertain. Yet, the moment she told me that we even met up before, a tiny part of my memory seemed to trigger some sensory response and memories of that night at Boat Quay was rigged up. I vaguely remembered how she looked like and even what she wore that night. Surprisingly, she even told me that she remembered for she still had my hand phone number in her phonebook. All along, she has my number, yet she did not dare to message me, for fear of me having forgotten her… but alas, no matter what happens, fate will always brings a couple together…

That particular night would always be a night that I will never forget. That night, by some miracle, I ended up being her “darling” after we chatted and flirted around a bit online… she even commented that I was such a big present for her Birthday… but hey, who knows, later towards the end of the month, I really became her real darling… Yes, there can be miracles, when you believe…

Monday, 27 October 2003, 12:45 hours was the second time we met up. And this time round, we met alone at Tampanies Mrt Station Control. There’s only US and we went to catch a Chinese movie entitled “The Park 3D” at Century Square Shopping Center. We were given a pair of 3D glasses that we both found it to be so embarrassing to be used thus we did not put them on. We sat on seats B1 and B2 of Cinema 2 and our seats were located on left hand most side of the cinema. Before the movie started, she was busy messaging away to her friends about me I guess and there I was, trying to gain her attention by keep poking and tickling her. But once the movie started, she paid attention to the movie, and at different intervals of the movie, I could see that she was frightened for she was covering her eyes though she insisted that it wasn’t THAT scary. During the movie, she held onto my hand, for they had been freezing cold. Well, what could be a better match – a pair of freezing hands with a pair of warm and gentle hands to provide warmth! Towards the end of the movie, she hugged onto me; I think it was due to the slightly scarier ending maybe? Hehe or she just taking a chance to get close to me? Who knows? Hmm, but recently, she just admitted the truth to me… it was the latter hehe…

After the movie, while on our way back to the bus terminal, as we were crossing the junction between Tampanies Mall and the MRT station, the timid me saw numerous cars passing by and got scared and held onto her hand… she neither reject nor let go even after we successfully crossed the road, thus I took the advantage to held her all the way to her bus 67 queue. =x Just before her bus came, I delivered a hug to her, a hug that I had promised her as her Birthday present. That hug was filled with warmth and good wishes for her… After she got onto the bus, to say the truth, I was slightly sad to see her go off, but she had to study for her O’ levels and I had another appointment to rush to. So, that brought an end to our second meeting, but deep within my very heart, I just got a tingling feeling that there would be numerous more meetings ahead - and I was right.

Wednesday, 29 October 2003, I realized that I had truly fallen head over heels in love for this mild mannered and shy (yet crude at times) girl. I finally puckered up the courage to ask for her hand. I was to shy to ask her through the phone or face-to-face, thus I did it in a message. “Erm, I want to ask you something important, you willing to be my gf a not?” Finally, after a long and anticipated wait, with my heart pumping like an overly exerted engine, my hand phone beeped. I was torn between anxiousness and dread of reading the message for the fear of rejection was overtaking me. But no matter what the outcome were to be, I knew I had no choice, everything is destined. The fear of rejection is worse than the rejection itself, so against all odds, I opened and read that message. To my utmost delight, she accepted me. Memories of that night would remain etched in my heart for a long time to come.
Saturday November 22, 2003, we met at Douby Gaut Mrt Station Bus stop. After that, we proceeded to GV Plaza Cineplex located on the sixth floor of Plaza Singapura to catch a Korean horror flick “Wishing Stairs”. Our seats were C01 and C02 located in Cinema 3. Upon receiving our payment for the tickets, she kept asking me how come we always get seats 01 and 02 but not 03… well I guess is because 03 will always be left empty beside us to give us some “quality couple time together”.
At first during the show, we just sat side by side just like two normal friends catching a movie together… but who knows… suddenly at some point of the show, she suddenly turned to deliver the peck on the cheek which she had had owed me. But under unforeseen circumstances, or maybe a stint created by heaven, I just happened to turn around to face her actually wanting to ask her something, and her peck ended up as a French kiss.
That powerful and sensuous kiss seemed to have cast a spell on me, a sudden rush of electricity gushed through my entire body. Suddenly, I felt as though I was on fire. My heart was pumping so loud that I was fearful of her hearing it and laughing at my innocence. That very kiss, made me realized that I had met the person of my life, the person whom I had always been waiting for, the person whom I want to spend the rest of my life with, the person whom, I can share all my happiness and sorrows with. Yes - she is the one. The one whom I will in time learn to cherish, love and care for, and whom I hope will likewise do the same to me.
For the past few weeks, she has been asking me “who am I to you?” I sincerely hoped that those words above would answer your doubts… You, Tay Shiau Wei Eunice, is someone whom I have entrusted my life, happiness and sorrow to. You are someone who meant the world to me though I may not show out my feelings to you at times. You, ultimately is my one and only love. With you, once again, I would like to ask you, are you sincerely willing to spend your life with me, through weakness and strength, happiness and sorrow, for better or for worse, you will love me?
Friday, December 26, 2003. It is Boxing Day, yet she had to go to work. On that particular day, it was her first day of work at Tampanies Mall Mini Toons outlet. After ganging up with my buddy Joanne, I called her to tell her that I wouldn’t be going down to find her at Tampanies for it was too long a distance for me to travel all the way from northwest to east Singapore. But, that was only the cover-up plan in case she smells a rat. After meeting Joanne, she accompanied me to Tampanies Mall’s Breadtalk Bakery and also Four Leaves Bakery to get a couple of fanciful bread for her. I remembered she told me she love to eat green capsicum before, thus I searched high and low for a bread with capsicum on it. Finally, my search for the green capsicum bread was fruitful; I managed to locate pizza bread with some green capsicum on it at Four Leaves. Together with the pizza bread, I chose teriyaki chicken bread for her too, for I was afraid that she wouldn’t have time to eat later that evening if the shop got crowded and busy.
Then, as part two of the surprise, I told her that Joanne and I would be leaving to Parkway Parade to play pool and after dinner I would message her on my way home. After playing pool with Joanne, I took bus number 15 back from parkway and reached Tampanies Mall at around 10pm, which should had been the time she would be ending work. But to my shock, she was still working. Since I didn’t want to disrupt her from her work, I quietly stood behind a huge pillar to prevent her from seeing me while at the same time, I was able to observe the serious side of her working.
But the longer I stood there and looked at her, the deeper the stab in my heart, at some point of time, my poor heart seemed to have been ad infinitum being stabbed at by a newly, polished dagger. That pain that were inflicted emotionally in my heart could never erase those feelings I had at that time. How could that brainless and mentally perverted manager kept asking her to sweep and mop the floor. She, who never had to lift a single finger in doing housework, actually had to help that pathetic idiot to clean the floor? At that moment, I had actually wanted to barge into that sickening shop and dragged her out of there, but the timid me, held back, and also at the same time, I didn’t wanted her to know of my existence. I was afraid that she would feel embarrassed to let me see her doing those kinds of jobs. And at the same time, I could also see that she doesn’t really know how to use the mop or broom. But, in life, we learn new things through experiences, so, I let her finished her job no matter how tough it was.
Finally, at 11.26pm, the shutters of that shop were pushed up, and a tired and sweaty her emerged. She still did not noticed of my existence, thus, I walked up to her. And when she finally saw me, she clung onto me. Her very hug made me understood everything. No words were needed, it was a moment of pure telepathy, and we understood each other’s thoughts and feelings. Knowing she was thirsty, we went to the Macdonald’s outlet at the interchange and got her an ice lemon tea. After that, we went to look at the signboard for the bus number 67 which would bring her home. But to our disappointment, the last bus had left at 11.30pm. As a result, we walked to the bus stop opposite the stadium to rest her poor legs. As we sat, she ate the bread I bought for her earlier on and drank the lemon tea. Then she called her mother to complain about the job and also to inform her that she had ended work. We waited for quite a while before we hailed a cab to send her home. That night, those feelings – a mixture of sadness and anger and hurt, were something I had never ever felt before. Thus, this further confirmed, of my feelings towards her.
Saturday, 14 February 2004, it’s Valentine’s Day, and she had to work that night at Cosy Bay, a restaurant pub located along a stretch of Kallang River. That afternoon, I went to fetch her from her house, then after that we went to catch the “Last Samurai” at Shaw Tower Prince/Jade cinema. After the movie, we went to Far East Plaza to Bits and Pieces to buy a pair of couple ring, and I also got her a small pretty bouquet of pink roses. Then, all good things come to an end, I sent her to Cosy Bay in a cab before I took bus home again.
Those were some very memorable times that I have had with her, and I hope that there were to be many more of such times ahead (minus away those sad days of course). Throughout our one year together, there had been numerous up and downs, arguments and made up, hurt and sorrow, misunderstandings and lies. I sincerely hope that the new year ahead would bring us greater joys that last, forever love between us, and also, good health, fewer squabble and more fortunes to fall on us!
And that was how a story started, a story that I don’t ever want it to have an ending...I want it to be a never-ending story – of US.

Less Than 24 hrs to bdae!!!

2004-10-11T10:28:00.000+08:00

Todae is the 8th day..
2 more daes and it would be the 10th day..
for the past 7th daes it had been the second happiest tym i haf wif baobao..
although we are not as happy as those tyms we had in the past..
hope tings would remain the same after the 10th day ba..

Yesterdae baobao gif mi a surprise by cuming to my hse without messaging mi to say she's cuming..Until i call her to ask her wher is she..den she tell mi she reaching my hse already..hehe..so nice of her..-smilez-
she bought a box of merci for mi as my bdae presents..
she gave mi so mani pressie on my bdae and our one yr anniversary..
no one can ever replace my baobao in my heart..
baobao, baobei love you!!
after that i saw the story she typed for mi despite her being busy wif her work..
will post the story up when it is really..hehe..
after tat we went to orchard to have our dinner..hehe..
ate LJS..and the workers de attitude sux lohx..whaha
after that we went taka to walk walk..
hehe went to try a new korean ice cream..
they make the ice-cream on the spot..
we ordered mango mixed with strawberry..
the ice-cream not sweet de..n can sense the fruit..hehe..
nice nice worx..-winkz-
after that we went world of sports and then went to buy a vcd for my cousin baby..
hehe den send baobao to her bus stop and waited for her to get up the bus den i walk to my bus stop..hehe walked a big round cox i took the wrong stairs..haha
-blur mi-
hehe..love my baobao..miss my baobao..-hugs n muacks for baobao-

*picture at merlion will be updated later*

a day at the sentosa..

2004-10-10T14:06:00.000+08:00

yesterdae (09 Oct), supposed to meet baobao at bugis at 2pm..
but baobao was late..in the end we met up at 2.15pm..den went to buy some sparkles..
and a party popper..searched for candles in tat shop but dun haf..
after tat we make our way to cold storage and bought a box of candles..
after buying the candles..den we decide to take train to outram den to harbourfront..
at first wanted to take bus..but we tink it will be veri long..so took train..
went to eat at harbourfront hawker centre..both of us ate lor mee..hehe..
and drink sugarcane drink..hehe..den off we go to take the bus to sentosa...hehe..
after reaching we took the blue line to the cable car stop..hehe..
den we walked thru the dragon nature walk..hehe to a mountain..
haha..so scary coz baobao sae got snake den scared the snake cum n bite mi..
but we still managed to make our way up ther..the scene there was veri beautiful..
n is so windy but lotsa of mosquitos..hehe..
ate bread n tidbits ther..played wif candles, sparkles and the party popper..
haha we din noe how to play the party popper at first..
so we just anyhow turn..whaha..and managed to make it work a few times but not as beautiful as the first tym..whaha..took photos of the scenery and the mess created by the party popper..hehe..
left tat place ard 6pm..den we went to the merlion..took lotsa of photo at the merlion..hehe..inside nw change le but the mouth and head not much difference..
we were given 2 coins that can be slot into a machine which will produce a card that sae u win a mystery gift..haha..we oni change one of it..coz we tink the coin is much nicer..hehe..so we got one gift and a coin..
did sumting veri toopid at the head of the merlion..i mistaken a camera for a binocular..
and i put my eye right infront of the camera..i tink the people in the room muz be laughing till their head drops..whaha..
after the merlion we went to palawan beach..hehe played candles and sparkles ther..
baobao made a heart-shaped out of the sparkles..and we took fotos of it..ppl whu wan see the fotos..it will be up soon..hehe..den took monorail to the visitor's arrival centre..hehe..and took the bus back..went to harbourfront centre de mcdonald to eat..hehe..
we ate 20 pcs nuggets and a med lemon lime juice.. the lemon lime juice not nice de..
dun even haf the lemon taste..whahaa..left the place around 9plus and we went home le..
we finally talked over our meal..and managed to see her laugh agn..haha..it is a good ting i guess..these few daes haf been are nice..without quarrel..whaha n i noe the 10days will be up soon..duno wat will happen after that..
i hate people whu kip tings from mi..so baobao dun ever kip tings from mi anymore..coz i noe everiting tat u kip from mi..i m not stupid..if u reli kip tings from mi, i duno wat will happened next..
baobao:
get tings rmm to sae..dun kip tings..
thanks for ur treat to the Merlion..
and thanks for the tings u do for mi..
love ya..
miss ya..
-hugs-
-muacks-
take good care..

**hehe 2 more days to my bdae and i will be 18** lalalalala~

feel lk blogging..

2004-10-05T22:27:00.000+08:00

a long tym since i stepped into tis blog..
shall blog for us..
many many tings happened from oct 1 till today..
we had many quarrels and arguements..
things are not reli solved yet..
i duno how long i will be able to take it..
let's pray n hope it will b long..

todae meet her at bugis and i was late for 15mins *sorry*
we went eat yoshinoya..
after we decided on a seat..
She find a wallet on it..
Intending to keep it when no one come and claimed it back..
however, not long later sumone came back for the wallet..
so proud of my baobao coz she is so nice to return it to that girl..
Baobao have done sumting nice.. -muacks-
den we went buy takopachi and eat..
*yumyum* nice nice worx..
den we went to the bencoolen shopping centre..
Baobao went there to get a watch for me for my birthday pressie..
the watch veri nice..hehe..love it alot..
but Baobao dun lk so we din get the same de.. =(
den we went OG to walk walk..
show lotsa of t-shirt..
wanted to buy one bum t-shirt for baobao..
but in the end baobao dun wan..
den we went OG de outside there got sell kueh..
and we bought 3 boxes of kueh..
one box mi and baobao share b4 we board the bus..
oh yah..i pei her take 960 to pasir panjang..
den baobao take 187 go for her tuition..
and i take 960 back to bugis to change bus home agn..
change 7 back home..
baobao finishes tuition at 9.30pm and got her pay..
hehe happy for her..
think tis entry abit long lehx..hehe..

Baobao:
Baobei love you!!
Will not leave you no matter what happens!!
Baobei misses you also!!
Dun like so mani ppl to love you!! hehe..
Hugs Baobao!!
Muacks Baobao!!

I am sorry

2004-10-01T14:54:00.000+08:00

I am sorry
this is a poem for you...hope that u reli can forgive me...
haiz...i m forever so selfish n dun put myself in ppl's shoes....sorry darling...pls forgive me...pls pls pls??? =(

I hope that you can find a way;
inside your loving heart.
To forgive the hurt that i have caused;
that made us drift apart.

I was foolish i'll admit;
and acted without thought.
And never realised what i did;
And the pain that i had wrought.

I know that i was selfish;
and should have thought of you.
And the consequences I now face;
And what i have to do.

So please accept my apology;
As it comes straight from my heart.
All I ask is one more chance;
For us a brand new start...

sad story of love

2004-09-22T14:48:00.000+08:00

http://www.cabucojuice.com/sad.html hehe i found tis nice nice story online a long long time ago...for those who are sentimental n also haf time to read it.. u r highly encouraged to go to read it... it's very touching...can cry wan ah... hmmm today gg see lantern...duno nice a nt...entry fee damn stupid... predicted is $9 juz to go in see lanterns? duno y she wan go also ahah..muz be cos meeting her online frenz... a 31 yr old A call chris...duh... tt chris nt bad looking from the photo she show me lah... hmmm... duno character ok a nt de ahaha.... den she say today muz wear tt pink teeshirt..den last nite i haf to go n iron it myself cos mother was watching tv...duh...hmmm now stil waiting for her to come and pei me eat lunch n she sooo long le stil nt here...i dying of starvation le hahaha....

SAD STORY OF LOVE

This is the sad story of love; a story which will be repeated for as long as time's crystalline ball exists, until this crystal ball collides with a planet or star from another time or age and breaks. Or perhaps time will eventually swell up with these recurring tragic stories and explode, filling up its vast expanse. And when time's vessel runs over with affection, is filled with an overflow of repressed feelings and cries of loneliness, its crystalline wall will crack... but each love story will surely survive in the scattered shards of this crystal ball, thereby refreshing time for awhile. Perhaps a day will come when eternity and all created and uncreated things will become nothing but the crystalline particles of time, containing the seed of love - the sad story of love. What a time that will be for lovers sleeping in the bubble of time, an age of stories whose endings are not so very predictable.

The woman is known to many people, so telling a story or mentioning her name will not change anything. She was the woman who would write her life in her stories. And the man whose existence or lack of existence is the same because nobody knows him. How did they meet each other... that is not important either. When a story is being formed, it will find its way: finding a job, reading a story or publishing it. It doesn't make any difference...

She was a simple woman. Her mind was compatible with her tongue and her heart. Her words exactly reflected her thoughts and her feelings. When it came to loving someone, she did not believe in time. She was always in love, not like those who are in love one moment and out of it the next ... Thus, when she saw the man for the first time, she said, "You are handsome. Let's be friends... I feel very lonely."

The man, unkempt and unshaven, was sitting across the table. With a little smile on his face, he was staring at the woman. The way the woman was acting and behaving had convinced the man that she was nothing but a child and he could make a novelist of her.

The man had read the woman's stories and was pretending that he was interested in her works. He was talking to her about the things that he was expected to say without mentioning a word about love. The woman had realized that she could make the man her own if she wrote good stories.

Days passed. The man had managed to keep that little smile on his face -- the smile that could leave everything suspended in the air. The woman had remained the same as she always was. She would walk in the room, turn the books and the library upside down, put all the papers on the desk, take them away and put them back on the desk again...

The woman was restless in every step that she took and every word that she uttered. One day after she had made a big mess, she sat face to face with the man and said, "Give me your hand and let me tell you your fortune." The man said, "Leave it for the time when you've become a writer." The woman said, "But I need your hand to touch me on the head." "Why?" the man asked, smiling.

The woman answered, "I would like you to touch my head gently with your hand."

The man laughed and said, "You're crazy." He did not give her his hand.

I am writing this story very quickly because I am afraid that somebody may come and sit on that chair next to the window, stare at me and ask, "How far along are you?" I am writing this story without letting anybody see it. And I would not like anyone to see it before I reach the end of it. I do not even name the locations in the story because mentioning the names of places, cities and buildings not only takes time, which I do not have at all, but also resolves no issues. It is enough to know that all these events are taking place within the crystal ball of time.

And time, for a woman like her -- a woman who was looking for someone to love her-- was just time. She could see no difference between seconds and years. Everywhere she was, she would try to squeeze the essence of time in order to reach a moment when she could see nobody but that 'someone' as a man and herself as a woman.

Thus, she began working. She seemed to seek the help of her own existence to give life to her words. It seemed that the words were becoming detached from every particle of her body and soul. She kept writing; one story after another, every story a romantic one. And there was the man who would read the stories and shake his head as a sign of satisfaction with his own task.

Sometimes the woman would read the story which she had just completed to the man. Then, she would say, "I'm tired. Let's go for a walk."

The man would nod, smiling and the woman would realize that the time when she could be seen with the man in public had not yet come. The woman could understand that there was a distance between her and the man; she would doubt her work and would go back to reading and writing.

Time was passing and the books authored by the woman were being published one after another. The man was spending all of his time reading her books and every day he was paying more and more attention to her or, to tell the truth, to the female character of her stories. The man would go to her room and sit by her and she would talk about everything that she could think of. For a long time, she had made no sense when she was talking, and everyday her speech was becoming more and more unclear -- so unclear that the man could not tell the difference between her and the female character of her stories. The woman kept repeating, "Do you love me?" And the man would always laugh and ask, "How much of the story have you written?"

And the woman would suddenly realize what the man expected of her; she would get hold of herself and show the callus caused by the pen on her finger. And the man would say, "That's hard work..." And the woman would keep on working.

How long did it take until changes gradually appeared in the woman's body and soul? The woman, who was always focusing her attention on the door to see the man coming in to read her stories, was now afraid lest someone should come and bend over the pages filled with her stories.

Time was never important in the woman's life. If a seed, a seed of love, was sown, nothing could uproot it, but the man could see little by little that the woman was not showing any interest. If he called her, she would turn her head towards him very slowly as though lost in what she was writing. The woman's look no longer had the same loving radiance, the same childlike enthusiasm. On the contrary, the female character of her story had sparkling eyes and an amorous look and was acting with more and more childlike enthusiasm.

And the man would read the stories everyday before and after they were published. The more he read them, the better he could understand the woman -- the woman who could feel her own skin and blood in her stories.

The man would play music for the woman to encourage her to write more and to make her go on creating a romantic atmosphere in her stories. And in order to compensate for the lethargic movement of her head and neck, he would make fruit juices for her and attend to her food. But the woman was not paying any attention to the man's affections; she was just writing. And one day when the man asked her, "Are you tired? Let's go for a walk," she replied in a weak voice with a fixed and unclear look on her face, "I can't. I'm busy." She didn't go out with him.

She would not pay attention to the critique of her stories in literary journals either; the journals were competing with each other to write about her. She would not even know how many copies of her books were being published. She would not react to the man's enthusiasm either -- the man who would stand before her with a newspaper in his hand. The woman's movements were becoming slower and slower everyday.

And one day when the man woke up, he laughed alone. He had never laughed like this before, especially when he was by himself. He had a strange feeling; he could remember the woman's sense of humor, her childlike actions and behavior and the question which she used to ask repeatedly: "Are you in love with me?"

The man was singing by himself and being dragged towards the woman. He finally reached a flower shop, bought a bouquet of flowers and went to see the woman. The woman was busy writing as usual. She seemed to be writing the last sentence of a story. It was only her hand that was moving; her body, like a statue made of stone, was far away from everything, even time. Her whole body seemed to have turned to a single hand -- a hand that was writing hastily. The man put the flowers that he had brought her in the vase and placed the vase before her. She did not look at it. She was gazing at what she was writing so intensely that she did not even bat an eyelid. She seemed to have reached the last sentence; the man saw her putting a period at the end of the last sentence. Her hand had remained motionless on the page. The man slowly pulled the papers from under her hand. He read the title of the story: 'The Sad Story of Love' and laughed. He tapped the woman on the shoulder, looked at her face and suddenly grew still. She was no longer 'the woman'; she had turned to a fossil -- a fossil of words. To be sure, the man touched her on the shoulder and , all of a sudden, she broke down into small pieces and thousands of words were scattered all over. And the man saw these, among thousands of words: "You're very handsome... Let's become friends... I'm very lonely!"

meaningful song

2004-09-22T14:45:00.000+08:00

This is a meaningful song lyrics which i have came across... the song is sang by jay chou... hehe recently i find his songs nice nice ... duno y last time i dun reli like him..duh... ~ocean~

????? ?????

???? ?????
he bin gong yuan/wo men jian bing jian
At the riverside park/With our shoulders side by side

??????? ????????
cao di luu de tai xian yan/shuo bu chu kou na ju zai jian
The grass is too intense a green/Unable to say the words goodbye

??? ????????
xiang yi bian/chu lian de gan jue yi zou yuan
Upon reflecting/That feeling of first love has gone far away

????? ?????
wo men dou kan jian/jie ju zai gai bian
We witness/The outcome changing

???? ?????
he bin gong yuan/wo men jiang shou qian
At the riverside park/With our hands held together

??????? ????????
tai guo xing fu de xia tian/bu shi he shuo na ju zai jian
Too happy a summer day/Not suitable to say the words goodbye

??? ????????
ni de lian/dao ying zai he an de shui mian
Your face/Mirrored upon the water at the river bank

???? ?????(??)
wo cai fa xian/ai yi bei ge qian (bu jian)
Then I notice/Love has been stranded (It has disappeared)

????? ?????
tang zhu kan lan tian/ni zai wo you bian
Lie down gazing at the blue sky/With you on my right

????? ?????
bu zai qu zheng bian/shei dui shei kui qian
No longer arguing/Who is owing to whom

????????? ??????
zai e luan shi bu dao de an bian/ni di zhu tou chou yan
At the cobblestone path by the river bank/With your head down, smoking

????????? ??????
zhi shi an jing de ting wo man yuan/bu zai pei zhu xiao lian
Only listening to my grumbles in silence/No longer consoling me with your smiley face

??????????????
wo jiang wo zi ji fan suo zai fang jian che ye wei mian
I lock myself up in the room, sleepless through the whole night

????????????????
dang shou zhong de feng zheng yi jing dou duan le xian yue piao yue yuan
When the kite in hand has broken its string and is floating further and further away

??????? ????
wo bu zai hui tou qu jian/na duan cong qian
I will not return again to pick up/That part of the past

??????
jie shou ni de bao qian
Your apology is accepted

hOpe tings will improve..

2004-09-22T13:27:00.000+08:00

alot of tings happen recently..we broke up n end up together agn..
although tings are not settled yet..but i believe she will do it after she recovered from her sickness..
we went thru alot..lots n lots of test..but we are still together..
from the veri start i noe we are of different characters..even our interest are not really the same..and it is a miracle that we had gone thru many n many mths together..although i duno wat is being lay infront of us..the oni tink i hope would be our love for each other would not fade and we will haf many more mths ahead..

she is bz nw..hehe ke lian de ta..but nvm..will be seeing her later..
and we are wearing the pinky shirt we bought..hehe..
tink we will look cute..lalalala..
and we will b gg to chinese garden with a grp of people we dun reli noe..hehe..
hope it wun rain..n it will be fun..hehe..wif her wif mi sure fun de..

to everyone in sec 5.1:
ppl when r we meeting agn..miss ya guys..take good care yah..all the best to those re-taking their 'O'.. rmm to study hard and dun gif up..

love dear lotsa..miss dear lotsa..
-hugs n muacks-

Back Pain

2004-09-22T01:00:00.000+08:00

argh...back aching for past 9 days non stop that the pain is so acute tt it's enuff to force me to wake up...grrr....the area btw my shoulder blades every night cramped up or duno wat .... so painful loh....muz be tt time jumped over tt kukubird candle during the 7th mth den become lk tt le grrrr....at least now okok le...or maybe is cos i too long din train le... usually i last time train at least once a week...den now also grew very fat le...put on bout 7kg in total...duh...simply am a big fat oinkoink sia wahaha....every1 saying i look fat n well i M fat...cos i DID grew fat wahaha....hmmm...bad pain sux whahaa...

btw, eunice got a big big blister on her thumb...so huge lehz..lk balloon lk tt sia...den hor she went clip it wif the nail clipper..den now the blister gone..she cut the skin away..den become exposed red skin...lk red cherry lk tt hehehe....so ke lian sia her... sayang.... now she so good on holidays sia...do wat she wan also can..no lk me..work work work everyday in an office filled wif pissed up n arrogant selfish ppl...shit those 2 bitches lahz..big deal wif their idiotic attitude...so wat if they r $$ now...duh..lamers

Upper and Middle Back Pain
Pain in the upper or mid back can come from trigger points in the muscles of the back itself, naturally enough. These muscles include the erector spinae, multifidi, trapezius, infraspinatus, subscapularis, serratus posterior superior, rhomboids, latissimus dorsi and serratus posterior inferior.

If that long list of Latinized muscle names doesn't make a big enough puzzle, it gets even more complicated when the pain is significantly displaced in the upper and middle back. Here are a few examples:

Trigger points in the scalene muscles of the front and side of your neck can generate a constant irritating ache between your shoulder blades in your upper back. Very few people know that this is one of the very most common causes of back pain.

A trigger point in the serratus anterior muscle under your arm can cause a persistent middle back ache at the lower tip of your shoulder blade that even a trigger point expert can overlook.

Trigger points in the upper part of your rectus abdominis (stomach) muscle can be responsible for a band of pain across your mid back that will elude the best physicians, osteopaths and chiropractors. No kind of therapy applied to the back itself will relieve this pain.

Quotes of Life

2004-09-21T15:04:00.000+08:00

A Soulmate

A soulmate is someone who has locks that fit our keys, and keys to fit our locks. When we feel safe enough to open the locks, our truest selves step out and we can be completely and honestly who we are; we can be loved for who we are and not for who we're pretending to be. Each unveils the best part of the other. No matter what else goes wrong around us, with that one person we're safe in our own paradise. Our soulmate is someone who shares our deepest longings, our sense of direction. When we're two balloons, and together our direction is up, chances are we've found the right person. Our soulmate is the one who makes life come to life.

Richard Bach

wat the fuck

2004-09-19T14:55:00.000+08:00

A fatal misunderstanding and the person who love me the most in this world is gone forever.

This is a true story, taken from "Family" (dictated by LD, edited by LSX, translated by SaFe).

Cruel misunderstandings one after another disrupted the blissful footsteps to our family. Our original intend of having Mother enjoy some quiet and peaceful moments in her remaining years with us went terribly wrong as destiny's secret is finally revealed at a price, every thing became too late.

Just two years after our marriage, hubby brought up the idea of asking Mother to move from the rural hometown and spend her remaining years with us. Hubby's father passed away while he was still very young. Mother endured much hardship and struggled all on her own to provide for him, see him through to a university degree. You could say that she suffered a great deal and did everything you could expect of a woman to bring hubby to where he is today. I immediately agreed and started packing the spare room, which has a balcony facing the South to let her enjoy the sunshine and plant some greenery. Hubby stood in the bright room, and suddenly just picked me up and started spinning round and round. As I begged him to put me down, he said: "Lets go fetch mother." Hubby is tall and big sized and I love to rest on his chest and enjoy the feeling that he could pick me up at any moment put the tiny me into his pockets. Whenever we have an argument and both refuses to back down, he would pick me up and spin me over his head continuously until I surrender and beg for mercy. I became addicted to this kind of panic-joy feeli ng.

Mother brought along her countryside habits and lifestyle with her. For example; I am so used to buying flowers to decorate the living room, she could not stand it and would comment: "I do not know how you young people spend your money, why do you buy flowers for? You also can't eat the flowers!" I smiled and said: "Mum, with flowers in the house, our mood will also become better." Mother continues to grumble away, and hubby smiled: "Mum, this is a city-people's habit; slowly you will get use to it."

Mother stopped saying anything. But every time thereafter, whenever I came home with flowers, she would ask me how much it costs. I told her and she would shake her head and express displeasure. Sometimes, when I come home with lots of shopping bags, she would ask each and every item how much they cost, I would tell her honestly and she would get even more upset about it. Hubby playfully pinched my nose and said: "You little fool, just don't tell her the full price of everything would solve it." There begins the friction to our otherwise happy lifestyle.

Mother hates it most when hubby wakes up early to prepare the breakfast. In your view, how could the man of the house cook for the wife? At the breakfast table, mother facial _expression is always like the dark clouds before a thunderstorm and I would pretend not to notice. She would use her chopsticks and make a lot of noise with it as her silent protest. As I am a dance teacher in the Children's Palace and is exhausted from a long day of dancing around, I do not wish to give up the luxury of that additional few minutes in the comfort of my bed and hence I turned a deaf ear to all the protest mother makes.

From time to time, mother would help out with some housework, but soon her help created additional work for me. For example: she would keep all kinds of plastic bags accumulating them so that she sell them later on, and that resulted in our house being filled with all the trash bags; she would scrimp on dish washing detergent when helping to wash the dishes and so as not to hurt her feelings, I would quietly wash they again. One day, late at night, mother saw me quietly washing the dishes, and "Bam" she slams her bedroom door and cried very loudly in her room. Hubby was placed in a difficult position, and after that, he did not speak to me for that entire night. I pretended to be a spoilt child, tried acting cute, but he totally ignored me. I got mad and asked him: "What did I do wrong?" Hubby stared at me and said: "Can't you just give in to her once? We couldn't possibly die eating from a bowl however unclean it is, right?"

After that incident, for a long period of time, mother did not speak to me and you can feel that there is a very awkward feeling hanging in the house. During that period of cold war, hubby was caught in dilemma as to who to please. In order to stop her son from having to prepare breakfast, mother took on the "all important" task of preparing breakfast without any prompting. At the breakfast table, mother would look at hubby happily eating his breakfast and cast that reprimanding stare at me for having failed to perform my duty as a wife. To avoid the embarrassing breakfast situation, I resorted to buying my own breakfast on my way to work. That night, while in bed, hubby was a little upset and asked me: "LD, is it because you think that mum's cooking is not clean that's why you chose not to eat at home?" He then turned his back on me and left me alone in tears as feeling of unfairness overwhelmed me. After some time, hubby sighed: "LD, just for me, can you have breakfast at home?" I am left with no choice but to return to the breakfast table. The next morning, I was having porridge prepared by mother and I felt a sudden churn in my stomach and everything inside seem to be rushing up my throat. I tried to suppress the urge to throw up but I couldn't.
I threw down the bowl and rushed into the washroom and vomited everything out. Just as I was catching my breath, I saw mother crying and grumbl ing very loudly in her dialect, hubby was standing at the washroom doorway staring at me with fire burning in his eyes. I opened my mouth but no words came out of it, I really didn't mean it. We had our very first big fight that day; mother took a look at us, then stood up and slowly made her way out of the house. Hubby gave me a final stare in the eye and followed mother down the stairs. For three days, hubby did not return home, not even a phone call. I was so furious.

Since mother arrived; I had been trying my best and putting up with her, what else do you want me to do? For no reason, I keep having the feeling to throw up and I simply have not appetite for food, coupled with all the events happening at home, I was at the low point in my life. Finally, a colleague said: "LD, you look terrible, you should go and see a doctor." The doctor confirmed that I am pregnant. Now it became clear to me why I threw up that fateful morning, a sense of sadness floated through that otherwise happy news. Why didn't hubby, and mother who had been through this before, thought of the possibility of this being the reason that day?

At the hospital entrance, I saw my hubby standing there. It had only been three days, but he looked haggard. I had wanted to turn and leave, but one look at him and my heart soften, I couldn't resist and called out to him. He followed my voice and finally found me but he pretended that he doesn't know me; he has that disgusted look in his eyes that cut right through my heart. I told myself not to look at him anymore, and hail a cab. At that moment, I have such a strong urge inside me to shout to my hubby: "Darling, I am having your baby!" and have him lift me up and spin me round in circles of joy. What I wanted didn't happen and as I sat in the cab, my tears started rolling down. Why? Why our love couldn't even withstand the test of one fight? Back home, I lay on the bed thinking about my hubby, and the disgusted look in his eyes. I cried and wet the corner of the blanket.

That night, sound of the drawers opening woke me up. I switched on the lights and I saw hubby with tears rolling down his face. He was removing the money. I stared at him in silence; he ignored me, took the bank deposit book and some money and left the house. Maybe he really intends to leave me for good. What a rational man, so clear-cut in love and money matters. I gave a few dried laugh and tears starting streaming down again. The next day, I did not go to work. I wanted to clear this out and have a good talk with hubby. I reached his office and his secretary gave me a weird look and said: "Mr. Tan's mother had a traffic accident and is now in the hospital." I stood there in shock. I rushed to the hospital and by the time I found hubby, mother had already passed away. Hubby did not look at me, his face was expressionless.

I looked at mother's pale white and thin face and I couldn't control the tears in my eyes. My god, how could this happen? Throughout the funeral, hubby did not say a single word to me, with only the occasional disgusted stare at me. I only managed to find out brief facts about the accident from other people. That day, after mother left the house, she walked in dazed toward the bus stop, apparently intending to go back to her old house back in the countryside. As hubby ran after her, she tried to walk faster and as she tried to cross the street, a public bus came and hit her...

I finally understood how much hubby must hate me, if I had not thrown up that morning, if we had not quarreled, if... In his heart, I am indirectly the killer of his mother. Hubby moved into mother's room and came home every night with a strong liquor smell on him. And me, I am buried under the guilt and self pity and could hardly breathe. I wanted to explain to him, tell him that we are going to have our baby soon, but each time, I saw the dead look in his eyes, all the words I have at the brink of my mouth just fell back in. I had rather he hit me real hard or give me a big and thorough scolding though none of these events happening had been my fault at all.

Many days of suffocating silence went by and as the days went by, hubby came home later and later. The deadlock between us continues, we were living together like strangers who don't know each other. I am like the dead knot in his heart.

One day, I passed by a western restaurant, looking into the glass window, I saw hubby and a girl sitting facing each other and he very lightly brushed her hair for her, I understood what it meant. After recovering from that moment of shock, I entered the restaurant, stood in front of my hubby and stared hard at him, not a tear in my eyes. I have nothing to say to him, and there is no need to say anything. The girl looked at me, looks at hubby, stands up and wanted to go, hubby stretched out his hand and stopped her. He stared back at me, challenging me. I can only hear my slow heart beat, beating, one by one as if at the brink of death. I eventually backed down, if I had stood that any longer, I will collapse together with the baby inside me.

That night, he did not come home, he had chosen to use that as a way to indicate to me: Following mother's death so did our love for each other. He did not come home anymore after that. Sometimes, when I returned home from work, I can tell that the cupboard had been touched - he had returned to take some of his stuff.
I no longer wish to call him; the initial desire to explain everything to him vanished. I lived alone; I go for my medical checkups alone, my heart breaks again and again every time I see a guy carefully helping his wife through the physical examination. My office colleagues hinted to me >to consider aborting the baby, I told them No, I will not. I insisted on having to this baby, perhaps it is my way of repaying mother for causing her death.

One day, I came home and I saw hubby sitting in the living room. The whole house was filled with cigarette smoke. On the coffee table, there was this piece of paper. I know what it is all about without even looking at it. In the two months plus of living alone, I have gradually learned to find peace within myself. I looked at him, removed my hat and said: "You wait a while, I will sign." He looked at me, mixed feelings in his eyes, just like mine. As I hang up my coat, I keep repeating to myself "You cannot cry, you cannot cry..." my eyes hurt terribly, but I refused to let tears come out from there.

After I hung up my coat, hubby's eyes stared fixed at my bulging tummy. I smiled, walked over to the coffee table and pull e paper towards me. Without even looking at what it says, I signed my name on it and pushed the paper to him. "LD, you are pregnant?" Since mother's accident, this is the first time he spoke to me. I could not control my tears any further and they fell like raindrops. I said: "Yes, but its ok, you can leave now." He did not go, in the dark, we sat, facing each other. Hubby slowly moved over me, his tears wet the blanket.

In my heart, everything seems so far away, so far that even if I sprint, I could never reach them. I cannot remember how many times he repeated "sorry" to me, I had originally thought that I would forgive him, but now I can't. In the western restaurant, in front of that girl, that cold look in his eyes, I will never forget, ever. We have drawn such deep scares in each other's heart. For me, its unintentional; for him, totally intentional. I had been waiting for this moment of reconciliation, but I realized now, what had gone past is gone forever and could not repeated. Other than the thought of the baby inside me that would bring some warmth to my heart, I am totally cold towards him, I no longer eat anything he buys for me, I don't take any presents from him and I stopped talking to him. From the moment I signed on that piece of paper, marriage and love had vanished from my heart.

Sometimes, hubby will try to come into the bedroom, but when he walks in, I will walk out to the living room. He had no choice but to sleep in mother's room. At night, from his room, I can hear light sounds of groaning, I kept quiet. This used to be his trick; last time, whenever I ignore him, he would fake illness and I will surrender and find out what is wrong with him, he would then grab me and laugh. He has forgotten that last time; I cared for him and am concerned because there is love, but now, what is there between us?

Hubby's groaning came on and off continuing all the way till baby was born. Almost everyday, he would buy something for the baby, infant products, children products and books that kids like to read. Bags and bags of it stacked inside his room till it is full. I know he is trying to use this to reach out to me, but I am no longer moved by his actions. He has no choice but to lock himself in his room and I can hear his typing away on his computer keyboard, maybe he is now addicted to web surfing, but none of that matters to me anymore.

It was sometime towards the end of spring in the following year, one late night, I screamed because of a sudden stomach pain, hubby came rushing into the room, its like he did not change and sleep, and had been waiting for this moment. He carried me and ran down the stairs, stopped a car, holding my hand very tightly and kept wiping the sweat off my brown, throughout the journey to the hospital. Once we reached to the hospital, he carried me and hurried into the delivery suite. Lying on the back of his skinny but warmth body, a thought crossed my mind: In my lifetime, who else would love me as much as he did? He held the delivery suite door opened and watch me go in, his warm eyes caused me to managed a smile at him despite my contraction pain. Coming out of the delivery room, hubby looked at our son, and me, his eyes tear with joy and he kept smiling. I reached out and touched his hand. Hubby looked at me, smiling and then he slowly collapsed onto the floor. I cried out for him in pain... He smiled, but without opening that tired eyes of his... I had thought that I would never shed any tear for him, but the truth is, I have never felt a deeper pain cutting through my body at that moment. Doctor said that by the time hubby discovered he had liver cancer, it was already in terminal stage and it was a miracle that he managed to last this long. I asked the doctor when did he first discover he had cancer? Doctor said about 5 months ago and consoled me saying: "Prepare for his funeral." I disregarded the nurse's objection and rushed home, I went into his room and checked his computer, and a suffocating pain hits me.

Hubby's cancer was discovered 5 months ago, his groaning was real, and I had thought that... the computer showed over 200 thousand words he wrote for our son: "Son, just for you, I have persisted, to be able to take a look at you before I fall, is my biggest wish now... I know that in your life, you will have many happiness and maybe some setbacks, if only I can accompany you throughout that journey, how nice would it be. But daddy now no long has that chance. Daddy has written inside here all the possible difficulties and problems you may encounter during your lifetime, when you meet with these problems, you can refer to daddy's suggestion... Son, after writing these 200 thousand words, I feel as if I have accompanied you through your life journey. To be honest, daddy is very happy. Do love your mother, she has suffered, she is the one who loves you most and also the one who loves me most..." From play school to primary school, to secondary, university, to work and even in dealing with questions of love, everything big and small was written there. Hubby has also written a letter for me: "My dear, to marry you is my biggest happiness, forgive me for the pain I have caused you, forgive me for not telling you my illness, because I want to see you be in a joyful mood waiting for the arrival of our baby... My dear, if you cried, it means that you have forgiven me and I would smile, thank you for loving me... These presents, I'm ! afraid I cannot give them to our son personally, could you help me to give some of them to him every year, the dates on what to give when are all written on the packaging..."

Going back to the hospital, hubby is still in coma. I brought our son over and place him beside him. I said: "Open your eyes and smile, I want our son to remember being in the warmth of your arms..." He struggled to open his eyes and managed a weak smile. Our son still in his arms was happily waving his tiny hands in the air. I press the button on the camera and the sound of the shutter rang thought the air as tears slowly rolled down my face...

haiz

2004-09-13T22:31:00.000+08:00

my life hit another turnaround point again, i haf hit another pitfall yet again...saddening...told her i haf more time for her after competition...but who noes.after tt sumting happened... den now is worse...life shattering apart...n nth i can do... i juz dun haf time to pei her tis friday cant she juz try to understand me?? i m rushing my project report 2 presentation for my FYP...it means a whole lot to me loh...it concerns my future.... my future seems deem til i started working wif prof, i learnt a lot in bioinformatics there, n i hope to gif it my best shot there... den its like...i noe it's her holidays but i seriously dun haf holidays.... my work may even be extended til dec when my sch starts...can u juz understand my situation? tis friday we will be at I2R from morning til after professor see our presentation and gif it thumbs up b4 we can present it to tp...tt is y i will be in sch the whole day... how u suppose i can come out n meet u when every1 i bz wif the presentation? n if u recall properly, i have been meeting almost everyday of the week loh.... cept for 1 day a wk when i dun meet u...wat more do u reli wan? my entire life? i dun see/talk to my parents as much as u loh ... let me tell u my schedule again
monday-friday ---> work in i2r from 10am to 4/5pm then after tt i meet u for dinner/walk walk.....
mon/tues/wed/thurs ----> from 8pm to 9.30pm i have tuition
reach home at 10.30pm ---> bathe le...11pm...den i come online tok to u til lk 1am...den after tt i go bed..den wake up at 8.30am again to go work
sat/sun ---> a whole day would be spent solely with you
wat more do u wan? u wan see me everyday 7 days a wk u juz tell me lahz... i try arrange it lahz...the most i quit all my tuitions loh....past few wk i have been cancelling tuitions juz to spend more time wif you even though i reli need the $ loh...haiz...
i reli juz wan u to become less possessive... n i duno how can i tell u... tis is one of the factors that adds to the cracks in our r/s loh... cant u juz put urself into my shoes for once?

Starfish

2004-09-11T01:52:00.000+08:00

Starfish

As the old man walked the beach at dawn, he noticed a young man ahead of him picking up starfish and flinging them into the sea. Finally catching up with the youth, he asked him why he was doing this. The answer was that the stranded starfish would die if left until the morning sun.

"But the beach goes on for miles and miles and there are millions of starfish," countered the other. "How can your effort make any difference?"

The young man looked at the starfish in his hand and then threw it to safety in the waves. "It makes a difference to this one," he said.

story

2004-09-10T13:46:00.000+08:00

'Fistful Happiness' - a short tender love story
from Amir Saleem's short love stories

Right now she is seated so close to me that I can feel her breath on my skin. In this blood freezing winter, I can't resist longer against her heat-pumping eyes. She is glaring at me for quite some time now and I am burning in the warmth of her intentions. I might have melted by now but a cold yet sober reflection has kept me from dissolving into weakness.

After losing the glare offensive, the five soldiers of her hand started creeping towards me. These soldieries were not communists any more, if they were, they would have snatched me by now. I can feel the vibration, caused by the creeping of her hand, falling into my bones. Although her hand is yet to touch mine; the oscillation of that heart-soothing near future has made my hand to frustratingly wont for a passionate hug of that slender-finger neighbor.

I desire to alter the coldness of my hands with the coolness of hers and it is not impossible. There is no one else breathing in this little hut of a bus stop and our hearts are anxiously excited to listen to each other's beats.

But far away, in the deep hollows of my past, there is another heart, which has imprisoned my intentions. That heart has lived in my chest for years and I can't ignore it.

It is Mia's heart. My wife's heart.

Trembling winter. Lonely afternoon. Muddy clouds. Some melancholic rays peeping through those dusty cornflakes in the sky. Death faced skyscrapers. A road polluted with clumsy vehicles. Countless worn-out faces rolling on the road. Silently breathing hearts. Eyes fed up with monotony. Venomous minds. Incarcerated souls and frail bodies carrying the burden of forced freedom____

This is Moscow.

I was born here and I grew up here, under the dark daylight of the red sun. This red sun was there for everyone, whether one needed it or not. It was everywhere, in your house, your bedroom, your entire life and even in your thoughts. It never set anyone free. So many juvenile faces, novel ideas and enthralling dreams were burnt to ashes in this sun. Nothing could evade the red sun, not even the night.

I was also a part of this system. Who am I? Well, my introduction remains in constant use of millions of people in this world; "I am common man." And along with all those millions of common men, I lived in this system where we labored our lives. Carrying the burden of compulsive freedom on our shoulders, we were transferred from youth to old age, and from old age to demise. At numerous occasions death separated the youth from old age. Our minds, our thoughts had so unfeelingly become a part of all this. Days, dates, years, all meaningless. Our time scale was the amount of work done by us. How many shoes made, how many drugs packed, how many radios loaded, how many abuses assimilated. We were all inebriated. The dream of change was buried in the grave of our stomachs. And yet, in such a suppressive conditions, an eccentric thing happened; instead of my mind, my heart revolted. In this atmosphere of belligerence and hatred, my heart opted for tolerance and love.

She was beautiful; and full of life. She was strenuously breathing in this suffocating air. She had a smile dancing on her lips that would me smile. She had eyes where I could see my dreams. She had voice that would disquiet my heartbeat. But most of all, she had feet that were treading towards me. Heavenly romantic. She was eager to step into my life, I don't know why. I had nothing to give to her.

An aged room stuck into countless other lifeless rooms of a rotten building. Staring monotony. Intoxicated silence. Deceased air. Resentful walls. A wounded window. A colorless curtain waging a lost war against the firing snowflakes. A screaming, yelling wall clock. A repulsive towel. A pile of deformed suite-cases. A withered umbrella hanging on the hook. A clumsy picture making faces at me. A paralyzed bed. A tired pair of shoes sneaking from underneath the bed. A shelf sheltering a sorrowful row of ancient crockery. A faint effort of the bulb to lit up the room. A solitary chair sentenced a life imprisonment in these walls____ Nothing.

However, I had learnt to love. She taught me how to. I could fill her with love; touching her eyes with mine, ploughing my fingers in her hair, whispering my laughter in her ears. She would spread her tiny little complains with her head on my shoulder. We would aimlessly talk while walking on a deserted road in a tranquil evening. I would sing her songs in my gauche voice and she would disperse her melodious laughter in the air. I had planned everything. And along with this, I had also saved enough money to fulfill many of her not innocent wishes.

And then, on a glistening day, she stepped into my world and became my world. There were just eighteen guests participating in our wedding. Ten of them were my factory worker friends; six of Mia's friends and two were our combined, uniformed best wishers. Yes, the KGB. We had no one to call 'ours' but these few. After a short and simple ceremony, our friends departed us joking and laughing, while the KGB guests bid us farewell staring and glaring. They wanted to see us off to our bedroom door, I am sure. But I was not bothered by anything any more. I had found Mia. She was full of life. She pervaded me with it.

I didn't buy her a wedding gift. I couldn't find anything deserved by her. So I decided to ask her.

" Mia! I know you must be expecting a gift from me on our wedding night. I hate to disappoint you but the fact is that I couldn't buy you a gift. Not because I didn't have enough money or that I couldn't remember but because I couldn't find something as gorgeous as you are. Everything looked dull compared to you. So I thought I better ask you. I'll get you whatever you want."

"You'll get me whatever I ask you to?"

"Yes" I whispered with certainty.

"No matter how expensive, how difficult?"

"Yes."

"Then listen. You don't get tired of me. This will be your gift."

"What you mean?"

"I don't know why am I thinking this, but you get tired of looking at me every day. Or when I get old and would cease to be beautiful, would you leave me, not even look at me?"

"No, it won't happen. I'll never get tired of looking at you every day. And when you get old, so would I. And you'll always be beautiful in my eyes." "Promise?"

"Yes promise."

At that moment, she looked to me like a little girl. In a stormy night, afraid of lightning and thunderbolt, hiding in a corner, scared and trembling little girl. I assured her there was nothing to be afraid of. Storms, lightning, darkness, nothing could hurt her.

"I am with you, all around you."

She turned my room into a home. I suggested of buying a little house but she insisted on living in that room until two of us turn into three. And I agreed with her. In this little home of one room, we lived very close to each other, without any distance. You must be thinking how and for how long could two people living in such a small accommodation tolerate each other. Believe you me; Mia and monotony are the names of two firmly and utterly opposite things. Mia is simply astounding. Every day she would put such a thought in front of me that I would be bewildered. She would ask questions that would leave me speechless. She would make such childish requests that the entire building would resound with my laughter. One night, she was sitting in the chair sewing a button on one of my shirts and I was lying sideways on the bed reading a book. When suddenly, she put the shirt on the chair and lied down behind me the same way as I was. Placing her face right beside mine, our cheeks caressing, she held the book from where I was holding it.

"What is this?"

"Nothing. Just!"

"Just what? I am reading dear."

"Then read, whose stopping you?"

"But what's this all about?"

"I wanna read this book too."

"Then read it when I am finished with it."

"No, I wanna see how it feels the way you read it."

And I was lost.

She was an expert on unexpectedly starting a mind twisting conversation. While experiencing silence or right in the middle of a chat, she would abruptly ask outlandish questions.

"Are you happy?"

And I, perplexed, could only utter, "What you mean?"

"I mean, are you happy living with me?"

"That's a stupid question. And anyway I should be asking this question because I am the one who proposed you."

"Then why don't you ask?"

"What, should I ask it every day now?"

"No, but at least once in a while."

"All right honey, tell me, are you happy living with me?"

"Alot !"

And I was flabbergasted.

One day when I came back from work, she invaded me with a question as soon as I appeared from the door.

"Why don't you twist my ear?"

"Are you crazy, you think I am mad or something? Why would I ever do that?"

"Well, last night while picking up the dishes from the table, I broke a plate and you said nothing to me."

"And you want me to twist your ear on such a petty little thing?"

"At least you could chide me."

"Ok, my fault. Next time I will."

"Then do it."

"What!"

"I broke another cup today."

"That's ok, I'll get a new one tomorrow."

"So you are not going to chide me?"

"No way, not on this one."

"Then what am I supposed to do to make you chide me?"

"But why do you want me to chide you?"

"Because then you'll say sorry to me."

And laughter burst out of my stomach.

I could easily tell my friends that I have married a riddle. But it wasn't her; it was the system and the atmosphere in which we lived. In such a breath-hindering air, she was not only living alive but was keeping me alive as well. She had kept alive that precious feeling of love that had died in us. To remain alive in such a breathless air, she needed me and I desired her. That's why I never got tired of her strange acts. I couldn't leave her alone. If I had left her alone, I would have become alone as well.

Then one day, this system left me no option but to hate it and stand up in revolt against it. Mia was pregnant. She was facing a delivery situation. I rented a car to take her to hospital. We were both delighted. Everything looked fresh and new again. I hadn't yet reached the main road when two policemen stopped me. They told me that I couldn't go ahead. On my humble inquiry they told me that a member of the Politburo was to travel through this road so the passage was closed for general public. I informed them of my irresistible compulsion but they were earless. Justice is deaf in our part of the world. In response to my pleads, however, they had mercy on me enough to guide me to an alternate passage yet at the same time informed me that the road was under construction.

I considered it a blessing and turned the vehicle towards the alternative.

That road was like highway to hell, full of ditches. I was trying my best to drive carefully so that Mia doesn't get hurt, but it was all in vain. All those bumps and jumps and Mia was in sheer pain. I would look at the road for one moment and would turn to Mia the next. I was continuously consoling her but I knew words would do no good. I never felt so much helpless in my life and I hated all this helplessness. I don't want to go through all that misery again by stating the pains waged on Mia. All I can tell you is that this dreadful journey had a terrible ending. I couldn't become a father and Mia, after hanging in balance between life and death, was deprived of ever becoming a mother again.

I entered the hospital room that was mourning the death of my dreams. Mia looked at me and tears sneaked through her eyes. In a torn voice, she started apologizing to me.

"I am sorry dear, you can't be a father?

I put my fingers on her lips.

"No, don't say sorry. Its stupid. Rather I should thank you."

"Why?" her eyes asked. "Because you have come back."

A soft smile appeared in her eyes. She wanted to say something but I stopped her. And then I kept on combing her hair with my fingers until she went to sleep.

If this system was some person, I would have killed it by now. It tortured me, refrained me from living a life of my own, but I never cared because I don't care about myself much. I don't care who does what to me. But Mia, these people harmed Mia and I care about her. I care about her more than anything in this world. I forgot every injustice ever done to me but I could never forgive the tyranny inflicted upon Mia.

That's where I revolted against this red system. After taking the first step of revolt, I felt that numerous people were waiting for that first step. I only remained alone till the first step and then I was thronged with myself, the common man. We ejected the fear out of people's hearts. The lava of emotions was given way and it melted that system to ashes. The country that had stretched the largest darkness on earth had lost its spell. The people living under the red sun found freedom; a freedom of their own.

The red sun had set.

During this revolution I couldn't pay much attention to Mia. I had to hide in different places to avoid KGB. When I would go home with a break of few days, I found Mia waiting for me as if she knew the time of my coming home. She had become very weak. There were dark shades around her eyes. Her cheeks started losing their freshness. Bones started to peep through her round wrists. The shine in her eyes seemed to have gone quite some distance. And her smile was left on her lips only as a job. In spite of all this, she was still my Mia.

Once, when I came home after some days, I found a completely different Mia. A sad Mia. I could never see her sad.

"Mia, what's wrong? Are you in trouble?"

"No, I am ok." "Then why you look so sad, so withered?"

"No, you are mistaken. I am just tired, nothing else."

"Are you happy?"

"Yes."

"Then why don't you look happy?"

"I am happy, how else should I look?"

"No, I don't see that joy on your face. I want to see your face full of life and happiness."

"I am happy", she said tiredly. But I couldn't leave her like this. "Tell me, what should I do to bring those smiles back again, to make your soul happy."

"You really want me to tell you?"

"Yes, tell me. I'll bring whatever you want."

"No, I don't desire a purchasable thing. All I want is, I want to stand right in front of you so close that we feel our breaths hitting our faces, our hearts listen to each other's beats, our eyes play together, your whispers vibrate my body, and I, taking your hands into mine, thrusting our fingers together, taking a deep breath, would scream so loud that all the tiredness inside me, all the sadness vanishes in the air."

I knew the answer to her wish but I couldn't say what I should have.

"Mia, I understand your pain but I have obligations. I have to be careful. The path that I have opted for, either leads to freedom or death. But believe me, we will be free soon. We will through this blood-polluted system out of our lives for ever and then good times will come."

I took off again to my destination. I knew after that incident Mia was very upset but I was doing all this for her, wasn't I?

When the red sun was set, a bright new sun rose at us with a shining light. Its sunlight wasn't red. It didn't pinch. It shone to give us relief and warmth. But with the passage of time this sun also started throwing its hot spears at us. Its light only proved to be a "sparkling darkness", which attracted us but failed to comfort us.

This system wasn't flawless either. The government of the people couldn't do good to the people itself. There might have been a change of system, but for us, the common men, it only brought "another government". Too much freedom didn't bring us too much prosperity. It became more and more difficult to make both ends meet. I lost my job and I would wander like a dog in search of work. Mia got sick because of malnutrition. I would come home late in the night and would get out early in the morning. We were running our lives somehow. There wasn't much of a conversation between Mia and I. Perhaps there wasn't anything left to talk about.

And then in such compellingly disappointing conditions I found Tina. Even under these conditions she was full of life, breathing with all the energy. She wasn't very beautiful but she was definitely very attractive. So it was natural for me to take interest in her but what surprised me was that she attracted to me as well. I met her with reference of finding a job. She gave me the job and her company. I don't know why, even though she was married.

This job was better. I was being paid well. She would take me to places every day, for cinema, coffee or sometimes for nothing. Her husband worked in another city. It was her second marriage. She got divorced by her first husband; or she divorced him would be even more correct. She didn't recall her present husband in good words either. Quite often she would reveal upon me the dark sides of her husband's personality and I just listened silently. In the mean time, Mia kept on getting farther and farther away from me. She never asked me where I would stay all night, where I work all day, where I got the money from. She kept on doing house chores, quietly. May be her words were out of stock or may be she forgot how to talk. But I couldn't feel all this. And even if I did, I suppressed the very thought of it in the graveyard of my heart where my love was sleeping. I was too busy spending the time with my boss.

With the passage of time, Tina's conversations turned into passionate whispers. And I kept on drowning into the sea of her talking lips. I never tried to swim, resist or take control of myself. I left all of me on the waves of emotional mistakes, no matter where they take me. And today, she is ready to swim me away. She is sitting very close to me. She tries to touch my hand with hers but I hesitate and put my hand in my lap.

"Give me your hand, I want to mix it with mine."

I lost my strength for a moment, but then the very next moment a well-acquainted voice resounded from the unfathomable vacant of my heart. Mia's voice. She asked me for such a favor once, but how innocently, not so professionally like her. Mia asked it for the comfort of her soul and she?. Should I sacrifice Mia's sincerity over Tina's outwardly attraction? Should I forget all those innumerable moments spent with Mia for the sake of temporary pleasure? Should I betray Mia's blind folded trust for a selfish wish of mine? No. Never.

I am running towards my home. On a distorted road, my feet are getting shaky but not my heart. I have nothing to give to Mia. My pockets are almost empty. But my heart is filled with love. I will give Mia the pleasure. A pleasure that would reflect on her face. I will get her back her long lost shining eyes, her smiles, her vigor, her innocence, her childish mischief, everything.

I enter the house. Mia is busy washing clothes. I grab her from her shoulders and make her stand right in front of me so close that we feel our breaths hitting our faces, our hearts listen to each other's beats, or eyes play with together, and I, taking her hands into mine, thrust our fingers together.

At this moment with a loud scream, our entire tiredness and our sadness has vanished into the air.

The End

"You'll get me whatever I ask you to?"

"Yes" I whispered with certainty.

"No matter how expensive, how difficult?"

"Yes."

"Then listen. You don't get tired of me. This will be your gift."

"What you mean?"

"I don't know why am I thinking this, but you get tired of looking at me every day. Or when I get old and would cease to be beautiful, would you leave me, not even look at me?"

"No, it won't happen. I'll never get tired of looking at you every day. And when you get old, so would I. And you'll always be beautiful in my eyes." "Promise?"

"Yes promise."

this section of the passage reminds me of something i once promised u... i will never get tired of u...

...

2004-09-10T13:27:00.000+08:00

'Love ___ A Thousand Miles Close' - a short yearning love story
from Amir Saleem's short love stories

I am sorry I can't introduce myself right now, because I am running.

The sun has not set yet but it is dark. There are dark clouds all over the sky and they are filling the air with water. It seems as if today they are going to cry all of their tears away. I am trying to run as fast as I can but the rain is faster than me. So far it hasn't let me win. The wind and rain are trying to stop me but I am not going to let them do that. The wind is firing the rain drops like bullets on my face but nothing is going to stop me today because today I have to reach for a place, I have to reach for my life, I have to reach for the bench; yes___ the bench.

I go pass the lamppost that is only illuminating the rain. I cross the road, jump over the wooden fence and land into the world of my yesterdays.

It was raining, but that day it was not raining to stop me, rather it took me to places. Places that I had always seen but I had never been there before. It was a very soft rain that fell like breeze on my face. That's why I was not running, I was just walking. I had never met this park in the rain before. I used to stay at home in the rain. It was the first time that I had gone there in the rain. I don't remember since how long had I been coming in this park, sitting on the bench under the willow and watching the sunset. It must have been a long time. It seemed as if the bench belonged to me, as now there was no one who would sit on that bench but me.

It was a wooden bench of a medium length. On one side there was a meadow and on the other face, just behind the willow there was a big pond. Everyday the sun would play hide and seek with me from behind the leaves of the willow and then would drown in the pond.

But that day, there was no sun; instead rain was sinking in the pond. I had hardly reached my place when I saw a girl approaching the bench hurriedly. I stopped. I wished her to pass by and not to sit on my bench. Or may be I wished her to sit on my bench. I didn't know till then. But she did sit there and I was surprised. May be she sat there because the willow was the nearest shelter from the rain.

It was after a long time that someone else besides me had sat there and it felt good. I turned to my left and stood under another tree, with no bench of course, from where I could see her. She was sitting there with both of her hands in her lap and her eyes wandering here and there but looking nowhere. She was interested in nothing I guess. She was only waiting for the rain to stop.

After a while the rain turned into a drizzle. She stood up and walked away.

I stood there for a while, staring at the bench and then walked on.

Next evening, after a long and tough working day, I went to the park. White clouds were playing in the sky like naughty little kids. It was about twenty minutes to sunset. I reached my place and____ there was someone sitting on my bench. Do I need to tell you who?

She was there again and I couldn't believe it. She deprived me of sitting on my bench for the second time and today the sunset as well. It was the most beautiful injustice ever done to me. Now there was no other way for me but just to stand another tree and that's what I did. When the sun was setting, a strange thing happened; I saw two sunsets, one in the pond and the other in her eyes.

After that day I never went there to see the sun sinking in the pond but to see the sun setting in her eyes. I had given that bench to her without telling her. And she, without knowing it, took it from me.

The days kept on creeping and it seemed to me it'll carry on forever. After every hard working day, I would see her and all my tiresomeness would take wings and fly away. She was like that. She was not special but different. And what was that, that made her different; I could never have known until a child solver\d my problem. He made her smile and yes___ that was smile. I had never seen her smiling before but that was smile all over her, on her lips, in her eyes, in the movement of her hands, in the wavering of her hair, in the walking of her feet. SHE was smile.

So far everything seemed like a movie but it wasn't a movie. I wish it were so that I wouldn't let the bad part come and keep it happening forever. Till then it did seem as if it will go like this forever but then the bad part came. It may sound despicable to you, did to me. Even that I feel cheap to say that it was people. They would sit on my bench. Cheap isn't it? I let them sit on my bench, I didn't object. But the cheapest part is that they took away all the smiles. I only allowed them to sit on my bench, not to take away all the smiles.

But, well, I could say nothing to them as they were not bad but they just couldn't wait. They were kind of people who just do it. While I knew how to wait. I can wait forever. All my life I had been waiting for nobody, now I could wait for her. I could wait for her smile to come into my eyes, for her words to come into my ears.

I kept on waiting and things kept on changing. She changed too. She had become special, not for me but for others. For me she was still different. She was still coming to the park but now I could only see one sunset, that in the pond. I lost my bench too. Now there were a lot of people on and around my bench and I was waiting for them to leave. I wanted my bench to be left alone, just with her. But how to make them leave, I didn't know. The only thing I could do was to wait, that's what I did and that's what I am good at.

And today is the day. I had been waiting for this day. It is raining as hard as it can and I am running as fast as I can. First time when it rained I found her. Now it's raining again and I'll find her again. I am sure of it.

After jumping over the wooden fence, I land into the park. It is twenty minutes to sunset. I step into a little ditch full of water and lose my balance but I have no time to fall so I don't fall and keep on running. I know they are not coming today. The rain will stop them. They are afraid of the rain. But what about her? She had changed quite some time ago. She wouldn't want to come when no one else is coming. But I am coming, she will have to come. She is a brave girl, she won't be afraid of rain.

Today I'll forget everything that happened before. Today it will like the first time. Today everything will start all over again. The bad part is over and this time I wont let anyone near my bench but just her and I. While passing by an iron bench I lose my balance again and my knee hits the corner of the bench. These iron benches do hurt you know but my wooden bench never hurts. I don't have time to feel this pain so I keep on running towards my place.

And finally I am there. Yes, I have reached the bench. I can see the place now. The raindrops are trying to hide it but I can see the place.

All the days of the past are scampering in front of my eyes. I am feeling tired now and I am feeling pain in my knee.

There is no one on the bench.

The End

i found this story unique...i think there's a hidden meaning behind it... although a part of the passage wrote this : "While I knew how to wait. I can wait forever. All my life I had been waiting for nobody, now I could wait for her. I could wait for her smile to come into my eyes, for her words to come into my ears. " - the end of the passage states that there was no one on the bench...the story tells us that yes we can be waiting whole life for someone, BUT once that someone comes into your life, don't hestitate, grab the chance before you lose it... this is indeed very true... chances can come and go without you even realising it... but no matter what happens, you must always cherish it...

once i was given a chance, i did cherish it... but i doubt if the level of cherishment i imposed on it could not be seen or felt? maybe i never really deserved that chance before...haiz...

it's fate that brings 2 ppl together, yet it's also fate that can prevent 2 ppl from meeting... fate - wat is the actual definition of fate? is fate good or bad? was our fate destined even before we were born? or do WE ourselves, determine our own fate? this is a tough question, with an ambiguous answer to it, different ppl have different feelings and answers towards fate....

i clearly rmm the day...march 12 2004 was the 1st day we met, by the river, standing in a white skirt n blue top, her cheerful smile caught my eyes and heart... it was fate that brought us once together as friends...yet fate causes us to lose contact again...
oct 12 2004...we met again, but tis time is online in irc.... fate brought us together again...n from friends we became lovers...n from lovers...i hope we can still continue to be lovers...

nicE daY..

2004-09-05T23:11:00.000+08:00

hehe meet dear today den we went east coast park..hehe den went to rent bicycle..hehe onli rent one coz i duno how cycle..but dear kip ask mi to try..hehe bcoz of her words i tried..although ther are bruises but i manage to cycle le..but still not veri stable..thanx dear..-muacks-
den after tat we headed to marina bay..hehe dear so nice cleaned and washed the scallops and shellfish for mi..haha nw got a snail in my tummy..whahaha..but it was nice..if i would not have known wat was it..hehe..but i haf to thanz her for the food she cleaned and wash for mi..also the nice prawn she cooked for mi..nice nice..
after that we headed towards suntec..at first decided to go esplanade sit sit...but kinda of late le and dear tired..sum more she tml nid to go work..hehe..we tok alot todae..long tym since the last tym..reli being a long tym we tok w/o getting pissed or angry wif each other..i enjoyed myself todae..n i noe dear also enjoy it..thanx god for making it possible..miss ya dear..-hugs-

heez

2004-09-05T22:56:00.000+08:00

today today today went ECP!! to cycle...well actually is me cycle, den the xiao lao hu trying to cycle....it kept rain n rain off n on, then the wind damn power sia...soooo strong tt i dun nid cycle also auto move wan lehz the bike...hehe...she fell n injured herself numerous times, although i wanted to help her, but i kept back, cos i noe no pain no gain...so she muz learn it herself how to cycle...see her fall heart pain pain..but bo bian...den after tt she cycled wobbly n almost zig zagged the paths but stil din fall, i was sooo happy...she finally can le...but stil nt stable lah..well nvm...i will bring her go cycle more...muz jian fei...if nt too heavy will haf a lot of health problems wan...hmm...den after tt we rewarded ourselves wif dinner at marina bay..hehe cooked a butter prawn juz for her..den i peeled n opened scallops n washed them clean clean for her to eat...den pulled out 2 disgusting shellfish for her to eat ehhe..she see liao scared to eat..shouldnt haf let her see the cleaning part if nt she will love to eat it liao haha...after eating tt she kept say the snail crawling in the tummy wahaha...so funny...den after tt we went cityhall mrt den walked to esplanade den back to funan area to take bus home hehe..today quite a nice nice day for us ah hehe...

"This I Promise You"

2004-09-04T02:49:00.000+08:00

"This I Promise You"

Ohh ohh...

When the visions around you,
Bring tears to your eyes
And all that surround you,
Are secrets and lies
I'll be your strength,
I'll give you hope,
Keeping your faith when it's gone
The one you should call,
Was standing here all along..

And I will take
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you
This I promise you

I've loved you forever,
In lifetimes before
And I promise you never...
Will you hurt anymore
I give you my word
I give you my heart (give you my heart)
This is a battle we've won
And with this vow,
Forever has now begun...

Just close your eyes (close your eyes)
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you..
This I promise you..

Over and over I fall (over and over I fall)
When I hear you call
Without you in my life baby
I just wouldn't be living at all...

And I will take (I will take you in my arms)
You in my arms
And hold you right where you belong (right where you belong)
Till the day my life is through
This I promise you baby

Just close your eyes
Each loving day (each loving day)
I know this feeling won't go away (no..)
Every word I say is true
This I promise you

Every word I say is true
This I promise you
Ooh, I promise you...

This is the 1st song i dedicated to you if i m not wrong, this is also the background music i put in the webbie i created juz for u... juz tell u...every min wif u... i do cherish them...cept maybe i duno how to express wat i feel out ba... i m always an introvert also...i tends to keep everyting to myself...the only way i noe how to express out is thru songs, poems , or typed out words...juz wan to tell u, i duno wat tml will be like without u... i reli reli love u lots... take care always k...

sobz

2004-09-04T02:07:00.000+08:00

today is one of the worst days of my life, i nvr wanna live it again, my heart is tearing apart, nothing can ever cure it again, i guess im destined to live a lonely life ba, all the bloody trouble i got thru, brought us hurt n sorrow n sadness... all the promises can vanishes juz overnite, life is fragile, promises r also fragile... a small problem can actually create a huge massive fire that could either burn out everything, or re-ingnite ppl's love...im praying tt it's the latter, at this moment in time, a sudden rush of feeling tt overcame me, a feeling of that's like being lost in the vast open sea, of only ocean n ocean of water, no sight of land, of being in an endless desert, seeing nth but sand, of a forest full of neverending surroundings of trees...everything is in a blur...my head is spinning, caused by the sudden rush of blood into my head...my heart is hurting, my soul is crying, my eyes wet, but my mouth silent, i cant make any sound, for fear of parents coming into my room...all i could do is to clinch my fists n bit on them, to prevent any sob, even the slightest sound escaping from me...i duno how else can i describe my feelings...the very feeling tt im gg to lose someting very precious to me...someting that's once in a billion or more...someting tt's once gone will nvr be mine again...n all these mess were brought up juz be the slightest argument...if only i had been more feeling...more sensitive...but maybe it's all too late...or is there a chance to rebuild the trust n feelings? i duno, i guess i might never know unless given the chance to try again...i had given many chances out, but will i ever get a chance back?? only heaven knows... i had erred in many of my r/s...but will i pass tis test? tis final test? i duno...reli duno...i have hurt those who reli loved me...i have hurt them badly, real badly... i was always selfish, always thought only of myself, i nvr put myself into other ppl's shoes, maybe such a person lk me shouldnt have existed in this humane world...i brought ppl hurt n sorrow...none of love n care n concern...i reli reli hated myself... i haf always told myself to cherish ppl...yet i cant do it...i haf told others the same, they could...yet y cant i?? im juz sum1 who dun practice wat i preach...im trying hard...reli hard... to show more love n concern, but it seems tt watever i do comes to no avail, she dun feel it... during our many mths together, i have reli been happy most of the times, yet sad at times too but the happiness overrides the sadness...there's always to be up n down in r/s...i fought hard n won the battle once when some1 liked me...i still stuck wif her...we kept together despite objections n discrimination...yet now...i duno...i reli duno....maybe it will be a new beginning or maybe it's the end... only heaven knows.... i reli wish to be able to spend the special day wif u, provided if i could haf the chance to...

Seek Not My Heart
by Kit McCallum

Oh gentle winds 'neath moonlit skies,
Do not you hear my heartfelt cries?

Below the branches, here about,
Do not you sense my fear and doubt?
Side glistening rivers, sparkling streams,
Do not you hear my woeful screams?

Upon the meadows, touched with dew,
Do not you see my hearts a'skew?
Beneath the thousand twinkling stars,
Do not you feel my jagged scars?

Seek not my mournful heart kind breeze,
For you'll not find it 'mongst these trees.

It's scattered 'cross the moonlit skies,
Accompanied by heartfelt sighs.
It's drifting o're the gentle rain,
A symbol of my silent pain.

It's buried 'neath the meadow fair,
Conjoined with all the sorrow there.
It's lost among the stars this night,
Too far to ease my quiet fright.

No gentle winds, seek not my heart,
For simply ... it has torn apart.

-adacOndas nIcE nIcE-

2004-09-01T23:00:00.000+08:00

went to meet her after school at the redhill bus stop,
went take 33 to Tiong Bahru Plaza to change Bus number 16,
before taking the bus, we went KFC to buy popcorn chicken..hehe..
den took 16 to great world city..oni lk 4 stops from ther lohx..
den went get tixs to watch adacondas..before the show start went to eat dinner first..haha..den we went walk walk at cold storage to grab sum food to munch in the cinema..she bought a bottle of gui hua tea and i bought a packet of sour plum..
the went in the cinema at ard 6.40pm, and just now juz start..veri nice scenery in the movie..the snake reli DAMN DAMN big N LONG lohx..whaha..
A veri nice show, PPL reli worth watching lohx..
When watching, u will help the characters in the movie feel anxious even before they can see the snake..Snake de mouth dAMN BIG loh..den went ard walking in Great World City..hehe..

Yesterday:
Pei her go eat dinner at IMM..den went walk ard IMM..den go jurong East interchange..
tym for me to go home n tym for her to go tuition..my train left before hers, and when i am at clementi she called mi to tell mi tat her tuition is cancelled last min..so we met up at bouna vista agn..hehe went PS de Samuel & Kevin shop..hehe bought the same pair of 3/4 pants..nice nice worx..hehe..lalalala..
den went to see book fair..wow alot of books lohx..different different kinds de..and they actually sell the book at oni $5 when the original price is lk $30 plus.. damn worth it..We bought 3 books..n i m in the midst of reading a book named wuya..a veri nice book..

Tml will be another day in school..enterprise skills..hope will end early ba..whahaha..shall end here le..hehe..take care everyone..
u ar beta drink more water and take care worx..
miss ya.. love ya.. -hugs n muacks-

bleahzzzzzzzzzzz

2004-08-26T00:01:00.000+08:00

hehe today happy happy day....went NUS after tt met dardar outside her sch bus stop at 5.15pm to go lido to watch Quill...hehe it was a fantastic movie wor!! highly recommended for all those dogs lover out there hehe...very touching wan...is based on real life story de..hehe... we bought popcorn chicken n f&n grape into the cinema hehe i finally sat in lido classic cinema le whaha...we sat on the 4th row hehe nice nice no1 around to irriate us today hehe...den after movie we went eat LJS at far east....den after tt we walked to centrepoint den dar bought pork floss, blackcurrant juice, cupnoodles for me hehe so sweet of her hehe... bleahz.... now she so lazy dun wan blog ask me blog hehe bleahz..nvm lahz ... i will do anything for her wan... today finally, after sooooo long, we got lots n lots to tok tok bout le... past few weeks was horrid...there was always an air of quietness btw us...hehe...now finally okok le... haiz...but i got problem...i trying hard to avoid tt se mi mi argh...jiu ming ahz!! dardar muz protect me wor! hehe dar now being pestered by a disgusting lowdown irriating 16 yr old B wahah =x long story behind tt B n me wahahaha...tt dar sorts noes haha bleahzzz...dar muz be wary of her wor...u will become her next admirer soon wan...trust me...hehe if she dare do anything to u i will go n mao her til she cry ah hehe... hao xiang ni ahz...hugs n muacks!

http://www.quill.jp/flash/index.html

One morning in June, five Labrador Retriever puppies are born. One puppy is easily identifiable from the rest as he has a birthmark on his side, which resembles a bird spreading its wings. The owner names it Jonathan and hopes to train the puppies into guide dogs...As it is not easy to train puppies into guide dogs, their owner approaches guide dog trainer Satoshi Tawada persistently, who reluctantly agrees to take in one puppy. He chooses the easy-going Jonathan, as fast-reacting and emotionally expressive dogs are not suitable to work as guide dogs.Soon, Jonathan is taken to the Nii household, where Isamu and his wife, Mitsuko volunteer to raise the young pups before they can train into guide dogs. Upon reaching the Niis, Jonathan receives the new name “Quill” after his “bird wings” birthmark on his side.Quill grows up to be a gentle and lovely pup, though mischievous at times, the Niis adore him. Soon, Quill reaches his first birthday which is also the last day that he is in the care of the Niis. This day marks the start of his training as a guide dog with Tawada and also his partnership with Mitsuru Watanabe, a visually-handicapped and stubborn man, who does not believe in guide dogs... Can Quill bring him love and warmth?This heartwarming movie is a definite must-watch for all dog lovers!

tings will nia be how they were...

2004-08-22T00:59:00.000+08:00

things will nia be how they were..
the amount of pain i am feeling nw..is sumting tat she and everione else can't undersatnd..
no one understand mi..when i need sum1 i find tat i haf no one but her..
i am breaking into pieces..reli breaking..
it is breaking in a way tat no one will ever understand..
why issit mi whu will get all these pains??
there are so many ppl in this world..
den why?? why issit mi?? why issit so unfair??
I HATE 22 August and tat person..
my eyes are swollen..and they are so painful..
i dun wish to cry anymore..my eyes are suffering..
and i am not hafing enuff slp everidae..haf the ugly dark ring now..
y can't heaven be nicer to mi?
guess sumtings in tis blog has to be changed..
things aren't the same now..
i haf to be happy in front of my mumi and my classmates..
but deep down..my heart is crying in pain..
tis toopid dae has cum..as expected..
supposed to be a nice dae..but juz a message spoilt it..why??
my feeling nw is lk shen bu ru si..
i need her by my side at tis point of tym..
but she cannot coz so late le..
the problem juz lies with mi..
i can't overcome it..
there is no foreva in a r/s..
i m gg le..
nitex everyone whu is still awake..
sleep tight and sweet dreams..
juz wan tell her i miss her lotsa n love her lotsa..
-hugs n muacks-
-gonex-

haiz

2004-08-21T23:34:00.000+08:00

today was supposed to be a nice nice day for us, but in towards the night, things turned sour for us, haiz... i m at the point of duno wat to do already. tis is the 1st time in life whereby im feeling tis way, i reli duno how can i make tings better for us...there r problems revoloving everywhere around me, at work, at trainings, at home n virtually everywhere... n today is one of the worst days of my life, no, she wasnt the cause of it if u all were wondering k... it was someting else...

today we went bionn for treatment, it took us almost 2 hrs there but we emerged wif a wrinkle free n smooth face, after tt we went her hse, den ordered pizza hut... =x den after tt i went off at around 9.15pm...reached home at 10.30pm like tt, den went bathe n now i m online talking to her... i wan to tell her tt i reli miss her n loves her lotsa, she muz never ever leave me... if tt day reli were to happen, then i duno wat to do le..maybe i will be better off dead ba? haiz...

hopes dashes, dreams collaspses, everything lies in our own hands, but y is it that it's so hard to fight against fate?

sO afraid to asked..but i finally asked and get an ans..

2004-08-19T02:03:00.000+08:00

asked dear a question..a question i dun dare ask..
but i finally plucked up the courage to asked..
and i got an answer from her..
veri happy that she told me the truth..
although the answer was heartbreaking..
but i am happy she is willing to tell mi the truth..
thanx my dear for saying the truth..
-appreciate it lots-
aniwae nw i m gg to lie on my bed..
to try to sleep..coz not tired..
duno y not tired..since juz nw..dear noe i not tired also..hehe
bo bian not tired also muz try sleep..
coz nw late le..
tml muz wake up early..
nitex ppl..i m gg...
-gone-

pasting dear blog for her..hehe

2004-08-16T15:59:00.000+08:00

Saturday:

Went tuition at new students (Vanessa n luke chan) hse at woodlands...heez… they r mixed Chinese wif duno wat… how come I always kenna Chinese mixed students ah..den I will haf to teach them Chinese eeeekkk n my Chinese is nt gd… then I was lk sooo scared tt day..so nervous…tt sumting might go wrong hehe … at the 1st 30 mins of the lesson…there was a moment whereby I felt like juz walking out of the living room n told the mother I wanted to go home…cos it’s like erm im very stressed…n I was teaching in the living room wif the mother and grandparents around there….n I very worried tt I wun noe how to read the words… but little by little as the minute passes…tings got better…hehe luke broke the ice by asking me how to read a word…den he started telling me bout vanessa’s bad points..den they started talking bad bout each other..den after tt everyting went well… heez… den after tt I went town meet dar, she was late for 30mins I waited for her at orchard mrt, while waiting for her…2 pink clothed woman approached me…1 is in her mid 50s or early 60s…the other her daughter is in her late 20s ba or early 30s ba… she chatted me up juz by asking me the time… den I got to hear a sad life story bout her daughther, how she was so hard working n brilliant, she was in nus studying but she failed her final yr thus she fell into depression, thus now she is a bit sot sot le…tis is so saddening…haiz… well at least listening to tis story while waiting for dar kept me occupied… den dar finally strode down the flight of stairs wif that sheepish look on her face n was embarrassed that she was late again =x den we went walk walk walk walk around town… den after tt we went pizza hut to eat, I gave her a treat in significance to her recovery from dengue hehe… den after tt we went home le…

Sunday:

Went Vanessa n Luke’s hse again…this time they juz saw me only they started talking to me like as though we have long been acquaintances haha…den after their lessons I went bugis wait for dardar cos she is late 30 mins again duh…den we went her aunt stall to eat chendol n nasilemak chickenwing yumyum…after lunch we went shopping for a purse for her cos she is always misplacing her tings…. We finally bought it a muji…den we went suntec le…heez…ate yami yoghurt there..hehe duno how many lightyears since I last ate it le hehe yummy!! Den after tt we went esplanade festival stalls…hehe bought some food there to munch on during our 3 hrs wait for the fireworks to start..hehe
I estimated the rocks whereby it would be the centre of the fireworks display n hey presto! I was right! Haha we sat directly centered viewing fireworks tt nite… it was a fabulous display of bursts of colors across the inky skies…the fireworks streaked across the skies like shooting stars… n some of it shoot up high into the skies, n exploded into various colors n den dropping slowly into the sea juz like comets or meteorites raining down from the skies… the scene there was absolutely magnificent, I cant describe the beauty of the fireworks last nite in juz words…u will have to be there in order to really understand and feel the bursts of colors upon the skies…heez…n I even made a wish under the fireworks… I had a great time enjoying the fireworks wif Eunice last nite, nowadays it was hard for us to simply juz sit down side by side le…n yesterday, we even chatted almost non-stop during the 3 hrs we sat waiting for it to start… hehe… im glad nth ruined the day for it was as if back to those rare and carefree days that I used to spent wif her ages ago… well all good tings came to an end, but at least, yesterday was a beautiful end.. after viewing the powerful indescribable fireworks display, we went to funan, after that we took bus home le..hehe…dar..thanks for such a unforgettable day yesterday, reli reli loves u lots… miss ya….

i m back in sch..whahaha..miss her so much..

2004-08-16T08:54:00.000+08:00

i m well agn..n back in sch..
yesterdae went watch fireworks at esplanade..
whaha..the firework so powerful lohz...
enjoy it veri much especially when i watched it wif her...
hehe..the position she choose so shiok lohz..lk as if we will juz under the fireworks..
the feeling so warmth n nice..wif her beside mi..sharing the pretty moment..
saw the hrtshape fireworks..actually is combination of three fireworks..
the whole place was so pack wif ppl..actually intend to go eat KFC de..
but all the fast food resturant so pack..so we end up din eat..
hehe..after tat went funan the IT mall de cold storage..
hehe brought frosties for her for todae's breakfast..hehe..
den after tat we went home..coz dear dear nid to rest early..
my dear veri ke lian..todae she went to her workplace early..
coz she haf to complete her job..but oni to find out tat her friends din do aniting at all..
except arranging them in alphabetical order..n sum more not well arranged..
den nw..she nid to do it alone..coz her friends still not here..
sum more the ting mux be done by 9.30am..
hope she can finish it by 9.30am..
nw i understand what ppl mean by never jugde a book by its cover..
ppl will show their true colour when u get to know them longer..
tis week dear dear will be bz coz the publication for her job is predicted to be out next week..
hehe..den can see her face on the newspaper..hehe..
happy for her..den she will be famous...
hehe..shall end here le..
miss my dear dear lotsa n lotsa...
love her lotsa n lotsa..
-hugs n muacks for my qin ai de dear dear-

haaahaa wat a day

2004-08-05T17:28:00.000+08:00

i rushed all the way home from sci park juz to get ready to go n visit her, n who knows wat, i called her after ordering the flowers n bathed n lied to mother i m going tuition n cancelled my tuition and told the professor im nt feeling well n said to produce mc tml - to be told tt her mother will be reaching there soon, so i better saturday den go down. so idiotic loh...made me rush so much in the end wat did i get?! shit man! watever lahz...wat is meant to be will be... life is indeed unpredictable... now i had to call n told the mother of the student tt i can make it again... i doubt she will believe me the next time i tries to cancel another class off... haiz... today is simply nt a day... it's so difficult to be wif her especially when her mother noes bout us.... i m terribly stressed over it... if i try to pass off as her fren, sure cant de... she brought up saying that she will tell her mom tt we broke off le...now i m juz her fren, i doubt her mother will even believe loh....u tink an ex will be so nice to u mehz? guess it's fated tt we cant meet ba...haha... watever it is...i juz wish her speedy recovery n pls take care, whoever who visits her ltr pls help me tell her tis, i dun tink i will be visiting at all while she's in sgh....

home

2004-08-04T20:34:00.000+08:00

now im home again...but i cant seems to rest... i kept thinking bout eunice, i hope she is feeling better. finally after waiting for the whole day at different medical centres, she is given a ward bed...haiz...the docs juz now took 3 syringes full of her blood...the pain muz be almost unbearable for her...haiz...wish i could do something to lessen her pain... i noe sumting terrible was happening to her judging from my medical studies n also her appearances/symptoms...but i juz couldnt persuade her to go n see the doc.. maybe cos i myself was afraid that my very own diagnosis was to be right...cos it would mean that she would be sick n week for a mth at least...argh, y is heaven so unfair? y muz she get the stupid dengue fever? it's very worrying for every1 who cares n loves her to see her like that...haiz... duno how long muz she be confined in SGH ward grrr... i feel so weird today, cos she isnt there to pei me chat on msn, she din meet me after my work at sci park, she din sms me much, it's juz so weird....so hard to adapt...hope that she will get well soon....btw she juz called me, she said that her room got 3 other ppl, 1 is paralysed, 1 is heart prob, 1 is duno wat de...den she tonite juz ate biscuits n drank milo for her dinner, so ke lian...haiz...i tink she will be staying there alone lehz....how i wish i could be there wif her now but my mama say i cant go visit her cos she scared i will be infected by the airborne viruses in the hospital...sobz...she juz hanged up saying tt the doc came into her ward...hmm...wondering how is she now... she kept saying okok but i stil very worried.... n summore she cannot fall down....if fall down n injure herself sure more worse than it is now.... god ... pls pls dun let anything bad happen to her...pls...i reli very scared....nth muz happen to her... she muz get well again soon... pls god.... i cant bear to see her in this awful state.... god...pls...

Hail, Mary, full of grace, the Lord is with you.
Blessed are you among women and
blessed is the fruit of your womb, Jesus.
Holy Mary, mother of God,
Pray for us sinners now and
at the hour of our death.
Amen.

Dengue Fever

What is it?
Dengue fever is a type of arbovirus, which is short for arthropod-borne virus. The virus that causes dengue fever is carried by Aedes egypti mosquitoes, and is transmitted to humans through their bite. An organism that carries a disease, without actually developing the disease, is called a vector.

Who gets it?
The risk for being bitten by a mosquito that is carrying dengue fever is higher in Africa, Southeast Asia and China, the Indian subcontinent, the Middle East, South and Central America, the Caribbean Islands, Australia, and the South and Central Pacific. Dengue fever is considered "endemic" to certain regions, which means it is native to, or naturally occurring, in these areas. Dengue fever is more likely to occur during or shortly after the rainy season, when the mosquito population is larger. It also most commonly affects children under the age of 10. Dengue fever is rarely seen in the United States.

What causes it?
When a mosquito that is carrying dengue fever bites a person, the virus travels through the body's glands. Once in the glands, it multiplies and can enter the bloodstream. Dengue fever is not contagious, which means one person cannot pass it directly to another.

What are the symptoms?
It takes around five to eight days after being bitten by an infected mosquito for the virus to multiply. Then, symptoms including high fever, headache, chills, swollen lymph nodes, red eyes and eye pain, severe joint and muscle pain, flushed face, lower back pain, and general weakness appear suddenly. These symptoms last for two to three days. Afterward, the fever drops and the patient experiences heavy sweats, but feels better for around one day. This is followed by an increase in temperature, a rash, and a headache. The rash consists of small red bumps that begin on the arms and legs, but then spread to the back, abdomen, and chest. The soles of the feet and palms of the hands also turn red and swell. Symptoms usually last for up to 10 days, but the patient is weak and extremely tired for up to a month afterward. In more severe cases, patients have fever and headache, then develop a cough.

The dengue virus causes the blood vessels to swell and leak, creating small purple colored spots on the skin, called petechiae. The skin may appear bruised in areas where the bleeding is worse. Bleeding into the stomach causes severe abdominal pains and vomiting of a black, grainy substance that looks like coffee grounds. This severe bleeding, called hemorrhaging, occurs when the blood runs out of clotting factors. The damaged blood vessels eventually become so large that they are unable to supply the needed blood flow and the oxygen it carries to the body's tissues. This causes the body to go into shock, and can damage major organs such as the heart and kidneys.

Severe cases of dengue fever are called dengue hemorrhagic fever (DHF) or dengue shock syndrome (DSS). The body produces antibodies, which are disease-fighting cells, that protect the patient who has had dengue fever from being reinfected for around one year. However, more severe cases of dengue fever often occur in patients who have already had the virus, then are reinfected at a later time. Because the immune system recognizes the virus, it overreacts, causing more severe symptoms. Most people who have had dengue fever are more likely to have recurring similar viral infections over the years.

How is it diagnosed?
The arbovirus that causes dengue fever can be diagnosed by a blood test.

What is the treatment?
Dengue fever, like other arbovirus infections, must run its course. Treatment is focused on medications to lower fever and reduce pain, fluids to prevent dehydration, and bed rest. Blood transfusions are given in cases of severe blood loss, and oxygen must be given to patients with dengue shock syndrome (DSS). Almost all patients with dengue fever have a complete recovery. Those with DSS have a good prognosis if they receive immediate medical treatment.

Self-care tips
There are ways to protect yourself if you are traveling to a country that is known to have a high population of dengue fever-carrying mosquitoes. You can avoid mosquito bites by using a mosquito repellent spray or lotion on your body and clothes and staying in well-screened areas. Your sleeping area should have mosquito netting over the bed. Avoid leaving any containers of standing water outside where mosquitoes can breed. See a healthcare professional immediately if you have been in an area endemic to dengue fever and you have any illness with fever that lasts for more than two days.

cham cham cham

2004-08-04T16:25:00.000+08:00

argh im sooo sad now..eunice is down wif dengue i think..she gg to be admitted to SGH soon...haiz...den she cant go to sch le..means she cant take her test..means she will haf to repeat a sememster..shit lahz.....means i cant see her also.... hope it's nth tt serious...argh..all my fault! i should haf dragged her to the doc last week instead of letting her delay it juz cos she said she was feeling better...haiz... i hope i can go visit her when she's there...i duno wat to get for her though...birdnest? ginseng? essensce of chicken? flowers? softtoys? or wat? sum1 help me tink lehz...haiz..i will do anyting to make her well again....
~sad n grieving~

i miss u lotsa..

2004-08-04T08:21:00.000+08:00

i m home todae..din go sch coz not feeling well..
will b gg to the doctor later..
i miss my dear lotsa.. wun be seeing her till i recover..
wun be toking to her either.. but i wish i could..
coz she sae i need to rest.. gg to miss her lotsa..
i m gg to recover fast.. den i will b able to see her..
had being sick for the past few daes.. fever kip cuming on n off..
n my dear sae i look ugly.. =(
feel lk hearing her voice..
hehe dear dear will be bringing mi to see fireworkes on 15 Aug..
can't wait for it to cum..
dear i noe i m stubborn sumtimes..
i m sorry..
we have being together for so long le..
like wat u sae..our love is strong..
no one or aniting can ever pull us apart de..
we still haf our little dream yet to fulfill..hehe
ppl she is mine forever -grab
-dear miss and love ya lotsa n lotsa-
-lotsa n lotsa of hugs n muacks-

home home home

2004-08-03T23:49:00.000+08:00

now im home le...i msg her but i think she zzz le...i msg her 3 times summore..hoped my smses din wake her up =x
she reli reli very very the sick leh...her face look very pale n red rashes... i see le very xin tong... her nose area the skin peeling which i think is due to excessive blowing of her nose... den her ears the skin around her ear holes also peeling off.... her body also seems to haf redden a bit... her fever kept coming on n off on n off....n she is always thirsty no matter how much water she drinks....n she feels cold when i feel warm...dun feels hot when i m very hot n she can still be wearing her jacket...tink sumting very wrong wif her....i hope it's nth great...i dun wan anything bad to happen to her... she had already went thru a lot of hurt before... i wish i could shoulder these pains for her... god if u love us...pls pls reli pls...make her well again....i cant bear to see her in pain n sickness...

Our Father, who art in heaven; hallowed be Thy name; Thy kingdom come; Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread; and forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us, and lead us not into temptation; but deliver us from evil. Amen

work work work

2004-08-03T15:55:00.000+08:00

now i m at my working place duh..so boring...today searched through bout at least 500 sites le...but ended up wif only a single piece of info... so sianz wan! everyday do the same thing duh... today we ate in...mama made bread for me. ham n cheese n organic lettuce sandwich x4 hehe...den an apple also..i drank milo wif my brunch despite having a slight sorethroat... i juz dun lk drink plain water..duno y also..maybe since young dun drink ba...tt y nt used to it? well i will try adapt to drinking plain water more... muz be more health conscious le..cos my age is getting on in the years already.... now my dardar having her presentation.... she has been ill for more than a week now...her fever came on n off since last monday... so sad...i brought her to see the doctor le but stil the same... n she is always thristy...im very scared that she has contracted dengue fever..cos most of her symptoms were those of dengue.... well anyway i wil continue praying to god every night in hope of a speedy recovery... n nowadays i m very bz...dun haf much time for her...i noe she's making all these small effort to come juz meet me even though it's for a short while lk 2hrs...i reli appreciate wat you have done for me... hope we will be together always if heavens allow us to... we have went thru so much together le...i noe our love is strong... nth can go wrong... together, we can make it happen... im listening to britney's everytime now...wat a sad song it is... i hope aug will pass quickly... den i will have more time for eunice le..but also at the same time...if it is to pass so quickly, then soon it will be time for me to go back to sch and study already... n i heard that tp's schedule changed again, study a few weeks only is term test le...cos they trying to change the new semester to april next yr.... so i will graduate latest in april..sobz...gg to miss sch soo much then... miss lecturers, miss the frenz....especially the place where held so much memories, the swimming pool... in less than a yr...i will be out of tp...haa...into the working world out there....hope i will either get a gd job or best if i could further my studies... muz earn more $$ also hehe den can bring her go holiday to new zealand to milk her cows....
hmmm sunday went competition at siloso beach...wah seh tp girls fighting a losing battle there, i came in almost last for all my events....well.. wat to say...both my legs were injured...kaoz how to run man...i ran lk a pai ka there....n the cameraman even filmed the whole procedure of me running n canoeing n swimming down haha...so malu....hmph...all the coach's fault...wan me die there issit...put me in so many girls' events...tink i shen ahz.... but so sway lahz...tt nite b4 kenna right hip injury again...haiz...sucky competition... den tis stupid nyp ger call cinderine aka cinderella yucks hai me...if nt my canoe wun come in last...grrr!!! if got chance see the video den u all will noe wat i talking bout... idert her... den after competition some of my teammates n i went to esplanade to watch the fireworks...it was beautiful! now i noe where is a gd place to view the fireworks le...aug 15 im gg to go wif eunice there to view them hehe.....
well tink i talking off course here again hehe well anyway..ending here le k...take care people!! i will remind eunice to miss u all de hehe... love n miss eunice tay lotsa! ~hugz n muacks~

Britney Spear - Everytime

Notice me

Take my hand

Why are we

Strangers when

Our love is strong?

Why carry on without me?

(Chorus)

Everytime I try to fly,

I fallWithout my wings, I feel so small

I guess I need you, Baby

And everytime I see you in my dreams

I see your face, it's haunting me

I guess I need you, Baby

I make believe

That you are here

It's the only way I see clear

What have I done?

You seemed to move on easy

And everytime I try to fly, I fall

Without my wings, I feel so small

I guess I need you, Baby

And everytime I see you in my dreams

I see your face, you're haunting me

I guess I need you, Baby

(Ohhhhh)

I may have made it rain

Please forgive me

My weakness caused you pain

And this song is my story

At night I pray

That soon your face will fade away

And everytime I try to fly, I fall

Without my wings, I feel so small

I guess I need you, Baby

And everytime I see you in my dreams

I see your face, you're haunting me

I guess I need you baby

kukubird day

2004-07-30T00:57:00.000+08:00

today is another kuku day...went work..den tok tok tok wif them til 1+ den i stil tot 12+ den ended up i din go for lunch..think hui mad at me ba...but after apologized n told her i meeting eunice for lunch at 5+pm...she okok le loh...duh..nowadays i lk kept making ppl around me unhappy...duno y also...haiz....tink there's something reli wrong wif me...but i juz duno wat is it...will sum1 kindly tell me wat's wrong wif me nowadays?? this had been a terrible week for me...haiz...work also lousy..everyting lousy mostly..training sux...events kept being changed...all those hard hard events all pushed to me juz cos i got the strength...ppl no nid to rest one mehz? i also nt robot...kaoz eh... den there's problems btw us arising haiz... i always haf no time for her lah i admit it lahz...1,3,5 trainings....2,4 tuition...den work from 9.30 to 6pm but i left secretly at 5pm to meet her loh...den wkends...i haf trainings/competition...if nt i go out wif her... i even skipped 1 day training a wk juz to go out wif her...im guilty...i cant spend much time wif her... i noe she changed a lot for me... haiz... but i din change anyting for her...well maybe from bad to worse ba my attitude to her especially... well... today went ate ljs at imm.... den went giant buy breakfast for me... bought blueberry donuts n sausage rolls...heez....den after tt went jurong interchange to enquire for her lost ez link...aiyo tt blur ger ahz...duno where den she will be more careful...i dun dare to think wat will happen one day in future when i nt wif her le how can she take care of herself lehz... i muz nvr die b4 her..if nt she wun noe wat to do.....i will sure fang bu xia xing de .... always worry for her.... now we stil cant sleep n i duno y...tink nowadays she very fan ba.... maybe cos of the probs btw us n also her dear teacher who's sick... dear god, if u can hear me...pls bless her teacher...take him to paradise...a place where there's only joy n love n peace...thanks god....

death is a part n parcel of life... everyone has to go thru it one day...there's no avoiding of it... it's only a matter of when you will be gone... when you are through wif your life, god will lead you elsewhere, to a place whereby it's called paradise...a place without hurt or sorrow... if i were to die, i wouldnt want any1 around me to be crying...i want them to be smiling as they think of all the things i had done... juz as they had been smiling when i first came into this world...

there is one certain thing we can say
about an individual human life
is that it will eventually end.

death is certain
and the only thing we have control over
is the manner of our lives while we are here.

never hestitate to tell someone u love them
never restrain yourself to express your love
be unstinting in your devotion to those around you

where there is sadness, bring joy
where there is hurt, bring healing
where there is despair, bring hope

never rest, never tire,
always struggle for the best you can give for all
so that when you time comes,
you can proudly say, "my life made a difference"

now here is a poem i found extremely nice n i wan to post if for dardar to read hehe... i wan to tell u i love u hehe =x

My knees start to weaken
At the first sight of your face
My heart starts to melt
At the thought of your embrace
Your love flows through me
Like a river flows down its path
Your kiss lifts me up so high
I could probably fall to my death
I really wish that
When I looked into your eyes I could see
Exactly how it is that
You feel about me
I get nervous when you're around me
I feel I could cry when you're away
I dream about you
Every night and day
I want you to know
My last three words will always remain true
Regardless of what I may say or do
You'll always know that
I love you.

wat a day

2004-07-26T23:51:00.000+08:00

today was a lousy day both of us...went work was okok at 1st...den cos i wanted a perfect report to hand in for our progress report one...had misgiving btw me n my members... they damn love to gossip loh..say so much farking stuffs... wished she would reli used her damn bloody big head small brain to think b4 she gossip next time...n to think she was supposed to be my buddy....hmph... den after tt met dar at her sch area..den went lido...ate KFC...den went watched movie...watched ella enchanted..hehe ella is a pretty girl! hehe today i put my captain gave me the jacket over her...cos i noe she was sick n yet she dun wan to rest n kip insisting tt she's alright...i can feel her heat in the cinema..she's running a fever....i was so worried of her...den i kept adjusting the jacket over her..i dun wan her to get more ill... -prays dear will get well soon- den after the movie...we walked to somerset to take bus home...today is a bad bad day... cos there's some misunderstanding....grave misunderstanding... maybe it was my fault cos i darent let her noe... haiz... sorry dar... i juz duno how to tell u ba... i hope tis thing wun happen again k..we juz frenz....n he is gg ns next mth..den nth will happen le k... i reli love u lots... u muz never leave me k.... ~hugs n muacks~ now im waiting for dardar to reply my sms cos i told her im online le..but duno she got receive a nt..i m wondering wat is she doing now...she replying kinda slow... hope she isnt feeling very bad...my heart pain pain to noe she sick...tml morning i will go pack some med for her le... haiz...juz simply miss her so much... dardar u make take care n get well soon k....

- gOnE -

2004-07-25T22:56:00.000+08:00

mi updating the blog..
guess we were nia be able to sit down n talk le..
can oni wait till she finish all her competitions ba..whahaha
nw..we will nia be holding hands while we go out..
n in cinema i cannot hug her anymore..whahaha
but nia mind..this tings can't b forced also..
maybe she feel weird ba..but whu cares as long as she is happy..
wat to do most of her frens duno she is a crk8 ba.. n she dun lk ppl to look at her..haha
she is sleeping le..she said she will be cuming online to chat wif mi..
n i was happily waiting for her to cum..but she din cum coz she is tired le..
she insisted on cuming but i said no..coz she duno wat she toking to mi abt..
n also she is tired le..even her toned can sense tat she wan slp..
nia mind..aniwae managed to complete most of her tings for her ba..whahahaha
ther is sumting i duno..but din get a chance to ask her coz she slp le..
whahahaa..aniwae found out sumting yesterdae..
a sad ting for me but a good ting for her ba..
dun ask mi wat issit..i dun wan sae it..
whahahaha..bcoz i noe tat ting i slept at lk 4.30am last nite..whahaha
but nia mind 4.30am nia..not feeling very well..maybe i going to be sick le ba..
well glad tat she din tried to msg mi ba..
at least she make the effort..but i dun understand y she nid to try so hard..
issit bcoz of the need to take out the hp from her bag..or she tinks that msging mi is difficult..
next tym i wun comment on aniting le..
if not she will sae i wan quarrel wif her agn..
i tink it is my fault..coz i din try to understand her more
n i m not self pitying myself..
or lk wat she sae i m not independent ba..haha
maybe i nid her more than she nid mi ba..
but i will try to be independent soon..
tink i love her more than she loves mi ba..
aniwae to my dear friends whu are attached, treasure the times u haf wif ur love ones..haha
i duno wat i write can le..ther is too much ting on my mind..
duno wher to start from..
but nia mind..let it be..
dear: u take care of urself..wished tat u will always be happy regardless of wat u do..
love and miss ya..
-hugs n muacks-
end here le..
-eunice gone for nw-

::saturday::

2004-07-25T00:34:00.000+08:00

today went tp for ne forum...but who noes when we got there, the hall was already filled up...thus hui n i decided to go eat while lia n her bf droved to bugis to shop...ate mee rebus n potato n chicken wing at short circuit...after tt we went to surf net in the free access lab while waiting for 11.15pm to come for us to scan our card for attendance... after tt i went to meet her at her hse, but who noes it was already 12.30 n her mama is stil at home...n luckily i din juz went n knocked on her door, if nt sure cham...haiz...den i sat around geylang area til 1+ den go her hse... met tis perverted uncle who kept smiling at me n asked me "gg work ahz? how much huh?" fark him lahz... think i selling or wat loh... den he kept following behind me... den i bo bian sat at the drain there the stairs for bout til 12.45 den ppl kept looking at me n asking me qns til i bth den i went sat at the bus stop loh... den finally 1+ she msged to say her mama left le... den i went to her hse... den went bought noodles...den eating halfway, her aunt called n said they will be coming down to see the hamsters...duh...den i had to stuff my food into my mouth cos i wasnt supposed to even be at her hse... wat a day...everytime go her house muz tou tou mo mo...damn sick man...den we chiong out of the hse to go sentosa to collect her card....planned to go insect kingdom, cinemania n merlion de..but who noes..she forgot to wear her contacts...den bo bian...cant go cos sure she cant see much de..den decided to watch movie instead, went marina sq to watch king aurther at 6.50pm...den after tt went esplanade toilet den went home... wat a day loh haha... everyting is juz nt according to wat was being planned.... n yesterday was a horrible day for us ... cos i went training den i din msg her after the msg i msged her telling her i bathe hao le n was waiting for bitch to go dinner together wif the grp...den after tt she asked me y i waiting for tt bitch, i din replied cos she came out a short moment after i sent the msg....den at ljs tt time, she msg me..den i replied her msg in juz a sentence telling her i would call her shortly cos we bz wrapping up le mah...den who noes my captain taking mrt also..den when he got off at simei, i immediately called her..but her tone was damn shitty n monotone loh...haiz..my fault again... wished i din go training last nite, den nth would haf happened loh...everyting simply sux...everytime there's training, we will sure quarrel, tink the training 8 characters n her 8 characters total clash man... sumtimes i reli wished tt she would be more understanding as to wat i m doing loh... it's nt tt i dun wan to do someting, it's tt under some circumstances i reli haf to pay attention loh. i was at a total lost yesterday as to wat she reli wans loh... i do wat also seems to be kenna condemn... she haf to emphasised on my lifesaving grp as my str8 frenz even...i felt so hurt upon seeing tt msg... y muz she characterize ppl into diff grps? crk frenz also frenz...str8 frenz also my frenz...there's no discrimation or wat btw all my frenz loh... i noe i sound very harsh here but i haf no choice, i duno how to get it across to u... this bz moment of my life is cos of competition on aug 1 n aug 29... we need to train hard for it...i dun wan to come in last position for any events loh...

"We all want to fall in love. Why? Because that experience makes us feel completely alive. Where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. It may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. But that doesn't diminish its value. Because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

"Relationships--of all kinds--are like sand held in your hand. Held loosely, with an open hand, the sand remains where it is. The minute you close your hand and squeeze tightly to hold on, the sand trickles through your fingers. You may hold onto some of it, but most will be spilled. A relationship is like that. Held loosely, with respect and freedom for the other person, it is likely to remain intact. But hold too tightly, too possessively, and the relationship slips away and is lost."-Kaleel Jamison

whee whee swim swim

2004-07-21T23:24:00.000+08:00

splish splash! im finally here to blog again after such a long period of MIA...cos i was bz wif my nus work n so on lahz...competition also..argh...came in 4th tt day for 1 event, 5th for another n last for 2 events...shit lahz...all tt bitch's fault..swim so slow... well enuff bout tt...next sunday got another competition le..at changi beach hehe...im in the canoe race n beach flag race hehe... well today went work..den met dardar at bus stop at dawson place...i got down at wrong stop i think...den she walked a bus stop to find me...=X den we took 33 to delta swim complex..den we swim swim there today hehe..dar improved le..she swam 10laps n i swam 20 today..cos i wasnt feeling well thus i cant swim much..down wif sorethroat, cough n flu le..sianz...despite these i stil swam hehe..den after bathing..we went nearby the hawker centre...ate stingray, chicken wings, rice, fishball noodles, chwee kueh n drank soya bean cups n 1 can lemon & calamansi..hehe..those uncles there kip asking for my drink can! argh..so irriating! haha... den after tt we went off le...on the way to bus stop...dar saw her rp frenz..den they asked her...PA TUO ah! wahaha... so cute lahz these kiddies hhaa...den we ran across the streets after 132 cos it was coming le...den we went our own ways at orchard area...kinda sad to go home today...miss her sooo much hehe.today so fun...eat n play!! yumyum food....
den today i opened my email, saw dar's ecard tt was sent to me long ago..hehe it's so cute! read le i so touched den i sent her a card back hehe...duno she will reply my card a nt hehe... den now dar n me toking in msn..hehe..ltr after finish blogging...im gg to call her hp..hope her mama wun scold her...hope her mama will tok to her soon...haiz...her mama angry wif her cos of me again... when den will her mama ever accept me? only heaven knows...
dar, i love n miss you lotsa! dun ever leave me k! i will try spend any available time wif u k!
=hugz n muacks for my xiao zhuzhu=

everyone is zz except for mi..

2004-07-17T00:30:00.000+08:00

i dun feel lk typing nw..so oni managed to enter two entry for her..
still got one more must count de..shall do it tml..
my brain is juz plain empty..nth is inside..
guess she wun noe i updated the blog ba..
she forever so bz wan..tink will be oni mi updating le..
doubt she will be free for tis litte blog ba...
whahahaha..duno when den she wun b so bz..
dun wat she doing this few daes..
always sleep so early at nite yet she still can be tired..
aniwae she slping le...
sun is her competition le..wish her all the best..
the next few months she wun b free also ba..
she got so mani more competition cuming up lohz...
whu asked her to be the oni gal..
by gg to the compeetition can make her wish cum true ba..
wat's wrong wif mi?? duno wat we will be doing tml..
never even planned aniting at all..
den i ask her go slp..
coz she dun even understand what she saying to mi..
guess when i asked her tml wat i sae to her last nite..she wun rmm..
whhahaahhaahaha..
she forever so blur wan..
haiz..shall end here le..
tired le..
take care ba my baobei dear..
miss n love ya lotsa..
-hugs n muacks-
ppl out ther take gd care of urself...

enjoyed myself..but also kind of disappointed...

2004-07-13T11:31:00.000+08:00

yesterdae supposed to go take pay at bugis..but din make it on time..so ended up we went Tiong Bahru Plaze to watch movie..haha watch mean girls...a veri funny show..haha..it is worth watching..can luff till u go crazy...hahhahahahaha...went eat lotsa of food coz Tiong Bahru ther got lotsa of small small stores selling food...hahaha..one more is the ice kachang stall..noe wat they actually allow u to choose ur own ingredients and then is lk oni $1.80 lohz..they dun even care how much ingredient u put..at first we decided to eat after the movie..but both of us is lk so full lohz..den end up din eat..hahahaha..ate pop corn and nachos in the cinema..the whole cinema got less than 30 ppl i tink..hahahaha..so empty wan lohz...nearly froze to death in the cinema..
hahahaha..was so damn full yesterdae...hahaha...
everiting go on very smoothly..hehehe..den after that went to the bus stop to see which bus we can take to change bus..hahaha..den we realised actually almost every bus can take lohz..hehehe..
whahahaha..guess wat i actually fail one of my test..actually not reli fail..haha..is conditional pass..haiz..nia mind..shall try to motivate myself to work harder..hopefully i will ba..hehehe...
was veri happy yesterdae coz was the 12 of JUNE...but wat was disappointing was she actually forgot abt the date or rather she forgot abt wat that date actually mean..sumtimes duno wat she is tinking of that make her forget abt it..she juz told mi tat she forget coz she was stress over lotsa of ting..nw i noe y she forgot abt it..duno why she cannot tell mi wat she is stress over..so difficult to let mi noe mahz..maybe ba..since she so bz..so forget also cannot blame..
tat all for nw..
my baobei baby..take gd care of urself..
love n miss ya..
-hugs n muacks-
ppl out ther take gd care of urself..

love u lotsa..-truth-

2004-07-07T08:57:00.000+08:00

juz reach sch..and my beloved is on the way to her work place..
things are starting all over agn..tis tym round we will cherish each other..
make sure we spend everi single sec when we r together meaningfully..my beloved dear..since when u r a monster..no one can blame you..whoeva blame her, i will kick ur butt..todae is a new dae for both of us..nth will go wrong todae..hehe..my baobei..of coz i still love u..thanx for ur song..so coincidence..when that song was played, i was reading the blog..tis will be the dae we start to understand each other again..tis tym round nothing will go wrong..NO!! i should haf sae nothing will go wrong..rite my dear??
although she is veri bz nwadaes..but at least we still get to mit..hehe..it is ok even when it is juz 3 times..muz work hard for ur competition..muz bring mi go see u compete with the other sch ppl..hehehe..i wan go c kae..hehe..u got miss our xiao dan dan anot?? hehe..got miss mi?? u cannot miss xiao dan dan more..muz miss mi more..if not i will cry de..hehehe..
todae we will be going out..tink to watch movie...hehehehe..-run over n hug dear tite tite when she is spotted-..dear i wun fall..if i fall u muz catch mi kae..hehehe..my dearest baobei..I RELI RELI RELI LOVE YOU LOTSA..I DUN WAN LOSE YOU..MISS YA LOTSA..
-hugs and million n million of muacks for u- dear RULEZ...hehhehehe

a song...for you,...

2004-07-06T17:32:00.000+08:00

reli wan to dedicate this song to u...guess u damn sad n fuming now ba...i scared i duno wat to say to u ltr....wish nth bad will happen ba.... take care n haf a nice day ba....

So many people all around the world
Tell me where do I find someone like you girl

reli miss n love u lots...haizzzzzzzzzz

Hiding from the rain and snow
Trying to forget but I won't let go
Looking at a crowded street
Listening to my own heart beat

So many people all around the world
Tell me where do I find someone like you girl

(Chorus)
Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand before I'm old
Show me what love is - haven't got a clue
Show me that wonders can be true

They say nothing lasts forever
We're only here today
Love is now or never
Bring me far away

Take me to your heart take me to your soul
Give me your hand and hold me
Show me what love is - be my guiding star
It's easy take me to your heart

Standing on a mountain high
Looking at the moon through a clear blue sky
I should go and see some friends
But they don't really comprehend

Don't need too much talking without saying anything
All I need is someone who makes me wanna sing
(Chorus)

...

2004-07-06T15:41:00.000+08:00

now im at my work place in I2R in sci park...
everything juz sux... do we reli haf to be at loggerheads wif each other everyday? i reli reli hope tt we can be wat we used to be... i wan to lead a life w/o sadness...w/o hurt...w/o sorrows...if only time could turn back...n if it could...i wun mind staying in the time wrap always....for that's when we r always happy...always loving... these few days haf been very unstable... juz when we tot things were getting to be better....they starts to turn sour again... yesterday was meant to be a happy day... yet maybe my neglience led to hurting her again ba...maybe im nt as understanding anymore...maybe im not as caring anymore...maybe im not the sensitive me anymore....maybe im totally not the me who i used to be anymore....i have changed....i have changed into a monster...who treated her badly....blame me ba...i admit it's all my fault.... n i dun even haf time for her...she used to see me at least 6 times a wk... but now...it's like the most 3 times a wk... sumtimes i wish life wun be so hard on her.... wish that she would haf a better life... wish that hurt doesnt exist....
maybe i reli dun haf time for anything anymore ba...my life juz revolve round work...training which i dun even haf time to attend to... home ... n tt's it... i reli reli duno anything anymore...life is simply horrid...while typing tis ... i had to go off a few times juz cos i cant control myself...maybe everything is reli changing... my life is changing...her life is changing... there had been many chances yet we din cherish... i reli duno... i noe i stil loves her..but does she? wat can we do to salvage tis....god ... pls help us...show us the way.... i reli hope all these bad times were juz a nitemare which i will wake up from.... reli love u lots....hugz n muacks....

juz finish science..n suxy teacher has left...hahaha

2004-07-02T16:27:00.000+08:00

had a not veri gd dae in sch..
coz todae is science..and the teacher sux..hahaha
dun even understand wat the hell she toking abt..
juz submitted my quiz not long ago..haha tink i will fail it flat..haha..everyone also duno how to do..haha..so not oni mi..
juz get to noe that she will b joining her sch competition..so she will be veri bz from next mon onwards..mon she will haf training, tue she will haf tuition, wed she will haf training, thurs she will haf tuition, fri she will haf training, haha sat will be th time we will b gg out (hopefully no changes) and sunday tink is reserved for her family. What a bz life she haf..her training will oni end on the 18th of july..hopefully she will enjoy it..also can haf her wish fulfilled..haha..gd for her..
but also veri ke lian..coz she dun even haf a day to rest..maybe sat shld b ur rest dae ba..den she wun tired herself le..n she will haf enuff slp..
during tis period of tym can stay at home n c if ther is aniting i can do..if nothing..den i shall slp lk a pig..hehehehehe...sum more can help us save $..
helping her to do her work nw..hopefully can hlp her find sumting..
tml mayb we r gg to the zoo..hopefully no changes lohz..
kae lahz..shall end here le..go hlp her find stuff..
miss n love her lotsa..
hugs n muacks for her..

kuku kuku

2004-07-02T00:11:00.000+08:00

wat a day...spent 8 hrs researching n found only one set of sequence that's useful...argh...tis is horrible! i have to find 100 sequences by the end of 15 days! haiz..wat a job! researcher being to sound nt so exciting to me...duh... everyday face the com n search n research... so fan..den all those codes come out all so chim de... @#$%*&(W#*#@$* hmph luckily my dearest xiao zhuzhu always by my side...she took out her time to help me search too! thanks a lot my dear! love u lots...i will cherish you de..hehe... den today i din go for lunch..i stayed in to continue working...i working like a maniac for no pay man...free labour...wah kaoz eh... kept looking at com...ltr my eyes become blind ahz...hmph...the only console is tt dar is only in msn..thus she can pei me tok whole day til she goes home from sch...but on her way home..i can sms wif her also haha... yay...tml the female incharge vidhu on leave haha..means 1 person less to care bout us..haha.think the professor will be bz attending to us tml le...he's a nice guy wif a strong strong coffee smell on him... hehe... he looks like a bearbear! tml i shall try to take his photo to let you all see haha... =x today finally got my own fingerprint to enter the entrances le...n also my I2R card le haha..so happy...though they spelt my chinese name wrong...duh! hmm...dardar...sorry past few days so bad mood n rude to u... now den i noe u r the best to me..hehe..muz cherish u if nt later u run away...hehe... haoz xiang ni ye hao ai ni... ~hugz n muacks~

watever

2004-06-30T00:18:00.000+08:00

today went tp early in the morning..reached so early..duh...slept only like 4 hrs nia..so tired the whole day...yet pulled myself thru sch..den went eat breakfast of lo mai gai n 2 siew mai n 100plus orange...after tt went NUS to meet the professor of the Department. Bio Sci. den went to I2R to get started off...failed to mek the fingerprinting record today cos the system not ready for us yet...den also the temp pass nt ready also...so we juz practically hanged around I2R the whole day...den ate NUS biz sch canteen to eat...ate fish fillet wif spagetthi...was so cheap n nice loh...den went back to explore my office...the incharge asked us to bring our own mugs/cups to drink the tea/coffee/milo provided... hui n lia bringing their qing nu mug tml haha... i dun drink hot drinks de...so most prob wun bother to bring any mugs... den after tt went stationaries room.... lia say it's so gd loh...can take watever we wan from there cos no nid pay mah...cheapo man...duh.... den after tt i split paths wif them le...i went to take 188 home while they went took 151 from the other part of the campus... den i rushed home n bathed n rushed out to meet zhuzhu in 25mins time...luckily i reached earlier than her stil...phew...if nt she gg nag at me le... den we went buy my nike shoes...hehe... den went eat old chang kee...den drank big gulp...den walk around hereen b4 i rush off the tuition... today i kept falling asleep on the buses....today i took 10 bus trips n 1 cab trip btw tp, orchard, woodlands n my house wahhaa...can die loh haha...tml sum1 will be rich liao cos got her pay liao haha... muz got rob all her $$ from her!! hahaha...jk jk....so tired...nid to go back zz le...actually juz now already zz le..hehe den sum1 called my hp den so fierce to me summore when i called her back n told her i was sleeping...sleep also got wrong lah when i so tired whole day yet i stil went meet her in town...aiya who cares..no1 ever died due to lack of sleep b4 anyway wahaha....-hugs-

wat a day

2004-06-28T23:51:00.000+08:00

haiz haiz haiz...so long nia update le...i so damn piled up wif heavy stacks of work man! tuition, training, tp, nus , biopolis...wan die le lah...so much work to do...wat an attachment man! today was a hectic day again..went aunt hse overnite the day b4...woke up at 8am...den bathe n had breakfast den aunt drove me to sch in 4mins! hehe...luckily wasnt late...den in sch went for a talk til 10+am..den went break for 10 mins wif my teacher...drank cranberry juice..den went BICU to enable my ATM card to enter the BICU bio room...den went lunch, had beehoon wif sausage, luncheon meat n squid patty. den went library researched...i read thru at least 10 books today...headache man!! most of the book tok bout the same thing...so lo so! haha shall not go into details since it's confidential..duh... den after tt went break again...i ate 5 "water leg" den went to the BICU to research on com...who noes tt chamabelle was using our com hehe..so nvm...we sit one side n read thru our books...den they wan fall asleep le..so they wan go break again..they ate fruits den i din eat...i juz brought my book there to read hehe...think im a bookworm le...den went back BICU for a while..den time to punch out le...den after punch out i went sit down n try read my book..but cant read..so i called her...den ended up quareling on the stupid phone for more than 30mins! haiz..waste hp bill...now die le lahz..dad gg be sad when he sees the bill tis mth...grrr... den tok til 6+ den i went training...it sux...warm up also half half de...den after tt whole nite did rope throw til i kena rope burns on my hands...so pain man! n only 4 ppl went training today..wat a joke! n now the whole team like left only 2 gers loh! wonder how they wan compete the following wk at NUS man! haiz..watever...sick of it le...2 gers cant even form a team... haiz..everything changed so much within such a short timespan... life is indeed unpredictable... tt bitch got a shitty rank den so haolian..aiya watever lahz...she pop n pretty mah! duh... today was the 1st training session for the new comers! hehe...got like 14 guys n only 2 gers! one of the gers is a malay n she din even swim! juz stand on the pool deck in her clothes! wat a joke! den the other is a sporty looking ger wif short stylo hair! hehe...she kept smile at me today whahaa....wonder is she ahem ahem de a not whahaa....aiya...who cares she is a not lahz...she swim gd can liaoz haha... den i skipped off training at 8.25pm cos she waiting outside sch for me le...den we went parkway mac..though i nt even hungry i went ordered food....den after tt send her home cos on the way den i reach home 11+pm wahaha aiya muz go bed liaoz..tml 5.30am muz wakey to go sch...haiz..den after tt got to rush from tamps to woodlands for tuition..den can go home..haiz...tis is my life... sch..tuition...home...sch training home....sch training tuition her home wahaha....wat a wonderous life! i love it man! wahaha..think im mad le...wahhaa...chlorine head logging off here liaoz....hugs n muacks for her....tc k...dun kip sobz lahz...ltr ur eyes reli cant see leh...den u beta go mek ur contacts soon k... wun dun wan u de lahz...dun always say i quiet can? silence btw 2 ppl is ok if they 2 can noe wat's on the other person's mind...it's call peaceful silence...lovely silence...argh..duno wat i m toking bout liaoz....tc pplz out there....

sch start le...

2004-06-28T08:48:00.000+08:00

erm..todae sch start le..
guess it has been a long long tym since both of us came n update our pretty little blogs..well wat can i sae...erm..tings aren't reli gg veri well for both of us..
yesterdae was the first tym she ever raised her voice at mi n scold mi..
how i wished tym could stop at the tym when we were veri close to each other..but i noe tym can't b turn back..haiz i reli duno y my dear is so quiet nwsadaes..i duno issit she got nth to tok to mi abt or issit sumting is veri wrong wif mi..tat's y she dun haf much to tok to mi..my dear can u pls tell mi why r u hafing lessen tings to tok to mi abt..lotsa n lotsa of tings happen between tis period of tym..erm..there r both happi tings n unhappy tings..reli hoped tings will inprove between us..my dear can it be done??
yesterdae met her at 3pm at my hse de bus stop.. den we went to PS to buy movie tixs for the show godsend..the show start at 7.20pm..den we haf to tink of tings to do for 3hours..we spend an hour in the arcade..den after tat we went to eat LJS..den after tat we went carrefour walk walk..after tat went to bought nachos in to eat..hehe..tat show was not a bad show..after the show we went to 7eleven n buy sweets..hehe..den went somerset mrt to top up my ez-link card..everiting was gg veri smoothly till here..den as we went to the bus stop n wait for bus num 7..tings turns bad..coz of wat i sae..haiz..i m sorry dear..both of us r at fault..hope tings will becum beta soon..please dun continue to treat mi so coldly n dun b so impatient wif mi..
hoped u will nia throw mi away or leave mi alone..wan b wif u foreva..hopefully u tink the same way too..
dear..i miss u lotsa..also love ya lotsa..take care of urself in sch..n enjoyed urself in sch kae..wan hug u tite tite..millions n millions of muacks for u..

hmPh..dAr dAr bUwEe mI..

2004-06-22T00:31:00.000+08:00

todae i woke up at 10plus...had a terrible nightmare..hate nightmares..dun wan slp tonite..in case i haf the same nitemare agn..den i cried till so loud summore..so paiseh..haiz..haiz..haiz..den lie in the bed till 12plus..den went downstairs n sit down n wait for tat princess of mine to wake up from her dreamland..den she so big shot lorx slp until nearly 1pm den wake up..after she wake up she called mi n we tok for abt 30mins..decided to meet..den she sae she go eat her breakfast le den call mi..in the end 3plus den she called mi back..she supposed to go bath at 3.30pm n leave the house at 4pm to mit mi in chinatown..but she sae she is tired and wan rest for awhile..rest till nearly 5pm den she sae she wan slp..so i asked her not to mit mi le..n we ended up not miting at all..haiz..haiz..so we din c each other todae..i went chinatown to work for my aunt..den my princess tried to contact mi for 7 times n can't get mi bcoz there got no reception..hehe so happi that she will be worried for mi..coz she tis few daes veri cold to mi..den we talked till 7pm den she went hlp her mama cook..say 8pm wan call mi back..as usual i waited n waited for so long she still nia call mi back..we ended up sms-ing instead of toking on the fone..i burnt myself todae..so damn pain..even till nw still pain..i miss my princess alot..i will b seeing her on wed..n we will b gg to the zoo..hehe..looking forward to it lehz..
dear i love you lotsa..hope u wun eva leave mi..wun eva bu yao mi..
hao xiang hao xiang ni..
hug u tite tite..millions n millions muacks for u n oni u..

wat a day

2004-06-21T23:50:00.000+08:00

today stayed home the whole day..wanted to go pei her de..but den was too tired to go find her..duno y my body like damn lousy nowadays..kip easily tired or bu shu fu de...sobz den nowadays i lk so short tempered lk tt... you shi mei shi throw temper n cold cold to dar...den mek her hu shi ruan xiang....haix i din realise i m so bad leh... dui bu qi dardar ni bu yao ze guai wo k... u can piak me scold me but cannot dunwan me ever k... today so bored at home nth to do...watched tape n tv shows whole day...den play online games... den tok to frens online in msn n icq... den today went downstairs wait for uncle to transport the 8 bazhangs to us... waited 30mins standing like a kuku for him wif all the ah peks looking curiously at me hmph so paiseh....den after that i came up stairs n rest on bed den zzz til 6.30pm den i called dardar but her hp no reception... i was so worried den kip call n call...den left 2 voicemails by accident to her.... den i sms her... den after tt tok on phone til 7pm den i went help mama in the kitchen watch tv....den ate dinner or egg wif preserved radish, veggie, fish...den ate 2 oranges 1 apple, some keropok ikan n a milo bar....so hungry now stil...sob....miss my dardar lots miss her lots...u mux never forsake me k... ~hugs n muacks~

boo!

2004-06-21T01:36:00.000+08:00

today i woke up damn late...dar came over to my hse wif books for my bro..den after tt we ate chicken wings n prawn noodles... den played in my room for a while den 7pm we went took cab to the stupid jurong east swimming complex... there so many ppl..n everything nids $ there... compulsory to rent float? duh...wat logic... den nt fun at all loh..so many ppl...den got cockroaches in the stupid wave pool... den like got a hand grabbed me underwater like tt..so scary...den the water sprouts so cold de...kaoz..wan freeze me to death ahz! summore there got 1 biantai de indian man kept tailing us to look at dardar cos her swimsuit lowcut! kns! no wonder he kept appearing in front of her for no reason! felt like killing him man! thus left the complex in a fit of fury! kns! den wan go bath..toilet soooo crowded..den took 180 come back to my hse den we go bathe....den after tt...we ate popiah n onion rings...den mama came home le den make pizza for us to eat hehe..den after tt dar went home le cos very late le...hehe....nice nice day....though some parts not nice...hope dar had a nice day ba..hugz n muacks..mizz ya lots! wish u haf more to say to me though i m more quiet nowadays...hehe gg take my med le... nite nite

a happi dae for both of us..i hope..

2004-06-20T01:32:00.000+08:00

todae was supposed to mit her at 2pm..but she hlp her mama do tings den change the tym to ard 2.30pm.. she reached before mi..den after tat we went to the hakwer centre to eat..she actually wanted to eat niang tou fu..but it was closed so end up we eat duck noodle together..after we eat finish we make our way to place wher we can sit cable car..which is the harbourfront station..den we queued for awhile den after tat brought the $14 package which includes underwater world n dolphin lagoon..went to watch the dolphin show at ard 5.30pm..was so pissed off wif those indian..kip blocking our view..took lotsa of foto of the dolphin..den after tat we walked to palawan beach ther to take the beach train..den we went to the underwater world..decide to go in oni at 7pm coz they will b gifing torch lights for us to view the fishes..we reached ther at ard 6.15pm den we went to take lots of fotos..wif the sting rays n her dream house..lk a few of the fotos veri much..den we went in to underwater world..got the torch light but it is so small..haha..the light also not bright wan..managed to saw lots of animals..took lotsa of foto inside too..the one tat left the deepest impression is the dugong..tink it is juz so cute..looks really lk a dolphin..we left underwater world at around 8.20pm..den took the monorail to the cable car station..to take cable car back to s'pore..haf to queue coz almost all of the ppl gg back to s'pore..coz it was the last trip..den got a group of indian queuing behind us..kip using their hands to touch us..so eeeee...den tot dun haf to take the same cable car wif them..but in the end also haf to take wif them..after we reached the harbour front station we went to eat mcdonald..yummy..long long tym since the two of us last eat mcspicy double..den after tat went home le..overall todae was a fun dae..hope she enjoyed urself..
haiz..guessed i spoilt the nite by getting jealous over sum1..i m sorry if it spoilt ur dae..all bcoz of my toopid brain..always lk tat..
dear u muz take good care of urself..
miss and love ya lotsa..
-hugs n muacks juz for u-

blog blog blog

2004-06-19T02:02:00.000+08:00

today went tp for SIP+MP talk...started at 2pm n lasted til 3++pm...den went wif hui to bedok interchange to duplicate her keys..den took mrt together cos she gg orchard to meet her bf den i gg chinatown...den reach there at bout 5pm ba i think...den sat there looking at dar n her bro suaning each other...so loving... haiz... wish bro was nicer to met at times... though they always say each other bad things...i can still see the affection btw them... den pei dar til 9++pm...sold sooo many bowls of glutinous rice balls i think... most of the ppl like peanuts de...i told dar but she like dun believe? wahha...den i think the peanuts was sold out ba? she kept cook n cook like one mad woman like tt....den tehre got tis idert boy kept poking me n ASKING me to buy his stupid tissue packets from him! so rude man! poke me so hard summore n yet hoped tt i would buy from him? FAT HOPE! if he were to asked me nicely..maybe i would..but since i m totally broke...y dun i be the one selling tissues instead? duh! idert boy! den dar the aunt n uncle drove me home... den unbandaged my ankle finally... still a bit pain but think should be alright le ba by tmr hopefully...den my hip sux loh...duno y so pain loh...haiz...i tot it was cured liaoz..den now pain again...haiz...pain is killing me sooner or later man...i hate pain! nvm...i will live wif it n learn to love it since i already lived wif it for the past 1yr +++ gg 2 yrs.... well...today was an okok day for us ba i think... tc...hugz..miss n love u lotsa... hugz n muacks mummy

.........

2004-06-19T00:56:00.000+08:00

todae woke up at 9am..den went to my aunt store to hlp her start her business for the dae..was bored n tired there..coz at first ther got no people..den at ard 5pm..dear reached chinatown..i ate bee hoon n she ate her nasi emak as usual..coz she juz love the chicken wing and their long beans..she pei mi all the way until 9 plus 10..den after tat my uncle fetched her home..she promised mi she will msg mi when she reach home..but she never..n make mi worried for her..wonder wat she is up to..mayb i m juz over-reacting ba..until i step into my hse den i received her msg telling mi she bath hao le..n asked mi wat i m doing..
duno is ther aniting wrong wif mi anot..duno y i kip tinking she lk treat mi veri coldly nwadaes..she will get veri impatient wif mi..den she will start using all the lahz on mi..issit reli the truth or issit mi being over-sensitive?? dar dar angry juz nw..but i m not angry wif her or sad..i wun mind her venting her anger on mi once awhile..coz i do tat sumtimes too..erm..duno y she will tends to use another tone of voice to tok to mi..but she sae neva..i duno how to explained to her how different her tone is..
she is starting to feel left out le..by her schmates..shall ask her to join their friends for shopping the next tym they r gg..i dun mind her scarificing the time she mit mi to go out wif her friends n go shopping..i dun wan her to remain in her shell..i m willing to do aniting or even forgoing aniting juz to make her leave tat shell..dun wan her to b kept in tat shell foreva..can anyone tell mi wat i can do to make her leave her shell??
dear i wan tell u whateva her decision is i will support u..wateva decision u made i will still stay by ur side..never will i leave u until the veri dae u sae u dun wan mi liao..
i love you lots my dear..n it hurts alot seeing u kiping urself in tat shell..i wan u to b always happy..dun wan u to leave tat u will b left out by anyone..coz i understand tat feeling sux..
i love you always n miss you lotsa..wan to b wif u foreva..
wan hug hug u tite tite..
million n million or -muacks- for u n oni u..

haiz

2004-06-18T01:14:00.000+08:00

tink i made dar angry again....
i really duno wats wrong wif me nowadays... i m juz like a turtle hiding in its shell... afraid of everything... n i duno wat's i really afraid of...haiz..tis is the biggest prob and i m scared to go to sch tml...n i duno y....i guess i m juz afraid to face my sch mates n ppl... ppl whom i m unfamiliar with... n i simply dunno y...i juz haf the feeling tt tml gg to be a lousy day...lots of lousy things would happen...haiz... wat the hell is the problem wif me ... how i wish to find out myself... n also..im stuck in a label crisis yet again... everything when i haf made up my mind bout sumting... some1 will have to come n criticize me n made me unstable bout my choice... tis time i had wanted to turn n sum1 had to come n say tt i look better as b/a... n i dunno y...maybe its cos i duno how to dress up as ger ba... or maybe m i total failure as a girl? i duno makeup, how to dress up, how to behave ger, how to eat like a girl, walk like a ger, scream like a girl, gentle like a girl? or maybe i dun even look like a girl? my boyish face dun suits me? or wat? i feel like an utter failure... n i tried asking my dar wat she feels of me turning ger n she juz say as long as im happy she will be too...how i wish she can elaborate... i m turning for a simple reason....i wan a gd place out there in the working force...according to my research, seldom a/b gets good positions in companies...n i dun wan tis to get in my way of getting wat i wan to be...so i m trying very hard to change, to adapt... but forces seems to always be stopping me....giving me slight chances of being the "me" again....maybe dar is rite...i haf always lived behind a mask... i wan to get rid of this mask now once n for all..yet there seems to be problems stopping me.. im easily influenced by wat ppl say bout me... n im a wimp...i dare nt try new things such as clothes... it took me a damn bloodly long time to finally dare to wear the leather slippers i bought....those ger tops i bought long time ago... i find those ger stuffs beautiful..but i juz feel tt they looks sux on me...dun suit me.... do i juz belong to those pattern tt can always wear loose clothes, baggy jeans, n haf short spiky hair? is tis the real me? or m i juz dreaming? i feel so pulled at both sides of the label... to be ger or not to be... i wish tt dar will support me... n i reli wan to noe wat's she feeling in her very heart... yet i duno how to ask her wat she feels...everythign i wan to ask her...i would feel a undescrible tight feeling in my heart....thus i would end up crying... n whenever she ask me m i crying...or m i lying to her... icant ans....i juz duno wat to say...i haf lots to say...yet those words r always caught in my mouth...i cant say them out..n i duno y... dear, u r not the 1st one tt experience these bouts of emotions from me... all my exs felt them b4 too... i juz cant open up to any1 verbally face to face ba... im juz like a hermit crab...any small disturbance comes i will juz hide in my shell...guess i will forever be in this shell ba...im sorry for making u upset....i juz wish that u will love me n miss me n be wif me for regardless of who im, wat i m, n how i look....i reli loves u deeply.... dearest god, if you love me, pls im begging u...pls show me the way...pls let me be able to open up my heart n feelings to the ones i love...nt to keep everything to myself...i noe it hurts them lots to see me like that...yet there's nothing i could do... i juz wan them to know that deep within me...im actually lots lots lots too... i tried to be strong always...but i failed... will i always be a weakling? or will i be able to stand up straight n proud n able to voice out my problems to my dardar one day? dar...wo zhen de hen ai hen ai ni... dun ever forsake me k... u r my oxygen in the air, the blood in my vessels, the mechanism that helped sustain my life... w/o u... my life would be dull like the storm...

Star Ocean & Sky Ocean

the profound me

why am i always understanding too late?

SuperStar Virgo n ME!

Dance with dolphins

maybe my love will come back someday, only heaven knows...

te quiero

heaven knows

another day another hour another minute another second

life is never a bed of roses

my birthday

Sitting on a garden bench

Poems

1 yr 6 mths juz over

NAMES!!!

Last Day of ScHooL

Last Day of ScHooL

aiyo oh oh

wat's wrong mahx..

lalala

in tp nw..lalalala

do u consider what i sae before doing the things u wan..

sunday

jux a dae..

yummy

cramp cramp n more cramp

true love

~~happy happy day~~

TINKING N THINKING EVERYDAY...STUPID ME

Please forgive me...pls...haizzz

please forgive me

fucked up

bloody hell myself

life is entwined with lies

touched after reading what you have prepared for mi..

Happy Anniversary!!!

Cinderella and Prince Charming

Less Than 24 hrs to bdae!!!

a day at the sentosa..

feel lk blogging..

I am sorry

sad story of love

meaningful song

hOpe tings will improve..

Back Pain

Quotes of Life

wat the fuck

haiz

Starfish

story

...

nicE daY..

heez

"This I Promise You"

sobz

-adacOndas nIcE nIcE-

bleahzzzzzzzzzzz

tings will nia be how they were...

haiz

sO afraid to asked..but i finally asked and get an ans..

pasting dear blog for her..hehe

i m back in sch..whahaha..miss her so much..

haaahaa wat a day

home

cham cham cham

i miss u lotsa..

home home home

work work work

kukubird day

wat a day

- gOnE -

::saturday::

whee whee swim swim

everyone is zz except for mi..

enjoyed myself..but also kind of disappointed...

love u lotsa..-truth-

a song...for you,...

...

juz finish science..n suxy teacher has left...hahaha

kuku kuku

happy happy day